madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/1/02 I finally broke down and updated my weight chart, much to my dismay. I recorded 5 weeks worth of weigh-ins, and it was soooo disappointing. In black and white, it proves that I have only lost 2 pounds since January 1st of this year. And although, because of my recent alcohol induced epiphany, my head recognizes that all the healthy choices I�ve made for myself since January have been good ones....my heart still feels a terrible ache when I look at the numbers. I took my measurements on March 10th, and again last night. No loss there. But listen here - I am convinced I�m getting smaller and I�ll tell you why. I went into Savvy Plus, a used-consignment store for full-figured woman, and I fit into a size 26 dress that was non-stretchy fabric. I tried a similar dress (same fabric, same company, same size) on in December, and couldn�t get it down over my hips. I also bought a generous cut 1X shirt on Saturday. I own the same shirt from the same company in a different color, and it�s a size 4X. Its one of the few shirts I�ve kept from my �fatter� days. So, needless to say, when I could fit into the 1X, I was thrilled about this! Is this possible, for your measurements and weight to stay the same, but still be getting smaller? Is it all in my head? Please - anyone with advice - write me on this. I�m starting to feel like maybe I�m living in denial or something. Since denial is something I�ve lived with before, I�m no stranger to it. For instance, when I was huge - 375 pounds huge - I seldom felt that big. Oh, I mean, I knew I was fat - of course. But it wasn�t until I caught someone staring at me, or a child pointing, or I found myself in a room without a single chair I could sit in - it was only then I was momentarily reminded of the harsh realities. But most of the time I kept myself comfortably wrapped in a cocoon of denial, and numbed by food. And I�m totally freaked I�m doing that again.... ( !!! ) Now, as much as I hate to put this on paper, here�s the stone-cold truth about things: *I am eating more calories than I did a year ago. (on average 350 more per day) *I am not as strict with the where those calories come from now vs. a year ago. (i.e. less fiber) *I am, on average, adding weight training and/or body conditioning to my workouts 3 days a week. *I am, on average, still exercising 6 days a week. *I am not 100% faithful in my food journaling, often skipping writing down what I eat on the weekends *I do not say �No� as often as I did last year at this time with regards to food choices. *I eat out more in restaurants than I did a year ago at this time. *I seldom feel hungry. Last year in March, I always felt hungry. *I�ve found myself occasionally eating when I�m not hungry, eating out of boredom or comfort. Whew! I hate saying these things aloud. It makes it obvious that I�m not as strict as I was a year ago. I�m just not sure where I found that intensity to be so strict. Desperation? Perhaps this is why I�m on a plateau?? Hmmm.... 1 + 1 = 2. Now, you see, why I�m scared to death that I�m really not getting smaller - that its all in my head!? What if I�ve psychologically found a loophole which allows myself to feel like I�m still making progress, even when I�m not!? What if, somewhere in the back of my mind, I�ve fabricated the clothes feeling looser, the sizes getting smaller, all the information which points to the fact that I�m still shrinking despite the scale, despite the measurements!?? What if I�m living in a warm, comfortable cocoon of denial again and I don�t even know it?? 2:04 p.m. - 4/1/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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