madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Instincts August 7, 2003 Today my horoscope said, �The Sun trines with Pluto so you are ready to deal with the truth as it appears to you. Break down all illusion and come to terms with what is real. Focus on changing what you don�t like and forget about the past.� To say that I have been focusing on the past � what I should�ve been doing, what I didn�t do, what I could�ve done to avoid being this heavy again � well, that would be an understatement. Just yesterday I was talking to my friend Stephanie about illusions in which I related this: �Something that made sense to me came from that movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Sean Connery who was in prison after living with apes. (I think its called Instinct) Anyway, in this one scene, Cuba is acting like a hot-shot, self-righteous, unafraid psychiatrist who�s trying to push Sean Connery (a supposed crazy, psycho killer) into answering questions he doesn�t want to answer�when Sean suddenly freaks out and overtakes him. He covers his mouth with masking tape that he innocently peeled of a chair earlier in the scene, and then holds a sharpened pencil to his neck. Then Sean demands, "What is it that you�ve lost, what is it that I�ve taken from you!? Write it down!!" and Cuba is like scared and sweating and suddenly not so very unafraid and he writes "freedom". BAM! � That�s the wrong answer and Sean tightens his grip around his throat. So then Cuba writes "control"...which is, again, the wrong answer so Sean acts pissed off and gives him one final chance to get it right � OR ELSE. (truthfully, I�m not sure what the OR ELSE part is. I never believed that Sean was truly dangerous, just trying to prove a point. But that could just be because he�s old and still sexy as all hell.) Anyway, this giant light goes off in Cuba�s eyes as he finally gets the point of this little, painful exercise - and he scribbles "My Illusion".� Aaaahhhh�.the answer that Sean was looking for and he gives him a kiss on his sweaty head and lets him go. Then he goes into this speech about illusions and how nothing is really real, and we need to remember that even when we think we are in control, we are actually NOT in control. We are simply fooled into believing we have control. This was significant to me because this whole time my seeming "control" over my diet and exercise and weight has simply been an illusion. I don't think a person ever has true control over an addiction that has plagued them for most of their lives. And for those who do - I think they are the minority. The rest of us have to not only be content with this illusion, but embrace it. Because the minute we truly believe we are in total control, that�s when it all falls to pieces. I�m reading over my past food journals and creating a meal plan from them. I look at those pages and realize that I was eating plenty of food � just different foods. And the glaring difference is not only the amount of sugar I consume now vs. then, but also the quantity of vegetables I was eating. I had a vegetable or two at nearly every meal. I also wasn�t snacking all day long like I do now�something that I�ve gotten into these days. It feels good to read over these food journals. It is living proof � in writing � that not only was I eating correctly for long periods of time, (i.e. it IS possible) but I was actually succeeding. (i.e. losing weight) Reminders are good....and to think I almost threw away these journals in a fit of rage a couple of months ago. Glad I didnt. 12:14 p.m. - August 07, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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