madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dresses don't lie I thought I had given away all my fat clothes, but that was a lie. Only I didn’t know it was a lie until now. It became glaringly apparent to me when all of my newer pants were lying in a neat, freshly washed pile and all my empire-waist dresses were filling the laundry basket. I hate those dresses, yet I’ve been wearing them daily for weeks now. I justified it. I let myself believe that it was hot and I needed something breezy to wear, or that I wanted to dress up for work. But I never dress up for work. I told myself that the dryer must have shrunk my bras because they were pinching, and shrunk my shirts because my stomach was hanging out the bottom. I’ve been uncomfortable in all of my clothes for months, uncomfortable in my skin. I feel uncomfortable now, just saying this aloud because I’m acknowledging that that I’ve been lying to myself. I have, indeed, simply been wearing my fat clothes again. Yes, there were signs…signs that I tried not to ignore. I told myself I was still being “aware”, still remaining “conscious”, all the while avoiding eye contact with mirrors in my house or blaming my round face on this new god-forsaken haircut that does nothing for me. But that was a lie too. I’ve slipped. I’ve done old things. I’ve been this other person, the person I used to be. I’ve lived in her skin and breathed her tight lungs and walked with her heavy steps and aching knees. I’ve fulfilled her every desire without question, without thought of consequences. I’ve stuffed down those ancient feelings that have risen in me like boiling acid in my throat….soothing them with cool ice cream and more. I’ve sabotaged efforts while reiterating how hard change is. I’ve even just turned my cheek from the truth, something I said I’d never again do. I know I’m backing myself into a corner. I know I must have a sick need to feel trapped. But knowing this doesn’t make me any less depressed, any less afraid of what the outcome will be. I never knew that 20 pounds could feel so heavy. 12:27 p.m. - August 06, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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