madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll start on Monday... January 30th, 2004 A reader sent me this e-mail today....made me think about a lot of stuff. I wanted to post it, because maybe I'm not the only one who needs to hear this today: Hi -- I don't know your name but I stumbled upon your website while I was searching for before and after photos that might inspire my own weight loss. You e-mail address looks as if you're in education. So am I. Anyway, I almost cried when I read your last entry (January 2004). I can relate so well to what you're going through. The fact that you're able to write about it, even when you've gained back some of the weight you lost, is very admirable. I wish you the best on your journey. I have the life-long addiction to food, too, and it scares me to think that I could end up fat the rest of my life. I'm single and I'm completely aware that it's because I'm fat. Last October, my doctor told me if I didn't lose weight immediately I would end up in a wheelchair by the time I'm 50--or worse, have a heart attack. And I'm only 37. The only way I can do this is with structure. I have to write everything down. I've lost 30, and have about 60 more to go. But I realize that this is not a diet, something that I can go on and go off of. I have to live like this forever. Yes, it sucks. I'm hungry a lot, and I don't really like to exercise. But I do it. Because I have to. And I have to do it forever ... that's just the way it is. Whether I like it or not. Saving my life is more important that eating at this point. You and I, people who have some sort of brain disorder that makes us addicted to food, deserve to be happy, and I guess I'm writing to you to because I always wish that when I gain weight back that I've lost, that someone would shake me and tell to snap out of it. Tell me that this isn't what I want, that I'm just in a fog and can't see my way through. Tell me that I can and will lose weight, that I have the ability to do it, that I can live a normal life without covering myself with pillows when I sit down or lifting off the seat in my car to buckle the belt, or shopping at the "big girl" stores, or huffing and puffing just walking up a slight incline. Without being told "but you have such a pretty face." I'm tired of it, and you should be, too. I'm writing to tell you to SNAP OUT OF IT. Please, stop eating the crap, cut out the fat and get back on the exercise regimen. PLEASE, for my sake and yours, and every other woman out there who struggles with weight issues. You don't want to end up in a wheelchair ... She's right. Righter than right. And I've wanted someone to make me "snap out of it". But I know, in my heart, that other people cannot make you do anything. You have to want to change. You have to be willing. You have to do the work it will take. You have to do the planning, the exercise, the eating right 95% of the time. I've had a few little wake-up calls lately. Well, I don't know if wake-up call is the right term...because they didn't stop me from eating pizza and mac n' cheese for lunch & dinner and twinkies for dessert. (no I'm not making this up) But I've been having a lot of problems lately with pain in my joints. They are snapping and cracking whenever I move, or when I get up out of bed. I ran (or fast-shuffled) my way to the bus last week and when I got there, I started seeing stars and black spots. I couldn't catch my breath. It really scared me. I was sweating and it was only 30 degrees outside. (not to mention I missed the damn bus anyway!!) My calves have been spasming every night. I'm down to wearing 3 or 4 outfits, the very few things that I kept when I lost all my weight....mostly sweatpants and my baggiest shirts and even a few things that are too tight, things I know I shouldn't be wearing anymore. I even tried on some 30/32 clothes at the fat lady store two weeks ago, and they were too tight. I found myself searching the entire store for the SIZE 30/32 instead of looking at the actual STYLES of what I might like. I know I'm over 300 pounds now, but am too afraid to get on the scale. All these things, you think would "wake me up". I do want to snap out of it....but I don't want to starve. I don't want to count calories. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to plan and calculate and "be good" when everyone else is being bad. Most of all, I don't want to obsess again. And I don't know how to lose weight without totally obsessing!! How do you do this?? Someone who comes to mind is Courtney...she is amazing. She just keeps going and going and she never obsesses. When she eats junk for a few days, she hops right back on without any guilt. She doesn't (seem) to beat herself up when she has weeks she doesn't lose. She doesn't (seem) to have this constant negative dialog going on inside her head like I do. She is positive. She is constantly setting goals and reaching them and then setting new goals for herself. This is called Longevity people!! She is in it for the long-haul and she is going to get there, and unlike those of us in the 97% of the population...she is NOT going to gain it back!! And now, even if I lose again, there is a truth I will carry with me. Before, when I was losing this weight, I always felt like I would never go back. I felt like Courtney. I felt like I had somehow changed. I thought I was different than everyone else. But I'm not. I'm just the same as everyone else out there. I'm in that stupid 97% of the people who gain it all back and what will be different this time. Will there ever be a time in my life I'm not just sick to death of healthy foods and exercising?? Realistically speaking?? One of my blows, was that my walking partner fell through. She just never e-mailed me back the week we were supposed to start. I weeded through 45 e-mails trying to find a person who was a) in my area b) motivated (seemingly) c) genuinely wanting to help d) willing to work around my schedule. I have all these other offers, but everybody wants me to meet them somewhere. I don't have a car. I have to work in the morning. I spend 40 minutes commuting to work as it is! Whine bitch moan. I guess I'm just discouraged that when I most need someone to help me, I cannot find help. I'm not talking about kind words or nice e-mails or internet friends either. I'm talking about someone who's devoted to come and walk with me for a month straight - every morning. That's all I need to build a habit, just one good month under my belt. That's all I need....oh, ya, and to fix my whole diet. It's awful. Just for confessionalism, I will tell you what I ate yesterday because yesterday was a particularly ghastly example. Breakfast: 1 cup of Macaroni and Cheese Lunch: 1/2 more cup Mac n' Cheese Snack: 2 double decker tacos from Taco Hell, Dinner: half a medium pizza and a beer, Dessert: 2 tablespoons of peanut butter in the middle of the night. Some days its worse. I do have some good days too - but it's always sort of "by accident" that I have a good day....it certainly isn't planned. Now this entry has gone on so long, and it sounds so depressing. That's just it: I'm actually not depressed for a change. I keep thinking, "I feel pretty good mentally. Now would be a good time for me to start making some changes." But then I start thinking about the changes I need to make and I suddenly feel tired. Like I need healthy food in the house....woops...I guess that box of corndogs in the freezer needs to go. And then exercise - my new living room is so small, there is no place to exercise. But I could walk outside... I need start slowly so I don't kill myself. I need to dig out my workout clothes. Oh, wait, I doubt my workout clothes will even fit me now.. hmmm.. . i guess I'll need to get up earlier and stay up later so I can make my lunches at night after work and school and and and and... this is how my mind works and before I know it, I'm saying to myself, "I'll start on Monday." 4:26 p.m. - January 30, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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