madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can stop anytime I want... February 10th, 2004 Now that I�m coming out of the flu, the cravings are back full force. I spent a good part of yesterday fighting the urge to visit the candy machine in the lunchroom at my office. But I didn�t give in all day! I went home and had a very light dinner, and then ate a cup of lowfat ice cream with chocolate sauce and a few peanuts. When I weighed in last week I was between 290 and 292...thankfully, I was still under 300 pounds. I�ve stopped eating in the middle of the night � or at least I�ve been successful 8 out of 11 days so far. But sometimes, even the thought of throat cancer can�t keep me from waking up hungry and unable to fall back asleep until I eat something. Last night I woke up at 1:00am, bee-lined to the freezer, automatically reached for the ice cream and started gorging. It wasn�t until about 4 minutes into it that I actually had this thought: I thought, �The person who made this so fattening was the person who put all that chocolate and strawberry syrup on it.� Then I stopped (in my head) and thought � �Wait a minute...I PUT all that syrup on it!?� I know it might seem impossible to you that I had somehow disassociated myself from the act of pouring chocolate and strawberry syrup all over this ice cream. It seems impossible to me! But then, it totally makes sense. When I�m half-asleep, in that weird half-dream/half-wake state, I don�t feel guilt or shame for eating. I don�t feel responsibility for what I�m eating. I feel just fine. I usually feel totally happy to be eating x, y, or z. It�s never a problem until I wake up in the morning and realize what I did. THEN I feel guilty and angry and depressed about it. And even then sometimes I can just shrug it off, realizing that I can�t change the past. You can see how this would eventually pose a problem... What�s most frustrating, is that 11 days ago I stopped � cold turkey. After eating in the middle of the night for 99% of the past two years, I just stopped. This proves that I can do it. This proves that there is nothing wrong with me, mentally. I can virtually stop any time I want to. So still I wonder why its 3:00am and I�ve polished off half a tub of ice cream before I notice? Now, a true story sent via e-mail from a reader. I see myself in it, yet I don�t want to. Right now, we have a lady in our nursing home I'll call Mary. She is 60 years old and when she was admitted weighed 408. She came from a hospital with pancreatitis and cholecystitis. Her gallbladder couldn't be removed because of her weight and that's on hold for now. She also has kidney failure, diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. She was holding a lot of fluid and with diuretics we got about 50 lbs. off of her. The problem we are having now is with her skin, it's literally tearing apart in places. She's gaining weight again and her stretch marks are ripping apart and getting infected. She has an area on both thighs where the folds lay together and have come open and gotten infected. We've sent her to a wound care specialist for ideas and he's tried several different creams without much success. He also put her on an antifungal pill for two weeks. She has developed abscesses in several areas on her back which broke open and drained, but now the open areas won't heal, and her skin is literally detached from the underlying tissue. She had physical therapy ordered, but can't participate much because the wounds on her thighs are too painful if she tries to walk. We get her in and out of bed with a mechanical lift. This woman is bright, funny and has three great kids. She's been divorced for a long time, and if you can believe it , use to work as a licensed practical nurse! Here's the kicker: When she goes to see the wound care specialist she has to go by ambulance. Every time she goes she begs the EMT's to go through the drive through at McDonalds! She offers to buy for them if they'll stop. Her family brings her in Burger King every night, and she eats a full bag of buttered microwave popcorn every night. She has candy stashed in all her drawers. She is served a tray three times a day, and is supposed to be on a 1400 calorie diabetic diet. Heather, it makes me sick, this woman is killing herself with a fork and spoon. 2:29 p.m. - February 10, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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