madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 5, 2001 The weather was beautiful yesterday. It was hot in the beginning, but cleared in the afternoon to reveal brilliant blue skies speckled with cirrus clouds. A light breeze was blowing, just enough to cool us off. We sat outside, shucking corn, peeling garlic and munching on crisp watermelon. We drank iced lemon tea and prepared zucchini and steaks for the grill. I�m the grill-master now! Although I love to cook, I don�t have much practice with the grill. The first time I tried lighting the grill I used a whole book of matches! (Yikes) But yesterday I set up everything perfect, lit the match, and poof - fire!! Arrrr!! I felt so manly! :) No wonder men love to burn and blow things up. Speaking of which, I walked across the bridge and watched the fireworks. From that vantage point, I could see 4 firework shows...what a deal, eh?! I walked home about a mile, uphill, and felt great. It was a good day all the way around, and I felt truly content and happy. Which brings me to the subject of happiness. I�ve posted a saying at my desk in the office which reads, �Joy is not in things; it is in us.� - Richard Wagner. I glance at this sign about 30 times a day, sometimes intentionally, sometimes by chance. But nevertheless, it has made an imprint on my psyche. If you haven�t gathered this about me already, I am a pleasure freak - I always have been. I�ve used drugs in the past to get pleasure, to subdue pain, and to hide from reality. I�ve used food as a comfort tool, an entertainment, a companion, and a pain reliever. I�ve ran away from difficult times with food. Ran to the solace and tranquil numbness that food provides. Its an individual vice that I�ve found to be quite effective....in the past. But even with all this so-called �comfort� I�ve never actually been happy. Which is why posting this saying in a place where I can see it, is a quiet declaration of my new life. �Joy is not in things, it is in us.� When I�m at the store, choosing the foods that I will consume that day, I think of this saying. What will make me happy? Will this cookie make me happy? If joy is not in things, how can a cookie provide happiness? Sounds to easy, I know. But I�m telling you that I think of this quote whenever I�m making decisions. Its simple, and it works. Inside each of us is the ability to change our perceptions. We each create our own reality, based on the choices we make. For 27 years, I chose to use food as my joy, my happiness. When I turned around, 375 pounds later, my reality came into sharp focus. I had gained nothing, but weight! My depression was at an all-time high, my self-confidence was rock-bottom, and my health was deteriorating. The path I chose, was to place my joy in things. I never once looked inside of me, because I feared what I would find. I feared that I was a weak woman, who simply could never find joy without large quantities of fattening foods to numb me. I thought I could never be anyone different than who I�d always been. I was so wrong to believe this fallacy. Its not too hard. I�m not too fat to exercise. I can cook everyday. Healthy food does taste good. I can live without butter. I do have time. I can alter my reality. Ask yourself, what are your perceptions? Do you find joy in things? Or in yourself. 12:27 p.m. - July 5, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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