madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/20/03 Some asshole just left me a nice message in my guestbook that something to the affect of, “You’re seriously depressed. Get help.” I read that and thought, “No shit, Sherlock! Thanks for pointing out what I already know. No, really, God Bless you for opening up my whole perception of reality!?! Where the hell have you been all my life? Darn, if only you’d come and pointed out the obvious years ago, I’d be the self-actualized person today that I always wanted to be…if only…*sniff *sniff”. Damn I hate that kind of shit. It’s like first of all – have the guts to sign your name and leave your contact information when you leave a bitchy or snotty comment in my book. You never know – you might actually enlighten me, or I you. And second of all, have enough brains to realize that pointing out the obvious (i.e. telling a depressed person that they are depressed & they should “get help”) isn’t helpful in the least. I’m sure the point of their post was to be a critically judgmental ass-wipe anyway, but still!! I can’t tell you how many times in my life people pointed out the fact that I was fat to me. Did it make me jump up and go on a diet – HELL NO!! If anything, it just fed the negativity that I was already feeling. Whatever, I’m more floored than anything at the lack of brain cells in the general population… Okay – onto real life stuff. My last post was obviously really intense, and reeking of grief and sadness. I got some intelligent responses with real, actual attempts at helping me find the silver lining. Thanks to those of you who wrote me with that. There’s no denying that I’ve had a total shit year and it gets me down from time to time. I have my bad days; I have my good days just like anyone else. But more that the individual events themselves that comprised this SHITHOLE of a year, it’s the culmination of all of those things that has really plagued me. I know its time for me to let go, to move on, to get better and make new, happier memories. Sometimes the knowledge of what a person needs to do doesn’t always make it real. I’m not sure what’s going to make it real yet, but I’m working on it. In the meantime, I haven’t exercised since I’ve been sick which has been a bummer, because I was on a roll! But, up until about 2 days ago, I was still hacking and coughing and lightheaded just walking up the stairs to my apartment. So to be fair, I haven’t really been well enough to do much. I have done little, tiny exercise-like things. For instance, did I tell you I got a new bike this last weekend? It is sooo cool! Here’s a link with a picture of it. http://www.trekbikes.com/bikes/2003/citybike/navigator200.jsp I went to a bike shop that does financing, so I’m paying for it over the course of 4 months but I got to take it home the same day. It was an early birthday present from my husband….he’s so sweet! What amazed me when I got on this bike for the first time was the comfort level. Because all this time I’ve been riding my other bike, I was always in pain somewhere. Sharp pains shot through my forearms, my wrists, and I always had this low dull ache in my back. My butt really hurt and buying a new seat didn’t help a bit. I thought I was just too fat and it would go away if I lost more weight. But 5 minutes on my new bike and I knew I’d found “the one”. This bike fits me so well and it’s so comfy. After riding to the store in the morning, I didn’t want to stop. I felt like I could just keep going and going. As I pedaled past a guy waiting for the bus, he shouted, “NICE BIKE!!”. I grinned from ear to ear and said, “Thanks!” then I went *ding *ding on my bell and happily rode home. It felt great. And without a car, this bike is going to be my ticket to freedom. J It’s vacation time for me again, and I am truly feeling the excitement of getting away. My hubby and I are off to Wyoming to see the whole family and watch my baby brother get hitched. It should be fun. Tomorrow morning I’m getting a sassy new haircut for the trip. (the long, straggly look is really make me crazy) I am determined to use this time for some fun exercise things (like possibly hiking a bit) and generally de-stress. My only focus for the next 10 days is to just have fun and be happy and relax. This is just what I need – to get away, to gain some perspective, and to let myself have a good time. Hopefully I will return with a bit of sunshine in my personality and a renewed spring in my step. On the business front, this website may be terminated. Homestead has tripled my rates since the first year I signed up, and I’m not getting any new features or services. I wrote them in protest but they didn’t seem to give a crap. I have to make my decision by the second week in July, and I’m very much up in the air about it. Newcomers to the weight loss scene tell me they still find success in my journals. (I can only imagine they haven’t read all the way through yet. Ha ha!) And others write me and tell me it gives them hope that I just keep going and never give up, and that I haven’t gained any of my original weight back. Me? Well, the last year of my journal has been incredibly exposing and kind of scary for me. I’ve never been so open with my dark thoughts before. Originally, I had so much to say about weight loss and the journey. But now I sort of drift in and out of other subjects that I’m not even sure are appropriate. Another part of the difficulty in this decision, is that I’ve appreciated the feedback from normal, everyday people on a regular basis. I think it helps keep me sane. (sort of) This is a support system that has proven to be helpful to me and I hate to lose it. Plus, there is an inkling part of me (way down deep) that thinks I’m going to turn around and start losing more weight and eventually reach my goal. And I would just LOVE to share that with you guys when it happens!! Anyway, I’ll think on it. In the meantime if you can recommend any free (or low cost) diary services e-mail me. 2:57 p.m. - 6/20/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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