madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/27/01 I I�m feeling particularly retrospective today. Looking back, its been almost a full year now since I started making changes. This has been one of the longest, strangest trips I�ve ever been on....yet one of the most rewarding. Family and friends have crawled out of the woodwork to offer support, showering me with positive energy and kudos. I�ve watched as my own perceptions shift as I realize that I can actually make my seemingly impossible dreams come to fruition with hard work. I�ve discovered that I am a powerful being with a strong will and intense spirit that can manifest my beliefs into reality. That still amazes me every single day. It also amazes me that I don�t get to sit around and cry about being fat anymore, that I know better than that now. It amazes me that I no longer have the luxury NOT to think about what I put into my body, for I know that with every action there is a consequence. I�m baffled every time I walk into a restaurant and can fit between the booth and the table. I�m astonished when someone passing me on the sidewalk doesn�t squeeze to the far left to get by me anymore. I�m mystified by the way I can easily slip into chairs with arms, or go through a turnstile without breaking a sweat, or sit through a whole movie in the theater without excruciating back pain. And this morning, when I looked in my closet for something to wear, my eyes fell on my favorite green dress that I�ve been lugging around with me for 7 � years.....just �in case� I ever got thinner. So I took a chance and tried it on, and it fit perfectly....just the way I remembered. And that amazed me. When I started, a year ago, I recall eyeing that green dress and thinking, �I�ll be happy if I can just get down enough wear that dress again.� Well guess what, I am happy today. But I also know that this isn�t the end for me, its the beginning of the second leg of my journey. I know that I won�t be truly happy until I�m not limited by my weight in any way, until I�m free from the burden of obesity. Now, can I tell you something? Of all the things in my daily life that continue to amaze me, its my friends that continually push the envelope...exploding any boundaries of generosity I thought existed. This weekend, they threw me a �100-Pounds-Down� party to celebrate my loss. As if this weren�t enough, they rented the Alexander They hung up a sign that said, �H M ROCKS!� over the doorway, and beautiful balloons & a vase full of intoxicating flowers decorated the room. (I�ve been smelling those flowers all week...they�ve perfumed the whole office) Krystee gave me a gift certificate for two free massages (thank you woman!), Fawny (the mastermind of the whole affair) gifted me a book on uncovering my true self. They all got me a scrapbook filled with many kind and intensely beautiful words from Sean and Fawn, which brought me to tears....days after I read it the first time. Lunell drew me a piece of original artwork - a cute girl, Mighty Mader Mouse with a flute in one hand and a whisk in the other, and the words �She�s beautiful� and �She rocks in the kitchen� in little conversation bubbles off to the side. Mark researched the meaning of my last name, which literally means �Mower of the Heather�. Then he gave me a piece of artwork manipulated from different 8 photos to create a single photo of a Scottish woman in the mountains, using a scythe on some Heather flowers....acting out the literal meaning of my name! Amy my schoolteacher friend, and her significant other Shawn, appropriately gave me a handmade card with several windows that opened to reveal pictures and facts. One window opened up to a Portobelo mushroom and the words, �A 100 pounds of Portobelo mushrooms would cost $798 dollars!� Another window opened to unveil Amy standing with about 6 � feet of comic books stacked on a scale, and the words read �100 pounds of comic books!� Another window uncovered 100 dots, and yet another window opened to a picture of a pound cake... :) Jude gave me a book entitled, �Body for Life� by Bill Phillips...a gift that couldn�t of been more �on target� than if I�d made a list, naming what I wanted from her. Molly sent a card in her absence, with the words delicately written inside, �I�m so disappointed I can�t be at your party, but I have a STUPID family function that I have to go to in Arizona....� I laughed out loud at that. (Gee, I hope her family isn�t reading this...) I got a nice phone call from Lynn, saying she wished she could make it and that she was sending something for my scrapbook. Can you believe my friends did all this for me? I still feel like I�m in shock by it a little, and a very unworthy of all that attention. If any of the friends are reading this.....hear me now. I don�t know how to say thank you - because nothing seems BIG enough to counterbalance all that you�ve done for me....not just this party, but for the last 10 years we�ve known each other. You are my family - my brothers & sisters - and I love you guys with my whole heart, my whole self. You made me feel so special...thank you. ****************************************************************************** My �Body for Life� book I devoured in a single day, as Jude predicted I would. And I must confess that this is a book I�ve been considering buying for myself more than a few times. I guess I just never found that extra $30 bucks to sink into it. This book has really got me to thinking about my future, about my limits, about my set-points, about myself. His program seems so strict in the food department, and extremely intense in the exercise category. Since I read this book on Sunday, I�ve done a lot of visualization...trying to see if his program is something I could actually do. I don�t know how many of you have read his book, but he talks about reaching a �high point� during exercise which basically means that you harness your inner-strength and use it to push yourself beyond your limits at varying intervals. I�ve tried, over the last 3 days, to do this during my workouts, to see how I faired. Its tough. And I must tell you, that performing at optimum levels, alternated with maximum high points, can really kick your ass. Doing this today I was only able to finish about 35 minutes of my step aerobics....and I�ve been starving all day too. But I think that cardio is probably what I�m best at - since I�ve been doing that 5-6 days a week for the past 9 months straight. I think I can do this part. I�ve been doing a lot of visualization with regards to my eating too. Last night I looked at my plate and said, �Are there any UN-authorized foods here?� (An un-authorized food is something that isn�t on his little list in the book) I�ve asked myself this question at every meal since I�ve read the book....and guess what.... There have been un-authorized foods at nearly every single meal I�ve eaten since Sunday. It�s the little things mostly...like light butter, olive oil, 50% reduced fat cheese, yogurt with corn syrup in it, chocolate (a piece or two), a frozen (albeit organic) burrito. I�m getting in the chicken, fish, egg whites, vegetables, beans, oatmeal, wheat bread...etc. Its all the little additions that, to me, make the food I eat taste �real� that I would have to give up if I did this Body for Life Challenge. And this is where I predict I�m going to have the toughest time staying on track. This is the part that scares me the most. Now, the weightlifting part isn�t going to be a stroll in the park either. But I know that with weight training I�m going to firm up, gain physical strength, and tone my body. Maybe my back will stop hurting once I build up those muscles. Maybe my boobs will sit up off my bellybutton (slight exaggeration). Weight training will be new to me, an unexplored valley of promised results....just waiting to be discovered. And I�m an explorer. I think I could get used to this part. Starting this challenge is something I�ve already made the decision, in my heart, to do. The question now is timing. I�m on vacation & at the mercy of my surroundings (to an extent) for 10 days in December. So I don�t really feel that doing it before then will have the best outcome for me. Its funny, even as I wrote that last paragraph, I could hear Fred�s voice in my head saying �That�s bullshit and you know it.� GET OUT OF MY HEAD FRED!! Anyway, as much as I hate starting things right on January 1st - like every other new year�s resolutioner on the face of the planet - I think I�m looking at beginning when I get back from vacation. It will give me time to gear up mentally, to get my home gym set up in my basement, and to make some adjustments in my diet before then. Damn - this is a long entry! Oh well, its been nearly a week, and I had �From caterpillar to butterfly, they are the same being. They are beautiful, but both are very different. The caterpillar has the will, strength, determination and patience to become the butterfly. The butterfly has the grace, beauty and humility of once being the caterpillar. Awakening from a chrysalis can at first be very confusing and disorientating, but with only a few short flaps of one�s beautiful wings, does the world come into focus and balance is regained.� 1:07 p.m. - 11/27/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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