madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heather Tornado August 14, 2003 A tornado hit my bedroom this morning. Not a traditional tornado made of wind and clouds, but the kind of tornado made of flesh and fat and bones�the kind that resembles a fat, naked madwoman desperate to find something to wear. My whirlwind arms tossed clothes from the hamper and haphazardly overturned dresser drawers. Neat stacks of folded shirts shivered and tumbled at the sight of my desperation. The under-the-bed box hid in the dark, quietly trying to avoid my wrath - but nothing was left untouched. With the hands of the clock ticking as my bus sped closer to my stop, I finally decided on a stretchy jean skirt and slimming black top that says �Diva� on it. Ironic, eh? Diva. Yes�Diva indeed�Diva of Devonshire cream�Diva of Doughnuts�Diva of Dreamcicles. It was more like I�d been the Diva of Decadence and now it was time to pay the price. Now it was time for the Diva of Diet to make her appearance. So here I am, sitting in this pinching skirt, cursing the moment I welcomed apathy back into my life. No, not quite apathy�it�s not like I didn�t care at all. It was more like I was indifferent, unaffected. It was like I was watching a movie starring Heather Mader - the story of a woman who emotionally & psychologically slipped and fell and couldn�t get up. I saw her struggle and cry and fight and succumb and finally the light just went out in her and she turned into a shadow�black deadweight and getting heavier. It was like I was watching this happening to somebody else�somebody who wasn�t me. Logically, I know that�s not quite accurate - although it is the way my mind chooses to remember things. I do remember hearing little voices reminding me that Taco Bell wasn�t a food group and exercise was supposed to be more than wandering down the ice cream isle at the grocery store. I just ignored them. I knew what I was doing. Or, rather, at least wanted to believe that I knew. Maintaining my illusions, you know.
4:00 p.m. - August 14, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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