madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5/30/02 I�m back from Jury Duty, a fabulous Memorial Day party, a solid day of housecleaning, a relaxing night watching movies with my hubby and a horrible 24-hour period of bed-ridden back pain. My four day weekend was a roller coaster of ups and downs...and if you can believe it, I�m actually glad to be back to work. This back pain is starting to get out of control. It started back in July of last year, after I had lost about 50 pounds or so and its continued ever since. It has something to do with my boobs, and the way they�ve shifted on my body since I�ve lost weight. I�ve lost a lot of VOLUME in them (about 2 cup sizes, and 8 sizes in the band) and they look like an orange hanging on the end of a tubesock. Not pretty. But aside from how bad they look, they are causing some serious muscle stress in my back. I even bought the �Super-Duper-if this one doesn�t work nothing will� sports bra to control and support my chest during exercise. What a crock, they still bounce - and hurt, and my back still suffers. Anyway, I got some nice x-ray�s of my spine to rule out any type of spinal problem, and I go in to discuss possible breast reduction (and relocation) with my doctor. She said that some insurance companies will pay for this type of surgery, if its medically necessary. They�ll take off all the extra skin, lift up the breast to where it should be, and sew everything back together. But this, of course, is all down-the-road type stuff. I�m sure, according to my HMO, I�ll have to suffer and be in a lot more pain before they�ll approve any such surgery. Meanwhile...I�m missing work twice a month because of my stupid back, and I�m in some form of pain nearly every day. Its come to be something I�m learning to live with....as sick as that sounds. Onto other topics.... My weight. The Scale. Numbers. Exercise. Diet. Motivation. Guilt. Hunger. Fear. Body Image. Frustration. Energy. So many things to talk about, huh? I guess I could write a book on each one of these subjects. Currently though, I�m learning about perspective. Without weighing myself on the scale everyday, certain parts of my awareness has been heightened. I feel every little pinch or loosening in the waistband of my clothes. I often hear my �FULL� voice loud & clear in my head while I�m eating my dinner. (Whether or not I listen to it is a different story altogether...) I experience dramatic mood-swings depending on the type of food I eat, and how much. (I don�t remember ever noticing this quite as sharply as I have the past few weeks.) And I�m discovering that my self-confidence is directly related to whether or not I�ve accomplished my exercise for the day. Yet at the same time, I also seem to be de-sensitized about certain things. I�ve completely rid my head of the counting of numbers. You know, the whole subtracting calories burned for X amount of exercise, adding calories for that mayo, totaling fat grams...blah blah blah. I quit (consciously) thinking about portions, I quit thinking about the types of food I eat. Sometimes I�ve said to myself, �Fuck oatmeal, fuck whole-grain bread and chicken breasts and vegetables. I�m eating a lowfat ice cream & diet coke float for breakfast, a slice of pizza for lunch, and a Mexican dinner with all the trimmings�. Other times I�ve actually craved veggies, and consciously elected to have a vegetarian stir fry for dinner with plain rice. But either way - I�ve been eating exactly whatever I want for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past 15 days. And it�s been a relief........sort of. I say sort of, because of course its still there in the back of my mind. Those numbers, all the counting, the awareness of what I should/shouldn�t be consuming...its all still there, lying dormant for a time when I�m ready to face them again. Nothing has truly disappeared, nor have I truly forgotten about the importance of those things. And I know that a total disregard for all that is healthy will eventually bring me back to my former <375lb> self. But taking a break from all this has given me perspective....something I desperately needed. From this perspective, I�ve noticed that WHAT I eat is far less important than WHY. I�ve been tossing around in the back of my head possibly getting some counseling. Giving myself permission to eat whatever/whenever has definitely brought clarity (if there ever was any confusion) to the fact that I don�t always eat because I�m hungry, and I often eat because I�m sad, happy, angry, or bored. Now I realize this isn�t a big, new epiphany. Obviously I�ve noticed this about myself before. But I actually thought I had a handle on it after a year of strict dieting! Silly me...Ha ha.... It�s a laugh! I DO NOT have a handle on it AT ALL!! At best, I�ve been merely �appearing� to have a handle on it....when in fact it was all a big facade!! A-hem. Talking with a friend this morning, I came to realize how unfair this whole dieting thing is. You know - that�s probably what�s driving me the most crazy....the unfairness of it all!! Because you see, as long as I exercise regularly, I can eat a goodly amount (at least 2300 calories) and remain 263lbs. But in order for me to get lower than that - say 260 or 259 - I have to cut back my daily calories to 1600 or so and increase my exercise. If I keep this up for a couple of weeks, I can drop a pound or two. Yet within a couple of days of indulging, I go right back to 263lbs. Its Just Not Fair!! :( I know, I know, who said life was fair? What my friend helped me realized that the question isn�t whether or not I want to be thin. Instead, the question is *at what sacrifice* do I want to be thin? Because obviously I want to weigh less, be healthier, and look smaller - or I wouldn�t have started this journey! And I don�t think that 263 should be my stopping place either. Yet I continue to stay here. I revisit 263lbs the way that some people see the same park on their walk to work every morning. Its just there - I own it - it�s a part of me that I can�t seem to run from. Or is it that I�m just not willing to *sacrifice* enough? There have been moments in the past 5 months, that I felt desperate enough to do something drastic to get thinner. I took pills (albeit Herbalife) - something I vowed never to do. And truthfully, had it not made me feel scared when I heard my heart beating wildly in my chest, I might�ve considered taking them for a time. But I wasn�t willing to *sacrifice* a heart attack or stroke to lose weight. I tried fasting. Granted, it was only for a 24-hour period. However, I assure you, if I had more willpower I would continue to fast off & on until I could reach my goal. But I don�t have that willpower. I need to eat, and I wasn�t willing to *sacrifice* food in order to reach my goal. I tried being an exercise freak....you know...I did cardio in the morning, completed a brisk walk at lunch, and finalized my day with a weight-lifting routine. Two weeks into this, I found myself exhausted and angry when the scale didn�t budge but a single pound. All this exercise was consuming my energy, and I wasn�t willing to *sacrifice* all that energy in order to reach my goal. On top of these things, I know I�m not willing to experiment with bulimia, have liposuction, or go on any type of a liquid diet. So through trial and error, I�ve come to realize the things I�m not willing to *sacrifice* in order to be thin. And there is one thing I haven�t tried in awhile, and that�s cutting back my calories to 1200 calories a day. I�ve never wanted to resort to that. I just don�t think I should have to. I mean, I plug my info into these Body Calculators (you know - the ones that tell you how much you should eat to both lose and maintain your weight?) and it says I can eat 2,150 calories a day to LOSE TWO POUNDS A WEEK! It also says I can eat 2,600 calories to maintain my weight. These two facts make me absolutely freakin crazy....because they are soooo NOT TRUE!!! 2:14 p.m. - 5/30/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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