madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5/23/02 I�ll be honest and let you know that I stepped on the scale today - after I said I wasn�t going to. I�ve been pretty much eating whatever (and whenever) I wanted for the last two weeks. Keep in mind that I haven�t been binging until I�m sick or anything, I�ve just been eating what I wanted until I�m full. My body thanks me by dutifully going right back up to ye old 263lbs. 263lbs. What a magic number for me, this 263. It makes me wonder about �set-points�, and whether or not they are real and valid. I�ve read about them on the Internet, but never heard an actual doctor admit that they are real. However, it seems I really have to abnormally restrict my calories in order to lose a few pounds, and yet I easily slide back up to 263 at the drop of a hat. Maybe its just my perception of things... as �restricting� is certainly much more difficult and unpleasant than �eating whatever I want.� Duh. I realize that the message from all of you wasn�t, �Eat whatever you want.� but it was �give yourself a break�. So I�ve been doing that. Its been an interesting experience for sure...ESPECIALLY psychologically. For the past two weeks, I�ve only ate to the point of being sickly-full twice.... but mostly I�ve surprised myself by still eating fruit, whole grains, and veggies. That kind of shocked the heck out of me actually. Since I�ve given myself the freedom to eat whatever I wanted, I would�ve thought that I�d choose pizza, fast food, and chocolate everyday instead. Maybe this means I�ve made some Exercise-wise, though, I�ve stuck pretty hard and fast to that. I mapped out my daily exercise for May 15th thru June 15th. (anal retentive, I know...) So far I�ve stuck to it with the exception of one day when I was feeling particularly lazy. (Probably because I didn�t eat very well that day, and was tired from it..funny how that works.) Sundays are my �long-walk� training day...and I�m looking forward to a relaxing 4-mile jaunt this weekend. Saturdays are my step aerobics class plus anything �outside� I�d like to do. (i.e. play tennis or whatever) Once a week I do Kathy Smiths �Lift weights to lose weight� tape - upper and lower body. (WHAT A KILLER btw...I hurt for 2 days after that) Friday�s are my �walking w/Anne date� and we usually try to walk for an hour or so before work - somewhere around the city. The other two days are simply listed as �cardio� and its my choice what I feel like doing that day. So far, this schedule seems to be working out really good, as I get varied workouts - but enough walking to train for the 10K. Anyway, I�m not crushed about 263 like I�d thought I�d be. I mean - there is a different expectation when you step on the scale and you haven�t been killing yourself to lose weight. I knew that I�d probably be up - I was prepared to be up a few pounds. And I was up. Its different than all the times I�d eat perfect, exercise hard, and step on the scale & stay the same. Besides, that number keeps turning up like an old penny to me, and I�m starting to get used to it. Don�t get me wrong...there are days when I feel totally stuck, completely lost, and utterly disappointed about the way things have turned out this year. After all, this new �staying the same� game is a far cry from the exciting world of dropping two pounds a week. In fact, there is no thrill in it, there are very few �highs� and the �lows� seem to get lower and lower and come more often. But the truth is that I didn�t go spiraling into a deep depression over that number - 263lbs - when I saw it this morning. It was just a number, it was just there. I own that number. When I �officially� weigh in on June 17th, after I�ve dutifully trained and completed my 10K, then I can fret about 263lbs if I still want to. But until then I just don�t care to worry about it. In all honesty, I�ll probably keep a closer eye on my portions this upcoming week though...just so I never have to see 264 again - because then I really would FREAK-THE-FUCK-OUT!! On another note - I feel so happy for some much needed time off this weekend. I used 8 hours of my coveted, precious vacation time and took tomorrow off. This combined with Memorial Day, and I�m staring down the barrel of a 4-day weekend folks....my first time off since December. I�m hosting a party, I�m seeing friends, I�m going to check out Star Wars with my hubby, I�m cooking some food, I�m lounging around, I�m playing tennis (or pretending to)... I�m extremely thankful for this time to relax and de-stress. Hope you all have a good weekend. I have Grand Jury Duty on Tuesday - so unless I go and make some severe racial slurs or claim that I think I�m God or something to get out of serving....I don�t know when I�ll return!! Take care. 2:14 p.m. - 5/23/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||