madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- peanut butter fingers October 28th, 2003 I haven�t written in awhile...not sure what to say. I�ve been doing a little better this month with my eating. I�m not binging until I�m sick every night and I�ve kept my eating in the middle of the night thing down to a 2 or 3 nights a week. That�s major improvement for me! I�ve also started exercising again, a little. I found some used Jenny Craig exercise videos at Goodwill and bought them. I know they are beginner videos, but I�m so out of shape that I�m huffing and puffing by the end of 30 minutes!! *shame * shame * Not only that, but I got blisters from my gym shoes after doing the tapes twice. Isn�t that sooo fucking sad?? The Laminaria Extract I�ve been taking has all but cured my depression and it�s weird for me to feel this �normal� all the time! I�m going to see a naturopath on Friday to make sure it is safe for me to keep taking it non-stop and also to see if he can recommend any alternatives. This happens to be a doctor I saw in 1997 who thought I needed to be on thyroid medicine then. Of course I took the thyroid pills for about a week and tossed the rest � thinking I didn�t see much of an improvement. I never realized then that depression could be directly related to the thyroid gland. So.... live and learn I guess. Don�t get me wrong, I�m not deliriously happy or anything. I�m still very bummed about this weight I�ve gained. I still hate looking at myself in the mirror...in fact I pretty much avoid it at all costs now. I look in this tiny locker mirror to check for boogers or pimples but the full length mirror is now a full time coat rack at my house. I have no desire to see how crappy I look in all my old fat clothes. I�ve caught glimpses of myself in the shiny window as I approach my work. Let�s face it - the silhouette doesn�t lie. The silhouette doesn�t take into account ample skirts or the slimming color black. When I look at my silhouette, I simply am bigger. I simply have more bulges and more girth and more shoulders and belly and legs and the line of my body has lost all of it�s leanness. It�s a heavy pill to swallow. I guess when I get sick enough of it, I�ll start changing. I hope that I make a concerted effort BEFORE something bad happens to me. I�ve been feeling a lot of really bad body stuff (heart palpitations upon exertion, panting after 1 flight of stairs, pain in my abdomen after eating fatty foods, old searing back pains and muscle spasms) that scares me. I�m not a spring chicken anymore and there will come a time when all this catches up to me. I just really want to make serious long-term changes before I have to deal with the consequences of all this abuse to my body. (god, I hate writing in this journal. it makes me think about all this stuff when I�m trying to dutifully ignore my problem. dammit.) I want to change, but I don�t want to obsess about it the way I did so long ago. It is a fine line to walk. But when I obsess, I get depressed, and I�m scared of being so depressed again. I look back and feel like I�ve somehow �lost� a year and half of my life..it�s just gone. All my memories from the past 1 � years are just awful....what I can remember of them. Most of it is becoming a total blur to me. I remember feelings like anger and grief and loss and pain � tons and tons of emotional and physical pain. But clear, bright memories have lost their way in the midst of all that darkness. I want to find a middle ground, a careful straddling of the fence between obsession and healthy awareness and positive action. I don�t want to be that freak-out-and-bawl-and throw-things-suicidal girl. She�s finally put back in her (pandora�s) box for awhile and I�d like her to stay there. She feels no hope. She only sees darkness and agony and she only feels pain and chaos. She�s the one that makes promises that can never be kept. It is her fingers that motion me to the kitchen at 2am with fingers that smell like peanut butter... 6:21 p.m. - October 28, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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