madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12/03/01 I dropped some weight this week....3 pounds to be exact! This brings my total to 105lbs lost...and I�m finally going to see the 260's for the first time in about 8 years. The 260's are a good number. The 260's mean that I�m not that far away from the 250's. Which makes the 225's and the 200's seem possible to me.... instead of a far away pipe dream that I can never achieve. I know, I know, I�m looking quite far ahead. But dammit~this is exactly what I need to do! I don�t want to dwell on the right now, I want to move forward! I want to dare to think about the 250's, the 240's, the 230's, 220's, the 210's....and even the 199's? Could it be possible? That�s just it - I know that anything is possible, I�ve just got to want it bad enough. Right now, I do want it bad enough. And after last month, I know I can even get really depressed and totally bottom out - and still go on to finish the journey. Now I know that these words, �this too shall pass� are truer than I ever dared to believe....and that they apply to me. Remember Friday, when I was talking about those �dents�? Well, a very kind reader wrote me to explain that she got those dents too, and they are a good thing. She said she started with those �dents� and the fat started melting away around them, and now she can see the shape of her real body. That made me feel better, like not such a freak. :) I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week again, a fact that I�m very proud of. Its been a long time since I�ve done this. That little voice in my head in the morning, (you know, the one telling me to stay in the soft, warm, comfy bed instead of exercising) has gotten a bit quieter again. And even when I�ve had a weak moment, going back to bed instead of getting up, my conscious wouldn�t let me go back to sleep! I�ve been going to bed on time and waking up without my alarm in the morning, feeling refreshed and completely void of real excuses for not exercising. Besides, the vision of getting on that airplane in three weeks has managed to get me in gear most mornings. I say to myself, in my head of course, �Alright Heather - do you want to lose XX pounds before you step on that plane?� (Because I know that even a few pounds makes a difference in my hip/stomach circumference.) Its usually at this point that I drag out my step, turn on my VCR, and get crackin. I think I�m going to start using that image to keep me under 1500 calories until December 21st too...I�ll start that today and see how it works. Maybe, if it proves effective, I can use that image to get me to clean the bathroom, run errands, vacuum the floor, or do my laundry as well. ...Okay, that might be pushing it a bit too far... Seriously though, I am still terrified at the thought of the airplane seat thing. I�m probably about 80-85 pounds smaller than I was the last time I flew, but I�m still a big big girl. And I�m going to intrude on other people�s space, and the tray isn�t going to go down all the way, and I�ll still need an embarrassing seat-belt extender, and I�m going to sweat and stress out and look like shit when I get off the plane...just in the nick of time for my parents to see me for the first time in 50 pounds.... Oh well. I�m being a freak, I know. But if you remember reading my airplane story (I�d link to it but I don�t have the time to go back and look for it right now) you�d understand why I never wanted to fly again. Christmas seemed so far away - and I thought I�d be like 120 pounds down by now.... I guess that was a bit of a big expectation. So now, with my vacation only 3 weeks away, I�m feeling a bit nervous about the flight, and I�m wishing I would�ve worked harder in November. I COULD�VE been 120 pounds down by now... Could�ve Should�ve Would�ve Oh well. I can�t change the past, now can I?
I could kill my co-worker today. She brought in homemade fudge today. I�ve already had a few nibbles, nothing serious. But its sooooo creamy and rich and sweet and chocolate-y that mind keeps drifting to the thought of it. And then my mind drifts to the thought of that plane seat.... and then back to the fudge....and then to the plane seat.... and so it goes. 1:08 p.m. - 12/03/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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