madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3/17/02 You never know what you�ve until its gone.... This is a repeated theme in my life, a lesson which I never seem to fully learn. When my husband worked for a bar downtown 3 years ago, we used to bitch about the money he made. Most nights he�d bring home between $50-$70 bucks in tips, some nights he�d bring home $100 bucks. But still we bitched, how we couldn�t afford this, how we couldn�t buy that. Then he got layed off from that job when the owner decided he wanted to change the clientele, and therefore change the type of bartender. Suddenly, we really missed having the extra cash lying around for those things we thought we couldn�t afford. His second bartending job was total crap. Mostly cheap ass drunks would come in, day after day, buying the dollar PBR�s, leaving nothing for a tip. But, being thankful to have a job at all seemed to be the mantra, and so I kept repeating it to myself. Time passed. I hated that little bar. On top of his measly wage, most nights he�d bring home between $10-$20 bucks, some nights he�d bring home $2 dollars. We missed the old job, the old money, but made do with his meager earnings. We made do, that is, until he was laid off two weeks ago. And so the cycle continues... I can�t say I�m happy about it. I can�t say I�m sad. I�m just sort of relieved and melancholy about it, all at the same time. I wonder when we will ever be able to get ahead, to get out from under this hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck sort of living? I�m doing all I can do, at a steady job that pays me more than some people with college degrees get paid. I�ve been allowed to continue my husband�s insurance through my insurance here at work....something that will cost us a fortune, but a bit less than COBRA. I�m punching the timecard - regardless of how little respect I get here, or how much I wish I could have a job which utilized my creativity. And now, being responsible once again for my husband�s health care, I know I have to stay here - no matter what. I think this is the part of the vows, �For richer for poorer, for better or worse� come into play. Only I never took those vows. We aren�t married, really. But 10 � years of loyalty and commitment and compromise and love binds us together as if we were. Sometimes the burden of that commitment is overwhelming, and I long for the solitude and freedom that being single would provide. And other times its so easy and right that I wonder if other people experience the depth of singularity that comes with being so profoundly connected to another human being? I shudder at the thought of being alone... 1:57 p.m. - 3/17/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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