madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9/4/01 I feel like quitting. I don�t remember ever feeling so low, with regards to my weight loss. The scale, again, said 288 this morning. I cried. Last Thursday I started eating perfectly - staying well within my calories. I pumped up my exercise to the max every morning. Saturday, I walked through a forest trail for almost 4 miles, and then helped a friend move for 5 � hours! Sunday I did almost 4 miles worth of brisk walking, lifted weights, and did lots of walking while shopping. Its been five solid days of good eating, and strenuous exercise, with not so much as a dip in the scale. This morning, after stepping on it & reading the numbers, I literally broke down. I don�t know how I became so dependent on the scale to feel good. And although I know, in my head, its not a race. I feel pressured to lose as much as I can before stepping on that plane in December. The question is, who�s pressuring me? Nobody. Myself I guess. The goal of 100 pounds is so close I can taste it....13 pounds. Why am I not losing!? When will this break? How can I make it break? I say I feel like quitting, well I guess that isn�t totally true. I don�t feel like totally giving up. But I do feel really pissed off, angry, and depressed that the scale has been the EXACT same number for nearly 3 � weeks now! I could accept it when I knew I wasn�t being totally perfect with my diet. But its very difficult to accept when I am working to full capacity and not seeing any changes. I feel like, what�s the point of all this effort? And so here I am, with not an encouraging word, insightful story, or helpful hint for any of you. I feel so totally down, so defeated by this. Scientifically, I KNOW I�ve consumed less calories than I used in the past 5 days. So I should, by all manner of logic, have lost even half a pound by now! It makes no sense to me. I�m just sick to my stomach over it. My wishy-washy self is thinking of making Monday my weigh-in day again. Am I somehow sabotaging myself on the weekends? I scour my food diary for proof of this. Nothing is revealed though. I have perfect days, and not so perfect days - weekends or weekdays doesn�t seem to matter. Maybe I need to start weighing once a month, so I can get the bigger picture in focus. Maybe I need to toss the scale out the window... All I can do is continue to chip away at this giant iceberg until it melts in my hand like an M&M on a hot day. Because what else can I do? I�ve given away or consigned all my size 30/32 clothes (for the most part). I hated myself at 375lbs and I never want to see that again. Do you know how much I�ll hate myself if I go back to that weight? If I allow myself the luxury of wallowing in my own grief? I shudder to think of this. I can�t think of ever going back. I just want to know when I�ll go forward again. And some part of me feels like I�m failing, that I�m not doing something �right�. I compare myself to others who have consistently lost each week, and feel like I must be doing something wrong.
So I pray to the Universe to give me patience. I pray for guidance and instruction. I pray for faith in myself, to know that things will change when the time is right. I pray to the Goddess to allow me to love myself, and relish the time it takes for this monumental change to take place. I pray for my fears to be washed away. Because that�s all I can do, right? 12:51 p.m. - 9/4/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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