madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drying out Abstinence. That�s what makes this so hard for me. The inability to totally abstain from food. I think I�d almost be better that way. I think it would be easier to be an alcoholic or a smoker. They don�t have to smoke a little or drink a little every day, they just have to totally abstain, and that in itself is a gift. I don�t want to say this weekend was a turning point, God knows you�ve heard that before. But I did a lot of thinking. Reading that book �Dry� was difficult for me. I guess I saw so much of myself in there, it was impossible to deny that I have a real problem. I�ve always known I�ve had a problem, this is not a new revelation. But it�s easy to slip back into unconsciousness, back into the dark, dependable place where you don�t have to pay attention. It�s easy to live like that, and I am an expert. I�ve lived most of my life in that space. Anyway, I did a lot of thinking. I realized that there are certain things which are killing me the way drinks kill an alcoholic. The biggest monster in my life is sugar, whether I want to admit it or not. It is the white devil. It is as addicting as crack...no matter how much I eat I always want more. I have totally surrendered to sugar in the past year. I am at a point now where I crave something sweet after every meal � that�s at least 3 times a day! And when I�m feeling low energy, I grab some kind of candy as a pick-me-up. The worst is when I start off my day with a cinnamon roll or pancakes smothered in syrup or a scone and a chocolate mocha for breakfast. The whole day is then shot to hell. Saturday was one of these days. I started off with 3 pieces of French toast, lunch was nachos and a soda, and I had two hot brownies covered in ice cream and hot fudge for dinner. Ya, nice, I know. You�d never know it from my last post, but I actually have been exercising about 4 times a week on average. I have also been drinking plenty of water. Those were two goals I set for myself a month ago, and I�ve stuck with it. But I knew that setting food goals was going to be harder for me....so I�ve put it off. But my first goal is this: Get through a week without sweets. I define sweets as any type of fried or baked pastry good (i.e. brownie, scone, donut, cinnamon roll, pie, cake, cookie) any type of chocolate product (including candy bars or chocolate in any form), and any type of ice-cream product (including fat-free and low-sugar varieties). I am not putting restrictions on my other carbs, not yet anyway. So far, I�ve never sat down and eaten a whole quart of potatoes or a pound of pasta. But I wouldn�t kick Little Debbie out of my bed! It sounds small, I know. One little goal. But trust me, this is a big one. My mind today has already wandered to the vending machine, to the 7-Eleven, to the coffee shop. This is going to be really difficult for me, but I want to give it a try. It�s 11:00am, so far so good. I�ll be in touch this week for updates � good or bad. 10:57 a.m. - March 22, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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