madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3/27/02 I think I had another epiphany this weekend.....either that or it was that Margarita on an empty stomach. But either way, I felt like I had a singular moment of clarity about my life. (BOO HISS you naysayers who say it was just the alcohol talking!! Alcohol is the perfect drug to knock out inhibitions, to unleash those suppressed thoughts and feelings.) I�ve been soooo afraid of not losing any more weight lately, that I�ve almost been paralyzed by this fear. These long days are turning into weeks, and have turned into months now. With April right around the corner, I came to realize that yet another month has gone by without any weight loss. I�m exercising daily. (even pushing myself to do some different things) I�m eating right, not perfect, but pretty darn good. Yes, this is the part where many people quit....and I can see why. Its dispiriting. Its daunting to think on how far I�ve get to go, yet here I sit - running in place, heart pounding. Its disappointing, as my efforts go unnoticed by my body, and my mind struggles to grapple with this stasis. In realizing all this, I felt a deep gnawing in the pit of my gut. (It could�ve been the tequila I guess.) But right there, sitting at a nice restaurant with my hubby, I started to worry. We were having lovely conversation, a casual cocktail, splurging a little in celebration of his employment.....and I had to think about this now and ruin it all. My hubby can see my face darken, the lines in my forehead wrinkle, my demeanor shift. He knows something is wrong. I grab my drink and suck it down, feeling the burn on my empty stomach. The light, fun evening suddenly tilts in another direction....down. Lately the worrying comes in waves. I think about my plateau, I dread, I fret, I stew, I frustrate... I bombard myself with questions on the how can this be, the why is this happening, the when will it end... Then, slowly, my anger will subside for a few days, settle, ease up into something I can live with for awhile. Then I am sane again. Until something triggers me to think on it - maybe trying on a dress that doesn�t fit, seeing another fat person, a craving for ice cream, a step on the scale, then I start thinking about it again. The cycle continues until I descend into my pain over this stagnation, until I mentally crumple up again. So there, when waiting for my dinner to arrive, the effects of the Margarita I just slammed caught up with me. Suddenly my head was swimming, my words bumped up against each other, my face flushed red and hot. Thomas said something like, �Um, honey - you�d better slow down.� when I announced I was thinking of having another cocktail. Then it happened - this alcohol-induced epiphany. My thoughts turned to my diet, my plateau, my exercise, the size of my clothes....I saw - with an intense lucidity - what a fool I�ve been. How could I have thought that the numbers on the scale would be my only measure of success or failure? I clucked at myself, and shook my head. It was crazy!? I was insane to think that all the exercise I�ve been doing, all the good choices I�ve made over the past two months - that they meant nothing! How silly, how wrong!! For an instant I marveled at my own stubbornness, my own unwillingness to believe I could still be moving forward even when the scale was standing still. I don�t know - it just came flooding into my consciousness, like a dam had broke. I realized the simple truth of it, before my usual pessimistic self could extinguish it or negate it somehow. And then I suddenly broke out in a loud, obnoxious laughter. Imagine a nervous laugh almost. This was a laugh with a sharp, bitter end to it and the trailing hint of sadness on the end. Then tears came to my eyes, and I gasped for breath. Thomas just stared at me in disbelief, told me to shush, people were staring. I tried to muffle the sound with my cusped hands. But I couldn�t. I was giggling, stifling that laugh which stemmed from my newfound clarity. The waitress came with our food, asked me if I wanted another drink - which I replied �No! I think I�ve had enough!�. I chuckled some more, and then answered Tom�s question on why I was laughing. �Well - I think I�ve just had an epiphany about my diet. Either that or it was the Margerita...� He laughed, shook his head, and listened as I explained further. �Tom - how could I be so stupid all this time? I�ve come so far, and even though I�m not losing weight right now I�m still exercising almost every day and eating right!? That counts for something! It HAS to count for something... I�ve just been so hard on myself lately.� He agreed and said he�d been telling me that all along...like all the other people in my life. But I just couldn�t believe that. And honestly, I�m not sure how I could suddenly believe that right now. But nonetheless, there it was - plain as day. Then the relief came. I can�t tell you how relieved I felt the rest of the night. And since then (its been almost a week) I�ve come to more of a peaceful mind about this plateau. I�ve recognized that I�m on this plateau for a reason. Perhaps I�m learning a lesson in patience, a trait I�ve never been very good at exhibiting. Perhaps it�s a lesson in boundaries... I know what I need to do, but what boundaries am I willing to cross? What price am I willing to pay to get smaller in size? Am I willing to cut my calories back to 1200? Am I willing to work out 7 days a week? Am I willing to cut out all carbs, all sugar, all processed foods? Hmmm.... This plateau has made me really think about what I want. I mean, there are some things I know for sure. I know I never want to see any higher number than 265 again - in my life. Its also a given that I never will quit seeking health. Its ingrained in me now, even on the days that I lie in bed and wish for another hour of sleep...(yet I get up and workout anyway) I know that I am a changed and aware woman, who can never go back to the torture/comfort of the old days, the �old� ways....that�s just not me anymore. But the question is really, am I willing to let 263 be my stopping point? Is that the number which holds the key to my happiness? Its impossible for me to believe this could be true, or right. But I wonder.... As these long days turn into months, and I�m doing all that I�m willing to do....is this it? Could I really be happy and at ease here - forever? The answer lies in how far I�m willing to go, what I�m willing to sacrifice, and how much energy I want to devote to this quest? I�m already working out about 8 hours a week. I�m eating a number of calories that I don�t feel incredibly deprived (about 1800 a day). On April 13th, I am joining a gym that offers many different fitness classes, so I�m hoping this will help �shake up� my exercise routine. But other than that, what more am I willing to do? I saw a nutritionist yesterday. She poured over my food diary, picked a typical day, and made some observations. The first thing she noticed, is that I eat half of my calories spread thinly over breakfast & lunch. Then in one sitting, at dinner, I eat the other half of my calories. The problem with this is that my metabolism is running full-swing for a couple hours in the morning, after I exercise. This So, that�s the plan until next week. Today�s my first day of eating this way - and so far I can�t believe how full and satisfied I feel. The true test will be when evening comes, and I eat a very small dinner, and I want sweets... But we�ll see. I think my body is very used to the same foods I�ve been eating, and the same exercise. I�ve started doing a lot of muscle toning exercises that I can literally If not, then its off to the bar for a whole slew of Margaritas!! 2:04 p.m. - 3/27/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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