madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 3rd, 2001 Many days I�m not sure what to write about. I sit back and let the day come to me, offering its insights in bits and pieces. Occasionally, despite the mundane tasks of daily life, a ray of inspiration will pierce through with a blinding brightness. Its then that I race to the computer, my fingers gushing words, sentences and paragraphs trying to recapture the moment which made an impression. Those are the days I savor, the days I relish. Today is not one of those days. The words don�t come easy today. I strain to pull together the images that my thoughts volunteer so easily, so freely. The bridge between mind and body sways in the breeze, unsteady. Yet I�m determined to move forward, telling the story anyway. Telling the story even if it doesn�t quite have the impact I had hoped for. I do the best I can, creatively. I want to tell you how special a reader made me feel today. Because today hasn�t been a particularly special day. I�ve felt a bit down, a bit average. I�ve felt to be nothing exceptional today. I found no new spaces in my shoes, where feet used to go. I�ve found the shirt that fit me yesterday, is no baggier today. I�ve seen no new hints of muscle or definition anywhere. I�ve had no major breakthroughs of mind or spirit. I�ve not surpassed some significant goal, or changed dramatically. I�ve heard no voices mouthing, �you look great� today. Today has been the epitome of mediocrity....until a few minutes ago. I checked my otherwise barren e-mailbox and was surprised to find an unopened letter entitled, �just a few words�. Sarah shared a story of her distinction to a co-worker who remarked, �You are trying to lose weight�. To which she boldly replied, �I�m not trying, I AM losing weight.� I chuckled at the thought, knowing exactly how that feels. I had said the same thing to my father about 5 months ago. It�s a defining moment. It feels so good to be proud of the changes, and feel confident in telling others. Then she goes on to say this, �You are a doer. You are losing weight, not trying to or hoping to. And you don�t have to hope you�ve passed the point of no return, only know that you have. You inspire me.� - Sarah I instantly felt a lump form in my throat, my breath catch. Each letter formed a word, the words formed a sentence. The sentence spoke to me, to the very depths of my soul. My spirits instantly lifted, my burden lightened. Her words rang in my ears, �You inspire me�. I guess I can�t exactly describe the emotions that overwhelmed me. I�ve been feeling so afraid lately. The task before me that once seemed so clear and sharp has become dead weight, so burdensome. Yet I know I cannot lay it down. So I just keep trudging along this path with leaden arms, waiting for something to give me perspective. And then she did. Its like she had come to a dark, cool place and let the sun�s warmth shine down on me. The dark brooding cloud over my head dissipated, parting way for blue skies. I felt renewal. I felt strength returning to me. Sometimes it�s the energy that another person expends, that makes all the difference. I printed out the e-mail. Carefully using my scissors, I cut around her words, forming a paper strip. I opened my journal to the inside cover, placed the strip on it, and taped it from end to end. There. Now it was eternal, now it would be preserved for years to come. Something beautiful and genuine and honest, written to me as a gift could be remembered forever. I have cut out all the complimentary, encouraging, and kind words you all have written to me, and I�ve plastered my journals with them. So each day when I wake up and have to face my food choices, your words comfort me. They are there to guide me along my journey, to be cherished each and every day. Sometimes is the energy that another person expends, that makes all the difference. 12:27 p.m. - July 3rd, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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