madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hunk of cookie dough March 23rd, 2004 Okay, yesterday was a disaster. I know better, I really do. As soon as I �swear off� a food or food group, I am suddenly inundated with cravings that end up spiraling out of control. After a totally nerve-wracking, teeth grinding day without sugar, I ended up trying to satisfy my sweet tooth with Cheetos (2 bags) and graham crackers with fruit spread, and baked potato chips and tons of other crap. By the end of the day, I was stuffed to the gills, depressed, and still fiend-ing for chocolate. This resulted in one of my infamous midnight binges, in which I ate a hunk of frozen cookie dough the size of my fist. THIS IS WHY THE ONLY DIET THAT HAS EVER WORKED FOR ME IS CALORIE COUNTING!! This is why I joined http://www.calorieking.com/ today. I�m going back to the only thing I know I can live with...that�s counting calories. I woke up today in tears. Not just because I had failed with my �NO SUGAR� promise, but more because I felt truly sad. Not just depressed sad (although that too), but sad in the way you feel sad when someone dies. I carry this deep sense of loss for that thinner, confident, �I-can-do-it-Heather� that I once was. I felt sad because I know it is going to be different this time, harder maybe, slower. I know that I am vulnerable. I know that I can slip up and fall off the wagon like everybody else. I know that if I don�t make these changes for life � I will just end up here again. I know that these 50 pounds I�ve gained aren�t going to disappear overnight. I�m going to have to live with myself while I get rid of them again. This is a fine line for me to walk. I have to love myself enough to overlook my belly hanging out from under my shirts, my gasping for breath on a staircase, my 2 pairs of stretch pants that now make up my entire wardrobe. I have to love myself enough to see beyond the 9 inches I�ve gained in my hips, my puffy face, the dark circles under my eyes, the loss of my self-confidence. I have to love myself enough to get up and exercise every day, to remember that it will pay off down the road. This is the hardest part for me. I know that after I�ve lost enough weight to get back into my clothes again, I�ll remember why it is worth the effort. But it�s hard now, in the beginning, when the payoff is so far down the road. I can�t even stand to look at myself, to be in my own skin, to be in public, to see friends, to be awake. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself and how far I�ve let this go. Yet somehow, I�m supposed to feel good enough, to love myself enough, to be positive enough to make my whole world turn around... *heavy sigh* 12:36 p.m. - March 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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