madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Concussion, broken rib, hurt feelings My naturopath diagnosed me with hypothyroid - underactive thyroid. This could be the cause for so many of my problems - depression, stalled weight loss, rapid weight gain...the list goes on and on. He said going through my health record he could clearly see labs that indicate this. Based on my symptoms he was appalled that nobody would treat me for it. Like I said before, doctors told me it was "low, but not low enough to treat". I've been told that for years. So I'm into two weeks of thyroid medicine but I feel bizarre, achy everywhere, speedy in the morning and crashed by 3 o'clock. I've had intense leg cramps and weird crampy muscular pains all over. I've had shallow breathing and heart palpitations, difficulty swallowing and sore throat. I don't know what the hell to think. Not to mention that in 1 1/2 weeks I gained 4.2 pounds...and I haven't been binging. So something clearly isn't right. I finally stopped taking it yesterday and the weird symptoms stopped...but of course now I'm feeling depressed and tired again. (and hopeless) I need to make a follow-up appointment and get this straightened out. Confession: I'm wearing size 30 pants & 30/32 shirt. I just (finally) couldn't squeeze into my 26/28's and still draw in a full breath. So I broke down last night and bought a single pair of size 30 jeans and a bigger shirt...telling myself the whole time that this is "just to tide me over until I do something...". I've had little moments when I felt a shift, like I was going around the bend towards fitness again. I was exercising in October regularly - and it felt really good. I was making decent food choices. I didn't gain any weight in October at all. Then a 'Curves' opened up in a neighborhood near me, and I made an appointment to check it out. I felt hopeful. Then, Halloween morning came. I locked my front door and turned to go down my stairs. But I lost my footing and fell down the flight. I fractured my rib, crunched my already bad knee, bruised my hip and sustained a blow to the head which gave me a concussion. I spent the next week and a half limping around - dazed and confused. My memory hasn't been the same since the concussion either. The doc says this can happen and will eventually go away. I just feel "cloudy" sometimes, and I can't explain it any other way. So of course I didn't keep my Curves appointment, and I fell out of the exercise habit again, and I felt vulnerable. Old fears resurfaced with a vengence.
Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting back and watching this sad movie about this girl who once felt great about herself, who once was happy - I watch her slowly spiral down into oblivion. I watch her ruin all the good she's done by stuffing herself silly with food she doesn't even want. I watch her get needy and whiny again. I watch her spend her savings on hypnotherapist and pills - hoping for that magic pill, the one that will motivate her or make it easier for her to do what she knows she must do. I watch her feel worthless again. I watch her fidget with her clothes, her hair. She hates being in public. She writhes in the pinching desks in class and takes up 1 1/2 seats on the bus again. I watch her squirm in the company of all these thin 20-year old college students. I watch her go to bed everynight with those shadows under her eyes - the shadows that spell depression and grief. But most of all I watch her get angry again, at everything, at everyone...the guy at the checkout who cuts in front of her, her co-workers, her husband, the cats. She is becoming this mean angry person again. And disappointment hangs over her like this dark cloud, shadowing everything she does, coloring everything she sees. I keep thinking, "I'll do better soon. I'll get motivated soon. I'll get sick enough of being this heavy again and I'll change." But the scale said 284 this morning, and I just about died. I've set so many goals for myself the past 6 months, little, attainable goals. And I've failed myself over and over again. After awhile you just lose faith in yourself. You feel like what's the point of setting goals...you'll never reach them anyway. And then someone signs my guestbook and says, "Why don't you update? Where are you?"... 10:47 a.m. - November 13, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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