madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dog Chasing tail... Have you ever seen a dog chasing its tail? It�s the funniest thing, watching it curl into a little furry, spinning doughnut and whirl around the room in a frenzy. When I was a kid, a friend of mine used to tie a shoelace on her dog�s tail while we watched. We laughed til our sides hurt � this dog wouldn�t stop for anything! We�d say, �Come here boy� and offer treats but it wouldn�t even pause. (which would make us laugh even harder) And just about the time neither of us could see through our tears, it would fall over on its side, panting and howling. So we�d laugh even harder and eventually we�d be lying on the floor beside the howling dog with a stitch in our sides moaning; I�m sure it was quite the spectacle. It got to be such a cheap (and frequent) form of entertainment that her Dad finally had to step in to spare the dog any more torment. As a kid, I never saw it as torment. But then I guess I was never on the end of it either. Now I think I understand what it feels like to be that dog, tormented by the inability to keep from chasing its own tail no matter how humiliating or futile. In one metaphorical way or another I�ve been doing the same. My weight has been a diabolical roller coaster ride that seems to screech to a deafening halt only to speed up and round a corner, almost tipping me from my seat. I�ve busted out of my clothes this month with a colossal weight gain resulting from a string of �stuffing-myself-into-a-stupor� performances that would shame even the most accomplished binge eater. I�ve been so depressed I didn�t shower and only left the couch to grab a cold slice of pizza, a pint of ice cream and a couple of prevacid. I�ve been sick with not one, but two colds each of which completely wiped out my motivation to exercise or clean house or do much of anything productive. When faced with the fact that I had to pack for a vacation, I found myself standing in my room surrounded by clothes that pinched, pulled or squeezed. I couldn�t figure out what the hell to take! Nothing would be comfortable. I had given away 6 garbage bags full of my fat clothes, keeping only a single dress to show how far I�d come, vowing I�d never go back. And there I was, wishing I had a pair of stretch pants and a baggy t-shirt to flop around in. But what could I do? I packed my bags and boarded the flight to Wyoming for my brother�s wedding. The trip was incredible. And I mean incredible in the traditional sense of the word as stated in Webster�s Dictionary, �So implausible as to elicit disbelief�. I have been in some major disbelief at how many positive and negative things happened over the course of my vacation. On the one hand, it was truly joyous (and yes, I mean that in the true sense of the word too) to see family and friends that I haven�t seen in years. In some cases all we had a chance to do was hug and share a meal, but that still meant something to me. The landscape was breathtaking. I forget what Wyoming is like in early summer with it�s green sprawling plains and the backdrop of the Rocky Mountains brushed across the brilliant sky like fine art. Plus, let�s not forget the local charm! Where else can you eat a Buffalo Burger then drive up to a liquor store and order a vodka tonic a Dixie cup � to go? (Actually, I�m not sure if that last part is still true or not, but it was a fact when I was growing up. They used to put a piece of tape over the cup�s lid to ensure that you didn�t drink it on the drive home. Ya, right.) Anyway, the wedding was spectacularly beautiful and seemed to go off without a hitch. But for me, the quintessential feel-good moment was seeing my father get teary-eyed, and then seeing my brother get choked up. The guys in my family aren�t the touchy-feely type, so it was quite something to see them get emotional. The whole trip was worth it for that. And of course, the ceremony itself was gorgeous. My mom and her sisters really have an eye for decorating. Everything was done by hand � the flowers, putting up the gigantic tent, the centerpieces, the glassware, hanging the 15,000 lights, setting up chairs, tables & linens. It was quite the dramatic affair! The flower arrangements were beautiful, the lights magical, and the candle centerpieces added that extra elegant look. They used a zillion yards of wedding tulle to soften the edges of everything from the arch, the lights, and the fence leading up to the house. And in a very Greek-Wedding-ish style, a man came early in the day and roasted a pig for people to eat at the reception. They laid down a dance floor and we danced into the night. Overall, the reception itself was really fun and truly the best part of my vacation. Too bad it didn�t last more than a few hours though, because the rest of my vacation didn�t feel like much of a vacation at all. I spent most of my time cooking and cleaning, running errands and helping the family set up for the wedding. By Thursday morning it was pretty clear that Tom and I were both coming down with something that felt like the flu. But I didn�t slow down, I just kept going and going and so did Tom. By Saturday, Tom was very sick and popping Ibuprofen like candy to keep his fever under control. During the actual wedding ceremony, his eyes were glazed over and he looked semi-delirious. I was concerned, but not to the point of worry yet. We both had fevers and my cold had settled in my chest�.I figured we were both sick and we�d live through it. After the ceremony I decided, come hell or high water, I was going to wring some fun out of my vacation. So I danced and had a glass of wine with the toast, and even followed my cousins to the bar for an hour after everyone went home. I had a great time that night despite being sick. But when I when I got home at 2:30am, Tom was shaking all over and burning up with 103 degree fever. He had taken 3200 mg of Ibuprofen over the course of the day, and another dose just before going to bed and it wasn�t touching the fever. We drove to the hospital and they admitted him into ICU, afraid that he had meningitis. That was the longest night of my life. I was so exhausted from dancing for hours and from being sick and from running non-stop since I got to Wyoming that I could barely keep my eyes open. They loaded Tom up with drugs and did a spinal tap and ran a bunch of tests. We spent the next couple days in the hospital and missed our flight out of town. They released him, saying they had no idea what was wrong but he appeared to be doing better. To make a long story short, when we got home he relapsed and the fever came back. The doctors here were stumped and sent him home with antibiotics. Tom�s doing better now and went back to work yesterday. But we still have no idea why he got fevers like that. Hopefully they won�t come back. I guess from the description, you can�t really imagine all that transpired during those 8 days. But it really was the most exhausting vacation I�ve ever had. Cooking and cleaning up after 20+ people is quite the chore! I know everyone (groom included) was wiped out. Who knew weddings were so grueling!? I�m sure being sick on top of it all made everything a little harder for me. Or maybe I�m just a wimp!! Anyway, back to chasing my tail. I�ve been trying to decide whether or not to keep this site up and running. The cost is a factor, and some people suggested (and even offered) donations. Truly, I cannot accept donations nor can I ask anyone for them. I don�t feel like I�m offering some major service here or doing anyone any favors by writing this journal. I do it for myself, and that�s not enough of a reason to justify donations. (although I am humbled and flattered by the offers) So I started looking into other diary services. After much deliberation, I�m going to go with Diaryland and my new internet address will be http://madermouse.diaryland.com/. I still haven�t figured out all the technical crap and the html jargon. I�m quite perplexed at how I�m going to get all my old entries on that site. And aside from that, I want to make the site look cool and unique but I guess I have to know html to do that. (unless I find someone to design my site for me) I purchased the comment feature so readers will be able to comment directly on the post for that day and I should be able to post pictures too if I can figure it out. Basically, this is a good change for me because I need to learn something new. As I get older, I find myself tending to stay in my comfort zone a lot. It�s harder to learn new things and I don�t push my own envelope as often. This will be a good way to force myself to shift and grow. I�m going to utilize some of the online html tutorials and see if that will help. A friend also suggested �HTML for Dummie�s� which I might look into buying. At any rate, the new site will be running whenever I�ve learned enough to get it going. So for now, this will probably be my last post on this site - which terminates on July 19th at midnight. My email address will stay the same, as well as my notify list. Anyone willing to help me with getting my new site up, running, and looking cool � I�d appreciate it! I�m used to the drop & paste method and feel like a fish out of water right now and I can use all the help I can get. I�ll close with a ton of wedding pictures and captions�Take care. 2:57 p.m. - 7/10/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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