madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 6th, 2001 In my neighborhood, the Jenny Craig office is two doors down from Old Country Buffet?? I just never figured that one out. Is that a selling point? �Jenny Craig now located next to Old Country Buffet for your dietary convenience.� ? Then yesterday, I saw a 500lb man hobble out of Subway carrying 3 foot long subs, while Jared flashed his grin from a billboard overhead touting �6 subs with 6 grams of fat or less.� In the supermarket, a Woman�s Day magazine boasts, �Lose 10lbs fast with amazing chocolate diet!�. Inside the magazine, this article is directly opposite to another article entitled, �The dangers of fad dieting, and what it can mean for your health.� Is it just me, or do you find those things totally ironic? Onto other things, I still get stares from the skinny people when I�m at Natures grocery. It�s a health food store, specializing in organic produce, whole-earth products, and they cater to the vegetarian. Every time I go in there, I have to shake the feeling that people are staring at me. They eye my cart suspiciously, searching for the fat-laden hummus or the pesto and alfredo sauces. I stand in the deli, searching the case for anything not totally bathed in olive oil or aioli. But I�m just sure that those around me are wondering HOW MUCH pasta salad I�m going to take home. Okay, so maybe I�m paranoid. (Um, Yes!) But why don�t I feel like a normal person? Sometimes I�ll leave with fruits, vegis, a few bulk foods like beans and oatmeal and even a supplement or bottle of vitamins. Why do I feel like a criminal shopping there? When will I feel normal? Never? I remember when I lost weight on the Diet Center, when I was 15-16 yrs old. I still thought I was fat. I remember wearing a huge baggy pink sweater over my size 10 jeans and worrying if my stomach was showing or not. Is that totally fucked up or what?? I went to a school dance and sat against the wall the whole time - just sure that I�d make a fool of myself shaking and jiving. When a boy did finally come and ask me to dance with him, I refused him......about 6 times until I finally had to tell him to just �leave me alone�. He was about 3 inches shorter than me, and tiny as a mouse. You could tell he was totally smitten with me, as I had seen him watching me in class weeks before, stumbling over himself to talk to me. But I just imagined us out on the dance floor, and the old rhyme came back to me; �Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean.� I pictured us dancing, a twig and a watermelon - and that was that - no way in hell was I going to dance with him, no matter how sweet he was. I wish I could remember his name. I�d write him a letter saying I�m sorry for being such a petty little fool. Looking back, I really made a scene by refusing him over and over. I saw a teacher standing beside him who kept encouraging him to approach me, to convince me, to coax me to the dance floor - long after I�d made up my mind I wasn�t dancing with him even when hell froze over. Oh, those were the days, eh? During my �thin� period, I dated a lot of very good-looking guys. I�ve always despised the Diet Center part of my life, but in retrospect, I should be thankful. The weight loss made my high school years go a little smoother than someone who weighed 200lbs the whole time. I went from 130lbs or so as a sophomore, to 208lbs when I graduated. It bought me some time to look quasi-normal and have some handsome boyfriends. I guess I should be thankful...or at least I should keep telling myself that. One or the other. I�ve had a good week. I did, however, fudge a bit and drive to the doctor�s office to weigh myself today. I don�t know why I do that - its so discouraging. You�d think that having the doctor�s office 2 miles away would be reason enough to only do it once a week. But no, I can always somehow fit it into my morning, even by bus if I have to. It�s a mind game, the scale. I�ve been really good this week, doing 3 miles every day so far & weights 2 days. So even if the scale says something I don�t want to hear on Monday, I�m going to will myself to be happy about it...or at least I�ll keep telling myself that. One or the other... :) Have a wonderful weekend, and I�ll catch you on the flip side. 12:28 p.m. - July 6th, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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