madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/7/03 The past 2 � weeks have been a blur of sugar comas and fat induced stomach aches . As my GERD has come under control and I�ve felt better, my appetite has returned with a vengeance. And shamefully, I have given in to every single craving that�s plagued me since November. Yep, I�m destined to make myself miserable one way or another�I�m become some sort of expert in this maligned area. (something I�m working on in therapy right now) I wanted chocolate - I ate TONS chocolate. I wanted coffee � I had a double short nonfat latte. (Well, I actually only did that twice until the pain of it changed my mind) I wanted pizza � I ate pizza. I managed to put away 7 pieces of pie in a week�s time, and most of those were with a dollop of ice cream. (it was light ice cream, but still!) Its been one indulgence after another leading to stomach aches and acid reflux and even a few days of me laying on the bed holding my tummy and moaning, �Why did I do this to myself?� Luckily I have the Catholics version of confession so I can be absolved of my sins. (ha ha) Tom and I do this little confession thing in which each of us tells the other about how good or bad we were in our diets. Although truthfully, he seldom confesses to me�usually I am confessing to him that I stayed perfectly on target or that I totally screwed up. Then he says something like, �Well � it could�ve been worse. Remember how much you used to eat?� or if I�d stayed perfectly on my diet he�d congratulate me with hugs & face kisses. So Tuesday I called him on the phone for my evening confession. I went down the list of my menu for the day starting with breakfast (pear fig pie and ice cream) my snack (cheese doodles) my lunch (pop tart, candy bar & soda) my dinner (asparagus with leek & cheese sauce, a slice of pizza and an ice cream bar). I waited for him to absolve me of my wrongdoings and all I got in return was a gasp. �MOUSE!!� he gasped. I guess the extent of my binge stunned even him. �You better get yourself under control honey�you�re making yourself miserable.� I did my usual, �I know, I know�. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone feeling lower than low. I put my head on the pillow, pulled the covers to my chin and thought about it all. Why did I have to punish myself by stuffing food down me until I was numb, weepy and depressed? I truly want to change my relationship with food, but how? How does a person begin? I finally fell asleep wondering if tomorrow would be any different. So today is the tomorrow of yesterday, and are things different? Well, something I realized in counseling last night is that I really wasn�t very nice to myself when I lost the first 100 pounds. Its quite astonishing to me to uncover this, as I see that time as a happy, empowering, taking the bull by the horn period. But in breaking it down and examining my self-talk and some of my actions � no, I wasn�t very nice to myself at all. Oh, sure, it worked for a time�it served its purpose. Being so strict and exacting resulted in this grandiose weight loss that boosted my confidence and dropped my dress size. And as long as I got the results I expected, it was all worth it. But in retrospect, it was like working a job I hated but that paid lavishly. Every day I�d drag myself to work, cursing and pushing myself to do more and perform better and exceed even my own expectations. And the prize for all this effort was the gigantic check at the end of the week and a pat on the back from the boss. It made it all worth it. But imagine if the checks got smaller and smaller until they dwindled down to pennies. How long could a person keep up that level of intensity without the adequate return for their investment? That�s how this weight loss journey has been for me. I�m torn because I want to do what has worked in the past for me. I know that beating myself up and deprivation and self-flagellation will eventually lead me to more weight loss. But there�s a part of my soul that can�t deal with that anymore. It isn�t healthy. And because the weight loss is so slow, and I�m no longer getting that 2-pounds-a-week reward for my efforts, its unlikely that I�ll be willing to put myself through that kind of hell again for very long. In fact I know it won�t work anymore, which is why I�ve been on this year cycle of binging and fasting. Instead, I�ve got to somehow change my perceptions about �dieting� and weight loss. It has to become second nature and comfortable and easy and it must be free from obsession. I want to feel compelled to eat healthy and exercise, not forced or backed into a corner. I don�t know how to change these thought patterns but I must believe that it can happen, just as all things are possible. 2:51 p.m. - 2/7/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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