madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5/23/03 I felt like rubbing my eyes when I got on the scale this morning I saw a number I haven�t seen in years. Yes, years. And, no, it wasn�t a low number. That number was 271 pounds. You can all fall over now. Seeing this number confirms what I thought all along, I only maintained my weight last year because I lost significant muscle tissue. You see, when I was in the hospital eating nothing for weeks on end, my body was using precious muscle tissue for fuel. Although I have no idea why, considering the plethora of fat stores I have� But yes, my muscle was being wasted away. And then after my surgery I didn�t exercise for months. I called it �recovery�. And then, just when I did start exercising again in late October, I got GERD and spent another 5 months sporadically exercising but mostly being miserable and lying around in bed. I wondered how it was that I was maintaining during this time, considering I was consuming a considerable amount of calories. I thought perhaps this was just what maintaining was like. I mean, please, I�m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth!! Well, plus, you can�t discount being sick for literally a year. That�s bound to make a person drop a few pounds. This brings me to the current situation. I�ve been exercising faithfully 6 days a week for 2 months now. More importantly, I started weight training (seriously) about 6 weeks ago. In the past six weeks, I�ve gained 8 pounds. In the past 10 weeks, I�ve gained 10 pounds total. So you�re thinking �Those pounds are all muscle weight so don�t worry about it.� Well, that�s partly true. What the weight training has done is escalate how quickly the numbers go up. I've never seen the scale jump like this before - so drastically! But, the telling tale is that all my pants are now too tight. Since I quit wearing stretch pants, it�s now painfully obvious when I get bigger. I�ve also taken my measurements and I�m up 4 inches in the hips from 10 weeks ago, and my waist is up 3 inches. My face has returned to a fullness I haven�t seen in so long, it shocked me when I looked in the mirror last week. I�m missing part of my cheekbones and my collarbone has all but disappeared. It doesn�t take a brain surgeon to figure out that I�m getting heavier, bigger and yes � fatter for the first time since I started this program. This weekend I pulled out my �summer clothes� box and I couldn�t fit into a single dress I�d bought last summer. It sucked. It was a very harsh reality check. I knew this was coming. I�ve been eating pretty much out of control especially sugar and bread and rich foods ever since I started feeling better 10 weeks ago. I knew I was going to eventually gain weight but I had hoped the exercise would keep those pounds at bay. I�ve cried about it. Last week was a really bad week for me. I went to bed most nights totally stuffed and sick and pouting. Every morning I woke up and did a vigorous exercise routine determined to somehow negate all the food I ate the night before. I was so depressed I had trouble getting out of bed, dressing�the typical stuff. But you know, this morning when I got on the scale and it was up again (from just earlier this week) I did not start bawling my eyes out. I did not rant and rave to my husband or call my mom and whine about how hard it is to lose weight. I did not immediately drive to the coffee shop and get a scone and a latte and stuff my face because I felt powerless to stop. I didn�t do any of those things. Instead, got this closed-mouth resolve. I feel like I�ve been through the steps of coming to terms with great loss. You know the steps I�m talking about. (anger, denial, grief, etc.) Anyway, somewhere in there is resolve and I think perhaps I�ve reached that place. Like I know my weight training is making the scales drastically go up, but I'm not going to quit doing it. I�m resolved to do this weight training because I think in the long run it will help me burn calories and maintain my goal weight. I do have to cut back my calories...there's no more getting around it. I�m resolved that this is something I can no longer deny. I�m resolved that I will make it as easy on myself as possible, that I will reward myself, that I will push myself but not harder than I can go. As far as the rest - I'm exercising 6 days a week, drinking my water, taking my vitamins and writing everything I put into my mouth down. I've even managed to refrain from eating in the middle of the night 3 days this week....hey - its better than nothing! I have faith that I will stop alltogether once I get my calories under control and I start dropping the pounds. I don't want to ruin my efforts. So...that's it. Resolve. I'm resolved to do this no matter what. I'm resolved to lower my calories. I'm resolved to keep doing the good things I'm already doing. I'm resolved to get back down my jeans and feel comfortable in my own skin again. 2:55 p.m. - 5/23/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||