madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- D-Day August 13, 2003 Today is D-Day. This morning I woke up, went for my walk, took a shower and went to get dressed. I put on my pants but they wouldn't button. I tried another pair - wouldn't zip. Tried another two pairs - same thing. It was awful. I've never gained weight this quickly....it was just two weeks ago that I was wearing those pants. They were tight, yes, but I could totally wear them and button them up. They were the pants I wore when I was just in Newcastle a month ago. I guess I'm still in shock. I've been journaling my food and I do great all day. But it seems like every night I eat my dinner and I simply must have dessert. No sooner than that, I�m just saying "Fuck it" and eat I more until I�m uncomfortably numb. That feeling is going to kill me, I swear. I'm considering going back to counseling. Because as a reader gently reminded me, "I have issues" and just because I lost the weight doesn't mean the issues are gone too. I just can't imagine what stupid issues I could possibly still have. Will counseling help? I don�t know. The last time I went, earlier in the year, I felt like it was a waste of time. We talked about my past a lot. To me, I feel like I�ve dealt with my past and put a lot of it behind me. I�ve forgiven people I�ve needed to forgive and tried to forgive myself when I was the one who made mistakes. I feel like I�ve dealt with my molestation when I was a kid. I don�t know if �forgiveness� is a word that enters my mind regarding that, but at least I think I�ve come to terms with it. I just don�t know what could be buried in the depths of me that would be so awful, so horrible that I feel the need to encase myself in fat. Anyway, all I know is that today sucked so bad. And now I realize that I can't wear any of my clothes except for the 4 "fat" dresses I own.... and it feels terrible. It brings back memories of the old days when I had trouble finding clothes to wear every day, when I never felt cute, when my self-confidence was in the toilet. I've made it through 2 nights in a row without eating at 2:00am. You don't know what an accomplishment that is for me. I am in such a habit of waking up and eating in the middle of the night that I do it before I'm even awake. There are times when I "wake up" and I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar with my fingers and I have no memory of getting out of bed!! Can you believe that? So making it through 2 nights is at least a start. Hubby suggested a reward system - you know, the way you reward little kids for doing their chores? He thought that for, say, every 15 consecutive days I make it without eating in the middle of the night I should treat myself to a new CD or a pair of earrings. Great, now all I need is the little homemade calendar scratched out with crayon and a bag of shiny gold, silver & blue stars to stick on. 4:06 p.m. - August 13, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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