madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Making a plan So I reiterate that change has been the theme since I got back from the funeral. There are some things that have been made very clear to me. There are things I know. Like I know I have to change my destructive eating pattern and lack of exercise. I know that if I gain even 5 more pounds, I will not be able to zip any of my pants�.and this is something to be stressed about. I know I�m horribly addicted to sugar and carbs right now. I tried to do the �South Beach Diet� (which is no flour/sugar/processed carbs/fruit) for two weeks and I crashed & burned after only two days. I felt like I was going crazy on it. I was constantly thinking about foods I don�t even particularly care for, like popcorn and saltines. I couldn�t sleep at night!! Seriously! So I�m dealing with this by buying myself a new notebook, writing out some �rules�, and counting my calories again so I can get this thing under control. I made goals very reasonable and extremely do-able, so as not to simply throw my hands up and run to the fridge for condolences. I�m on day one of this, and my first short-term goal is to make it to my birthday without breaking the rules I�ve set out for myself. That�s a month. That�s time enough for me to see some changes and make some better habits and hopefully be able to button up some of my pants again. * Sigh * There are other things I know too�like the fact that my job is going nowhere and I am unhappy here. This job doesn�t stimulate me or challenge me in any way. I also know that I am thankful for my job and the security it has provided me, and the lack of stress here. Having this job helped me find the energy to lose weight�.that�s something I could�ve never done at my old, backbreaking job. I am a woman with talents! Granted, I may not be the BEST writer, the BEST artist, the BEST cook�but I am all of those things. And to make money doing those things would make me gloriously happy. Of course, I�m not sure what the magic formula is to make this my reality. But I�ve decided to at least start. I registered for the Fall term and choose Art as my major. I�ll probably be the oldest person there and I can�t go full time and I had to jump through a ton of hoops to get the time off from work. But I figure, even if it takes me 10 years to get my degree � at least I�ll have accomplished something for myself. Hell, even if I fail and NEVER get my degree or if I get halfway into it and decide that�s not a field I want to be in - at least I can go to sleep every night knowing that I tried. At least I�ll know I didn�t just passively sit by and let my life slip away between my fingers for fear of failing. I have always had dreams of opening my own coffee shop/Bistro but figured I�d never get it off the ground without money to invest. So I stuck that dream on an unreachable shelf, high in the corners of my imagination�.that is until now. I�ve registered for SCORE�s small business workshops in August and September and I�m going to find out what it will really take for me to open a business of my own and if it�s something I can do without collateral and without any money down. I just decided that it�s silly to not even TRY to see if I can do this. Look at how many foreigners come to America and do just that � open their own business with virtually nothing down! If they can do it, why couldn�t I? And as far as my writing goes, well, I�ve long fantasized about a career as a food writer. (ya, I know, not the healthiest things for me�but that�s why it�s just a fantasy, right?!?) But I have also thought about trying to publish a book of fiction or poetry or even a children�s book illustrated with my art. I haven�t figured out how to begin turning this wheel yet. I read the book, �So you want to write� and it sounded like getting published was complex and time-consuming. And after I finished the last chapter, I remember feeling remarkably bummed about the process. The bug that will make my path clear in this area hasn�t bitten me, but I hope it will come to me soon. Any real-life stories of successful writers please share. Anyway, I think it�s been a combination of my 30th birthday, my weight gain, and my grandfather�s funeral that sucker punched me into change. I�ve soooo completely let myself go this past year. And yes, for those of you who�ve been following my journey, you know I had a rough one. BUT STILL! There comes a time when you must pick yourself up, dust off your pants, and keep on walking. That�s what I intend to do. Regarding this site, I just wanted to make a few points. First of all, I know it looks very boring and crappy right now. A lovely friend is still working out the actual design and I�m sure it will be fabulous in no time. I don�t question other people�s artistic timing�everything happens for a reason. Also, I�m intending on learning at least the basics of html so I can add a page of pictures and links and lots of the other stuff that was on my old site. Then, at some point when I figure out the logistics of it, want to post old entries from my �A Mouse in the House� journal. I think it will help new people follow my story. I have no clue how to do this, so it may never come into fruition�but like everything in my life, I�ll at least give it a shot! Lastly, I wanted to say thanks for sticking with me. It is difficult to follow a journey when it becomes depressing or occluded and difficult. But here you are�and I thank you. 2:58 p.m. - 7/29/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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