madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Making a plan So I reiterate that change has been the theme since I got back from the funeral. There are some things that have been made very clear to me. There are things I know. Like I know I have to change my destructive eating pattern and lack of exercise. I know that if I gain even 5 more pounds, I will not be able to zip any of my pants….and this is something to be stressed about. I know I’m horribly addicted to sugar and carbs right now. I tried to do the “South Beach Diet” (which is no flour/sugar/processed carbs/fruit) for two weeks and I crashed & burned after only two days. I felt like I was going crazy on it. I was constantly thinking about foods I don’t even particularly care for, like popcorn and saltines. I couldn’t sleep at night!! Seriously! So I’m dealing with this by buying myself a new notebook, writing out some “rules”, and counting my calories again so I can get this thing under control. I made goals very reasonable and extremely do-able, so as not to simply throw my hands up and run to the fridge for condolences. I’m on day one of this, and my first short-term goal is to make it to my birthday without breaking the rules I’ve set out for myself. That’s a month. That’s time enough for me to see some changes and make some better habits and hopefully be able to button up some of my pants again. * Sigh * There are other things I know too…like the fact that my job is going nowhere and I am unhappy here. This job doesn’t stimulate me or challenge me in any way. I also know that I am thankful for my job and the security it has provided me, and the lack of stress here. Having this job helped me find the energy to lose weight….that’s something I could’ve never done at my old, backbreaking job. I am a woman with talents! Granted, I may not be the BEST writer, the BEST artist, the BEST cook…but I am all of those things. And to make money doing those things would make me gloriously happy. Of course, I’m not sure what the magic formula is to make this my reality. But I’ve decided to at least start. I registered for the Fall term and choose Art as my major. I’ll probably be the oldest person there and I can’t go full time and I had to jump through a ton of hoops to get the time off from work. But I figure, even if it takes me 10 years to get my degree – at least I’ll have accomplished something for myself. Hell, even if I fail and NEVER get my degree or if I get halfway into it and decide that’s not a field I want to be in - at least I can go to sleep every night knowing that I tried. At least I’ll know I didn’t just passively sit by and let my life slip away between my fingers for fear of failing. I have always had dreams of opening my own coffee shop/Bistro but figured I’d never get it off the ground without money to invest. So I stuck that dream on an unreachable shelf, high in the corners of my imagination….that is until now. I’ve registered for SCORE’s small business workshops in August and September and I’m going to find out what it will really take for me to open a business of my own and if it’s something I can do without collateral and without any money down. I just decided that it’s silly to not even TRY to see if I can do this. Look at how many foreigners come to America and do just that – open their own business with virtually nothing down! If they can do it, why couldn’t I? And as far as my writing goes, well, I’ve long fantasized about a career as a food writer. (ya, I know, not the healthiest things for me…but that’s why it’s just a fantasy, right?!?) But I have also thought about trying to publish a book of fiction or poetry or even a children’s book illustrated with my art. I haven’t figured out how to begin turning this wheel yet. I read the book, “So you want to write” and it sounded like getting published was complex and time-consuming. And after I finished the last chapter, I remember feeling remarkably bummed about the process. The bug that will make my path clear in this area hasn’t bitten me, but I hope it will come to me soon. Any real-life stories of successful writers please share. Anyway, I think it’s been a combination of my 30th birthday, my weight gain, and my grandfather’s funeral that sucker punched me into change. I’ve soooo completely let myself go this past year. And yes, for those of you who’ve been following my journey, you know I had a rough one. BUT STILL! There comes a time when you must pick yourself up, dust off your pants, and keep on walking. That’s what I intend to do. Regarding this site, I just wanted to make a few points. First of all, I know it looks very boring and crappy right now. A lovely friend is still working out the actual design and I’m sure it will be fabulous in no time. I don’t question other people’s artistic timing…everything happens for a reason. Also, I’m intending on learning at least the basics of html so I can add a page of pictures and links and lots of the other stuff that was on my old site. Then, at some point when I figure out the logistics of it, want to post old entries from my “A Mouse in the House” journal. I think it will help new people follow my story. I have no clue how to do this, so it may never come into fruition…but like everything in my life, I’ll at least give it a shot! Lastly, I wanted to say thanks for sticking with me. It is difficult to follow a journey when it becomes depressing or occluded and difficult. But here you are…and I thank you. 2:58 p.m. - 7/29/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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