madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- enough is enough! February 11th, 2004 Okay okay....everybody is asking me why in the heck I had ice cream and syrup in the house. (i.e. an alcoholic doesn’t keep vodka in the pantry) Trust, I don’t normally keep sweets in my house. If I bake something, I immediately take 99% of it into work or to my neighbors. If I buy something sweet, I make sure it’s something that I don’t love and won’t binge on – like fat free meringues from Trader joes. Or if I do buy a trigger food, I buy it in a one-serving size. So anyway, why was there ice cream and syrup in the house? Because my husband’s birthday party was on Saturday night and I did dinner and dessert for 15 people. The dessert was make-your-own-sundaes. My original intention was to send the ice cream home with everybody, but I simply forgot until it was too late. And let’s face it, if I was perfect, I would’ve ran hot water over it until it melted down the sink. But I’m not that strong...yet. I am, however, surprised by how fast time is going by. Its already been 12 days since I’ve binged (aside from the ice-cream thing). In two days, it will be two weeks that I’ve really kept my fat grams down and my calories under 2,000. I haven’t eaten til I was sick once in those 12 days. I haven’t stuffed myself. I have paid attention to the choices I was making. I’ve even felt somewhat hopeful that I might actually see the 260’s again someday! Me – hopeful – I know, it’s hard to imagine. But staying away from sugar after every meal has been a HUGE lifesaver for me...mentally and physically. I’m still craving it, but I noticed that today after lunch, it didn’t even cross my mind that I needed something sweet. This in itself is a f*cking revelation! So... the only promises I’ve made to myself are that: I will not get on the scale again for awhile. When I can fit back into my 260 clothes, then I’ll know I’m doing awesome! Until then, I’m going to try and pay attention to the little things. Secondly, I am not going to stress or obsess about this. If I have a bad day – fine. The key is to not let it turn into a two week binger. Thirdly, and I’ve said this from day one, I will maintain awareness. I will not allow myself to be dead to what I put in my body or how I treat my body. I’ve been very dulled and dead for a long time and that’s why I’m full up with disease and discomfort right now. 2:29 p.m. - February 11, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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