madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3/13/02 Attention to whomever wrote this in my guest book today: �For some reason I do not believe you in your statement "I've never asked to be her." When referring to the picture on the newest entry. I can't remember the last entry you've had telling us any of the other aspects of your health. You already know them... resting heart rate, measurements etc. I'm sure some may find this terrible to say but... your life problems will continue to come, but in different forms. There are some people who have it better than you & those who have it worse than you do. Make the best of each day, since you never know if it maybe your last.� I really wish you�d left your name and/or e-mail address, because for one - I�m not sure what the statement �I can't remember the last entry you've had telling us any of the other aspects of your health.� means. What other aspects are you referring to? Are you saying that you can�t remember the last time I spoke about the positive aspects of my weight loss? Or that I know what those aspects are, yet I choose to look at the negative aspects? Please drop me a line and explain...I�m intrigued and frankly I value your comment and want you to further explain... There was something that struck me as very truthful about what this person said. Yes, there are some people who have it better than me, and those who have it worse. And yes, my life problems will continue to come, but in different forms. I must agree this is true. I don�t think I�ve ever had the illusion that all my problems would disappear magically if I lost weight. You know some people think they are going to be Pamela Anderson when they shed those extra pounds...but I�ve never believed in that. After losing about 50 pounds, I came to the realization that I have basically ruined my body, and it will never be the same. I never thought I�d suddenly be rich, or powerful, or free from the burdens of daily drudgery of a job I don�t love if I lost weight. I never assumed I�d suddenly become stunningly beautiful, or be able to suddenly grow long, slender fingernails, or be good at sports. I�ve never been able to do or be any of those things, even when I was thinner. But you know, there was a little �chink� in my armor. I stoically believed that some things would change, and some wouldn�t, but I was surprised when I felt my depression lift as a result of my new lifestyle. It happened almost in the first month when I changed my diet and started exercising. I woke up in the morning, fresh and new. I went through my day diligently with a purpose and filled with hope that I finally had control. My hubby often referred to me akin to a �Jesus convert� because of my enthusiasm and my willingness to talk to others about my new lifestyle. And looking in the mirror, seeing the numbers fall on the scale, giving away old clothes that were too big - they were all affirmations to me that I was winning! Not just winning over my obesity, but winning over my depression too! I thought, for the first time in my life, my depression was gone, never to be heard from again. But I was wrong. Depression�s hands have shaped me into who I am today. I was a fool to believe I could escape so quickly, unscathed. I should�ve known better. The past two months, I�ve been battling this sadness. Part of it has to do with the sudden slowing of my weight loss. I am a perfectionist, and often equate my weight loss with victory, my plateau with failure. I�ve spent so many nights making myself crazy with teeming thoughts of �How can I do better? Where have I gone wrong? What can I change?� and with beating-myself-up-thoughts, �Heather you�re ruined, you�re a Charlatan. You can�t even pull it together anymore. You had a good run, just throw in the towel now and quit while you�re ahead.� But part of it has nothing to do with my weight loss, its just my depression coming back to me, like an old, unwanted friend standing on my doorstep - one that I cannot turn away. My depression is two-faced. Sometimes, its a little yappy dog, nipping at my heels, tugging on my pantleg, begging me to succumb. I can usually just ignore it - stay one step ahead. But if I trip and fall, my depression becomes a shadow that fills in the cracks in my armour, seeps into the crevices of my soul, overwhelming me. And before I even realize what�s happened, my world turns dark, the days span in front of one another like the freeway after an accident. I turn into this numb, fearful, black creature unable to let in any love, and completely powerless to give it. Today, I know I�m approaching a crossroads of sorts, in my mind. When I got up this morning, I thought to myself, �Okay - are you going to have another miserable day? Or are you soooo sick of this stagnation, that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing?� Because isn�t that what this all boils down to? That the pain of remaining the same is GREATER THAN the pain of changing? This is a concept I embraced near the beginning of my journey. When I weighed 375, there was no question that it was more painful to stay at 375, than doing the work it would take to get me down to a normal weight. The only thing that�s different now are the numbers. And its obvious that the numbers are causing me great pain. So I ask myself, what�s the answer? What do I really want for myself? How long am I going to torture myself? This is what I know; 1. This weight isn�t going to come off with me sitting around stewing about it. I�ve got to take action! 2. My calories are too high to promote good fat loss. 3. My measurements are more important than the pounds on the scale. 4. I can�t stay this size and be truly content with my physical body. 5. My life depends my health....literally. 6. I know I can do it. 7. I will never give up. And so, I must allow myself to move forward. I�ve got to clear some of the clutter from my life. I think a garage-sale is in order. I need to organize my home so I have room to paint, so I feel comfortable doing it in that space. I need to re-think my weight loss goals, and decide what�s important and what I need to kick to the curb. I am going to take actions towards happiness. I�m going to be positive about my husband�s situation, and be thankful that we have each other. I�m going to focus, but I�m not going to obsess. I�m going to accept Spring as a sign of re-birth, and new life for all living things - myself included. 1:56 p.m. - 3/13/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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