madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12/10/01 My husband is feeling a bit better....his symptoms are from his kidney function, which is compromised. He�s leaking a lot of protein into his urine. His fever is from infection somewhere in the body - the doc isn�t sure where, exactly. The big news, is that he has to go on insulin now, something he�s been dreading since the day he was diagnosed with Diabetes. I remember when he told me that he would �kill himself first� before going on injectable insulin. Yet I knew when that day came, he would accept it and move on, un-affected...the way he deals with everything. I feel like he�s rounded the top of the mountain, and he�s headed down....to the dark side. Here we go together - wee! He�s also gained so much weight in the past 6 months, his pants aren�t fitting, his belt is moved another notch, and he�s very uncomfortable. He�s basically stayed the same weight for about 20 years, so this is very new to him. But I know that feeling well. I know how it feels the day that I went to slip into my favorite jeans and they just wouldn�t zip - even lying on my back using a pair of plyers! Or the day I tried to squeeze into a restaurant booth and literally sent all the water and silverware on the table flying and knocked the table to one side....while everyone in the whole place watched. My poor hubby, I know he wants to make changes. This is the first time in his life he�s really gained a lot of weight. I can only hope he finds the strength to take the first few, difficult steps. So, the numbers on the scale didn�t move - at all. I�ve seen the numbers as low as 269lbs, and as high as 272lbs over the course of the last 7 days. And although I put a lot of energy into exercising this week, I really consumed to many calories. I haven�t eaten a lot of crap this week - despite an office parties and a holiday potluck. I�ve made fairly healthy choices and I haven�t been eating a lot of junk food. I�ve taken my vitamins and consumed 100oz of water every day. But that�s the bottom line ...calories are calories...even if they come from broccoli or bananas. And I�ve eaten too many of them this week. So here I am - the same as last Monday. People around me think I�m asking too much of myself, to lose weight during the holidays. But dammit, Thanksgiving is only one day, and Christmas is only one day, and there is no reason not to continue on my path the other 59 days!! Right? I don�t think most people understand where I�m coming from anyway. I�m on a quest! And every day that I allow myself to overeat, is another day I am further from my goal. Part of me can�t wait until I return home from Wyoming, and I start my Body for Life Challenge. I need structure right now very badly. I also need a treadmill. Any of you Body for Lifers have advice on how to perform the 20-min aerobic �high point� training without a treadmill or stationary bike or gym membership? Because I think walking outside is my only option here. I could use any suggestions you might have. My goal this week is very specific. I�m not going to eat in the middle of the night - not once. Not one single solitary time. Period, end of story. I don�t think its good for me, and I feel guilty and bad about it. So I�m just going to stop it, starting tonight. I would also say I�m going to try and stay within my 1500 calories the next week, but I�m tired of empty promises to myself about this. There is something in Bill Phillips BFL book about this topic. He reiterates how important it is to honor your self-promises, that to not keep the promises we make to ourselves is akin to lying. And how can we trust someone that lies? I�m not being very eloquent today, but you get the picture. I�ve been thinking a lot about that lately....self-promises. I�ve made a lot of them that have been broken in the past two months. They leave a bad taste in my mouth, like eating moldy bread. Burping it up all day serves as a gentle reminder that you ate something rotten....just so you don�t forget & do something so foolish again. I feel that way about my self-promises sometimes. And so, my second goal for this week is to keep self-promises. If I say I�m going to do something, then I�m going to do it - discomfort and all. If I say I�m going to exercise tomorrow for 45 minutes, then that�s what I�m going to do. If I say I�m eating a chicken breast and salad for dinner - then I�m going to eat that, even if I don�t feel like cooking...even if the neighbors invite me over for pizza...even if I win a year�s supply of free tacos from Taco Del Mar....Tough, I�m eating my chicken breast & salad. If set a goal in my head to not eat anything sugary today, then I�m not going to eat anything with sugar in it. I�ve got to re-build my own trust My word is my word, and I expect others to trust me on it. I need to learn to trust myself again too.
1:09 p.m. - 12/10/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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