madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/5/02 BE WARNED - this is not a �good feeling� entry and has almost nothing to do with weight loss. I feel weird today. Its probably not a good day to update, considering the way I feel. But hell, this is about the only place I have to get my feelings out there. My husband�s health is declining... A couple of years ago, I couldn�t keep up with him. Not because he was in such fantastic health, but because I was in such poor shape. I was the turtle, he was the rabbit, and we were forever in the race. We lived 2 blocks from a grocery store....and I always DROVE there. And whenever Thomas tried to get me to walk, I�d throw a fucking tantrum and drive off in the car and he�d trot off on foot. I was like, �I�m not WALKING 2 blocks in the rain and carrying back a gallon of milk! Why would I walk when I can DRIVE??� It just didn�t make any sense to me then. We�d go to the mall and I�d circle and circle until I could park as close to Lane Bryant as possible. Thomas would ask if we could walk around and check out a few stores, and just browse. My answer? Absolutely NOT! Godforbid I would have to walk any farther than needed! I�d plop my butt down on a bench (with a slice of pizza) in the food court and wait for him while he did his shopping. He never complained about it. Not even once. The story is the same for most everything we did together - just the names and places changed. And only once, in 10 years, did Thomas ever make any comment about my weight. He was angry - we�d both been fighting over something stupid. He said, �If your fat-ass could fit in a booth we might be able to do things more spontaneously!� I just stood there, stunned. When he saw the look on my face, he immediately apologized. Aside from this, I don�t think he ever chastised me for being fat. He was always encouraging though. Whenever I�d start one of my new exercise ventures he was right there, being a cheerleader on the side lines. Granted, none of them ever stuck for long. Water aerobics was fun, but I�d just go home and eat a gigantic lunch - now justified because of my 45 minutes of activity. (Not that I had to justify it before...but) I tried walking for awhile. But, like many exercisers, I tried to do too much too fast. A couple of days after my first 30 minute walk - I gave up. My aching back, throbbing feet and cramping calves were proof that this couldn�t be good for me. Besides, I wasn�t getting my daily 2 hour t.v.-watching festival in. This past year, this year of transformation, I�ve surpassed the turtle. I am the rabbit in our relationship now. I beg him to take the stairs instead of the elevator. I�m out of the car and inside the apartment before he swings his car door shut. In the grocery store - I run around from isle to isle doing all of the grocery shopping, while he sits in the snack isle for 10 minutes, deciding which kind of Cheetos to buy. I�m like that advertisements for the army - �getting more done by 8am than most people do all day.� I breeze up the hill from the coffee shop, and wait for him at the top while he huffs & puffs his way up. We rode bikes together last weekend, for about half a mile - and Thomas was breathing like he ran a marathon. I wasn�t even breathing heavy & he was completely beat. Listening to him breathe like that, I felt really scared. It freaked me out, and I think he could tell by the look on my face, that I was afraid. But he didn�t say anything. Neither did I. More bad news from his doctor today. His triglycerides were 900 something. Average is between 250-300. His Diabetic exchange diet has now become the diet from hell. He has some of the symptoms of chronic pancreatitis. This means no dairy products - none - not even fat free dairy. This also means NO fat of any kind except fish oil taken in capsule form. Thomas is totally flipped out by this. His doc basically said, �Either do this diet - or prepare for a long, slow, and incredibly painful death.� (Something that he�s heard two other times, from another doctor. Maybe this time it will sink in.) His diabetes still isn�t under control and his new insurance doesn�t cover half the meds he�s taking. We�re looking at spending hundreds of dollars a month for his meds now. I pray that nothing happens to him. Both because I can�t stand to see him in pain, and because the expense alone will be something we�ll probably never recover from. FUCK!! I�m so fucking pissed. I can�t stand this. I have no one to talk to. What can people say anyway? My friends can try and console me, but there are no answers. They aren�t the ones who are going to have to deal with him slowly deteriorating until he an invalid. They aren�t the ones who will be frighteningly alone when he finally dies. All they can say is, �I�m sorry. I�m here for you.� Which basically, right at this second, doesn�t mean shit to me. I am utterly alone to soak up the responsibility all by myself. This man is the love of my life - and I have to sit here and watch him degenerate! It especially seems so unfair, because I know he has the power to change. I was the turtle!!! I changed!! Anyone can - I�m not so special. It kills me the most is that I have absolutely no control over what he does, or what he chooses to do. Its totally up to him. In 6 years of being diagnosed with Diabetes, I�ve watched him apply the policy �Ignore it and it will go away�. It�s a mantra for him. He lives by this creed. Do I suddenly think that he�s going to change overnight? When will it get bad enough for him to change? When they cut off a foot? When he goes blind? When he has his first heart attack? Then, after saying all this, I am ashamed of myself for being so selfish. Read. I�m obviously concerned about how all this illness is going to affect MY life, when its obvious I should only care about one person - Thomas. But how can I care when he doesn�t even care about himself? 1:52 p.m. - 2/5/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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