madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6/20/03 Some asshole just left me a nice message in my guestbook that something to the affect of, �You�re seriously depressed. Get help.� I read that and thought, �No shit, Sherlock! Thanks for pointing out what I already know. No, really, God Bless you for opening up my whole perception of reality!?! Where the hell have you been all my life? Darn, if only you�d come and pointed out the obvious years ago, I�d be the self-actualized person today that I always wanted to be�if only�*sniff *sniff�. Damn I hate that kind of shit. It�s like first of all � have the guts to sign your name and leave your contact information when you leave a bitchy or snotty comment in my book. You never know � you might actually enlighten me, or I you. And second of all, have enough brains to realize that pointing out the obvious (i.e. telling a depressed person that they are depressed & they should �get help�) isn�t helpful in the least. I�m sure the point of their post was to be a critically judgmental ass-wipe anyway, but still!! I can�t tell you how many times in my life people pointed out the fact that I was fat to me. Did it make me jump up and go on a diet � HELL NO!! If anything, it just fed the negativity that I was already feeling. Whatever, I�m more floored than anything at the lack of brain cells in the general population� Okay � onto real life stuff. My last post was obviously really intense, and reeking of grief and sadness. I got some intelligent responses with real, actual attempts at helping me find the silver lining. Thanks to those of you who wrote me with that. There�s no denying that I�ve had a total shit year and it gets me down from time to time. I have my bad days; I have my good days just like anyone else. But more that the individual events themselves that comprised this SHITHOLE of a year, it�s the culmination of all of those things that has really plagued me. I know its time for me to let go, to move on, to get better and make new, happier memories. Sometimes the knowledge of what a person needs to do doesn�t always make it real. I�m not sure what�s going to make it real yet, but I�m working on it. In the meantime, I haven�t exercised since I�ve been sick which has been a bummer, because I was on a roll! But, up until about 2 days ago, I was still hacking and coughing and lightheaded just walking up the stairs to my apartment. So to be fair, I haven�t really been well enough to do much. I have done little, tiny exercise-like things. For instance, did I tell you I got a new bike this last weekend? It is sooo cool! Here�s a link with a picture of it. http://www.trekbikes.com/bikes/2003/citybike/navigator200.jsp I went to a bike shop that does financing, so I�m paying for it over the course of 4 months but I got to take it home the same day. It was an early birthday present from my husband�.he�s so sweet! What amazed me when I got on this bike for the first time was the comfort level. Because all this time I�ve been riding my other bike, I was always in pain somewhere. Sharp pains shot through my forearms, my wrists, and I always had this low dull ache in my back. My butt really hurt and buying a new seat didn�t help a bit. I thought I was just too fat and it would go away if I lost more weight. But 5 minutes on my new bike and I knew I�d found �the one�. This bike fits me so well and it�s so comfy. After riding to the store in the morning, I didn�t want to stop. I felt like I could just keep going and going. As I pedaled past a guy waiting for the bus, he shouted, �NICE BIKE!!�. I grinned from ear to ear and said, �Thanks!� then I went *ding *ding on my bell and happily rode home. It felt great. And without a car, this bike is going to be my ticket to freedom. J It�s vacation time for me again, and I am truly feeling the excitement of getting away. My hubby and I are off to Wyoming to see the whole family and watch my baby brother get hitched. It should be fun. Tomorrow morning I�m getting a sassy new haircut for the trip. (the long, straggly look is really make me crazy) I am determined to use this time for some fun exercise things (like possibly hiking a bit) and generally de-stress. My only focus for the next 10 days is to just have fun and be happy and relax. This is just what I need � to get away, to gain some perspective, and to let myself have a good time. Hopefully I will return with a bit of sunshine in my personality and a renewed spring in my step. On the business front, this website may be terminated. Homestead has tripled my rates since the first year I signed up, and I�m not getting any new features or services. I wrote them in protest but they didn�t seem to give a crap. I have to make my decision by the second week in July, and I�m very much up in the air about it. Newcomers to the weight loss scene tell me they still find success in my journals. (I can only imagine they haven�t read all the way through yet. Ha ha!) And others write me and tell me it gives them hope that I just keep going and never give up, and that I haven�t gained any of my original weight back. Me? Well, the last year of my journal has been incredibly exposing and kind of scary for me. I�ve never been so open with my dark thoughts before. Originally, I had so much to say about weight loss and the journey. But now I sort of drift in and out of other subjects that I�m not even sure are appropriate. Another part of the difficulty in this decision, is that I�ve appreciated the feedback from normal, everyday people on a regular basis. I think it helps keep me sane. (sort of) This is a support system that has proven to be helpful to me and I hate to lose it. Plus, there is an inkling part of me (way down deep) that thinks I�m going to turn around and start losing more weight and eventually reach my goal. And I would just LOVE to share that with you guys when it happens!! Anyway, I�ll think on it. In the meantime if you can recommend any free (or low cost) diary services e-mail me. 2:57 p.m. - 6/20/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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