madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 19th, 2001 Are you guys ready to see some new pictures yet? I�m having some friends over this weekend, and then going to an overnight barbeque so I�ll use up the rest of the role on em�. Then I can As my husband says, �You have a great figure - curvy hourglass.� On cue, I sarcastically remark, �Yes, I have LOTS of curves!!� Then I grab a fat roll or two and jiggle them wildly while making a face. Its amazing that he still finds me attractive when I do things like this. What a champ. Oh, he�d kill you if he knew I told you this story. But since he doesn�t read my site much, I�m going to share it anyway.... Last weekend we were in the park playing catch, him with his $50 leather catcher�s mitt, and me with my $4 garage-sale Pee Wee glove. (HEY! DON�T LAUGH! I HAVE SMALL HANDS!) So we are tossing the ball back and forth, I�m trying my best to go through the motions of a pitcher...like I even know what those motions are...when I notice my hubby has this look in his eye, and a big grin from ear to ear. He�s watching me and enjoying it. Course I�m smiling too while considering my actions - the �old� me would�ve NEVER played catch on a Saturday afternoon. Why play catch (ug, physical) when we could go to a restaurant (yum, food)??? Anyway, so I go over to him and ask what�s the look on his face all about? �I just think you are totally beautiful�, he says. �That�s so sweet, honey.� I reply, and give him a big long 3-minute hug and he squeezes me extra tight. But when I pull away from him, he has these big salty tears welled up in his eyes and he says, �You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met - it hurts.� I hug him again in humble disbelief at his honesty, his emotion. He rarely shows his emotions like that. The thing is, that its apparent he�s being totally genuine - he really does see me as a beautiful lady. His perception of me blows me away. I hope that someday I can see even a fraction of what he sees in me. So, back at the office earlier today, one of my co-workers grandson comes in to wait for grandma to get off work. His name is Jimmy, and he�s 10yrs old. He usually gravitates towards my desk and we chat about our days, mess around on the computer, or play mini-rubberband fights. (Yes, I know the other ladies in the office totally appreciate this - well, fuck em�. It feels good to play with a kid sometimes and be disruptive.) Today I�m busy answering phones but I notice he�s gotten into the Paint program on the computer and he�s staying out of trouble. He prints something out and hands it to me right before walking out the door. It�s a bright pink page with white blocks on it. In each block, Jimmy has written something about me. Like, in one block it says �Heather is very very cool and funny� and another reads, �always listens� and �never walks away from me�. It�s the nicest gift, very fresh and honest. But it�s the words in a little white box near the right corner that puts a lump in my throat. The word says: �active�. I think, he�s talking about me? Active? I�ve never been known to be active in any way to anyone in any way, shape or form in my entire life. I relish the word, reading it over and over, in disbelief. Active. I realize that this is Jimmy�s perception of me, as he�s come to really know me during the last 6 months. I have my tennis shoes stashed under my desk, and I usually just return from my walk about the time he comes in each day. It�s a good thing to remember that perceptions of ourselves, and how others perceive us, can be two totally different things. I have never taken compliments very well, basically because I can�t believe they could be true. But I�m going to make a concerted effort to really listen when my husband says, �you�re beautiful�, instead of just brushing it off as love. It means something....and who knows, it might even be true! 12:21 p.m. - June 19th, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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