madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dresses don't lie I thought I had given away all my fat clothes, but that was a lie. Only I didn�t know it was a lie until now. It became glaringly apparent to me when all of my newer pants were lying in a neat, freshly washed pile and all my empire-waist dresses were filling the laundry basket. I hate those dresses, yet I�ve been wearing them daily for weeks now. I justified it. I let myself believe that it was hot and I needed something breezy to wear, or that I wanted to dress up for work. But I never dress up for work. I told myself that the dryer must have shrunk my bras because they were pinching, and shrunk my shirts because my stomach was hanging out the bottom. I�ve been uncomfortable in all of my clothes for months, uncomfortable in my skin. I feel uncomfortable now, just saying this aloud because I�m acknowledging that that I�ve been lying to myself. I have, indeed, simply been wearing my fat clothes again. Yes, there were signs�signs that I tried not to ignore. I told myself I was still being �aware�, still remaining �conscious�, all the while avoiding eye contact with mirrors in my house or blaming my round face on this new god-forsaken haircut that does nothing for me. But that was a lie too. I�ve slipped. I�ve done old things. I�ve been this other person, the person I used to be. I�ve lived in her skin and breathed her tight lungs and walked with her heavy steps and aching knees. I�ve fulfilled her every desire without question, without thought of consequences. I�ve stuffed down those ancient feelings that have risen in me like boiling acid in my throat�.soothing them with cool ice cream and more. I�ve sabotaged efforts while reiterating how hard change is. I�ve even just turned my cheek from the truth, something I said I�d never again do. I know I�m backing myself into a corner. I know I must have a sick need to feel trapped. But knowing this doesn�t make me any less depressed, any less afraid of what the outcome will be. I never knew that 20 pounds could feel so heavy. 12:27 p.m. - August 06, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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