madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- peanut butter fingers October 28th, 2003 I haven’t written in awhile...not sure what to say. I’ve been doing a little better this month with my eating. I’m not binging until I’m sick every night and I’ve kept my eating in the middle of the night thing down to a 2 or 3 nights a week. That’s major improvement for me! I’ve also started exercising again, a little. I found some used Jenny Craig exercise videos at Goodwill and bought them. I know they are beginner videos, but I’m so out of shape that I’m huffing and puffing by the end of 30 minutes!! *shame * shame * Not only that, but I got blisters from my gym shoes after doing the tapes twice. Isn’t that sooo fucking sad?? The Laminaria Extract I’ve been taking has all but cured my depression and it’s weird for me to feel this “normal” all the time! I’m going to see a naturopath on Friday to make sure it is safe for me to keep taking it non-stop and also to see if he can recommend any alternatives. This happens to be a doctor I saw in 1997 who thought I needed to be on thyroid medicine then. Of course I took the thyroid pills for about a week and tossed the rest – thinking I didn’t see much of an improvement. I never realized then that depression could be directly related to the thyroid gland. So.... live and learn I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not deliriously happy or anything. I’m still very bummed about this weight I’ve gained. I still hate looking at myself in the mirror...in fact I pretty much avoid it at all costs now. I look in this tiny locker mirror to check for boogers or pimples but the full length mirror is now a full time coat rack at my house. I have no desire to see how crappy I look in all my old fat clothes. I’ve caught glimpses of myself in the shiny window as I approach my work. Let’s face it - the silhouette doesn’t lie. The silhouette doesn’t take into account ample skirts or the slimming color black. When I look at my silhouette, I simply am bigger. I simply have more bulges and more girth and more shoulders and belly and legs and the line of my body has lost all of it’s leanness. It’s a heavy pill to swallow. I guess when I get sick enough of it, I’ll start changing. I hope that I make a concerted effort BEFORE something bad happens to me. I’ve been feeling a lot of really bad body stuff (heart palpitations upon exertion, panting after 1 flight of stairs, pain in my abdomen after eating fatty foods, old searing back pains and muscle spasms) that scares me. I’m not a spring chicken anymore and there will come a time when all this catches up to me. I just really want to make serious long-term changes before I have to deal with the consequences of all this abuse to my body. (god, I hate writing in this journal. it makes me think about all this stuff when I’m trying to dutifully ignore my problem. dammit.) I want to change, but I don’t want to obsess about it the way I did so long ago. It is a fine line to walk. But when I obsess, I get depressed, and I’m scared of being so depressed again. I look back and feel like I’ve somehow “lost” a year and half of my life..it’s just gone. All my memories from the past 1 ½ years are just awful....what I can remember of them. Most of it is becoming a total blur to me. I remember feelings like anger and grief and loss and pain – tons and tons of emotional and physical pain. But clear, bright memories have lost their way in the midst of all that darkness. I want to find a middle ground, a careful straddling of the fence between obsession and healthy awareness and positive action. I don’t want to be that freak-out-and-bawl-and throw-things-suicidal girl. She’s finally put back in her (pandora’s) box for awhile and I’d like her to stay there. She feels no hope. She only sees darkness and agony and she only feels pain and chaos. She’s the one that makes promises that can never be kept. It is her fingers that motion me to the kitchen at 2am with fingers that smell like peanut butter... 6:21 p.m. - October 28, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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