madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/21/01 You know, the response I got from yesterday�s post was incredible....it blew me away. And so many of you have amazing viewpoints about weight loss, about the process, and the journey. I wanted to share with you what one reader pointed out to me, something I hadn�t really thought much about, but believe to be very right-on-the-money: I think that there is quite a lot of grief involved for people who lose a lot of weight, and those are hard feelings to handle, especially if you don't recognize them as grief. I know it sounds crazy....I mean, why would anyone grieve to be leaving what amounts to a prison made of fat cells? But I KNOW this is true. Something made us fat, or in other words, we GOT something out of it....maybe comfort, maybe protection - it is probably different for each person. Yes, we also got a lot of negative things from it too, and it's when the negative outweighs (no pun intended!) the positive that we finally decide to do something about it. But make no mistake, there is grief involved in leaving ANY kind of "relationship"....whether it's with food, or with another person (even an abusive relationship), or with a job. That former fat person in you is dying, and despite all the heartbreak she caused you, you are going to feel some grief and nostalgia at her passing, and there are going to be parts of her that still pull at the new slender you struggling to break free. But I truly believe that as you get closer to your goal, your new relationship with the world as a slim person will replace those feelings of grief, and you will step over that line with both feet, move joyfully into your new life, and let the old Heather rest in peace. We may never forget those who die....we never "get over it", as the saying goes, but the pain does lessen over time as the rewards of a new life become clearer. I�ve read this over a few times and each time I can relate something new about myself. There are some journals which have never delved into this topic, grief. And I think the main reason is because its about as clear as muddy waters on a rainy day. My fat really did keep me protected in many ways. I guess the first time I realized this, I was sitting in my therapists office trying to make sense of her question. �How has being heavy helped you? Because it must�ve helped you in some way....� I remember thinking, I�m paying this lady $75 an hour for this crap? But you know, she really had a point. And although at that time I wasn�t able to sort through it and make sense of it all, I�m beginning to now. If there is one thing that being fat has protected me against - it is the attention of men. I remember losing all the weight in high school and suddenly boys were paying attention to me that normally wouldn�t have given me the time of day. It was an odd feeling....because I was at once pissed off and intrigued. Then one day, after school at play practice, a guy that I had grown to be friends with cornered me and started groping me. That�s the best way I can describe it....his hands were all over me and he kept saying, �I know this is what you want too...� Needless to say, I pushed him off and ran into the arms of another male friend of mine.....who, a week later, groped me too. Gee - nice guys, huh? And to think, before I got thinner - they said they just thought of me as �one of the guys�. I wonder if they walk around groping their guy friends.... Wait...I retract that question... The attention of men has always scared the shit out of me. I was molested as a kid, but by a woman, so it doesn�t really play out the way you�d think. My dad was a loving, very patient, and kind father to me and never did anything even remotely inappropriate. The same goes for all the male figures in my life, who were nothing but strong and warm and gentle with me. Perhaps just the experience of being violated like that simply changed the way I felt when I got any kind of sexual-based attention later on in my life. ? I can�t say I know all the answers, but grief perfectly describes my feelings this past month. I feel a loss for who I was...and the easy, unaware life I lead. I feel sad that things are changing around me - in my own relationship with my husband and friends. Will we grow apart? Will I be safe waiting for the bus, downtown, at 11:30pm at night now? Will my perceptions of life change so drastically that I will no longer settle for the things that have always made me happy in the past? Will I suddenly become a vain and smug bastardette like Fred? I guess the real issue is to recognize that its okay to grieve the loss of something that was a part of my life for 27 years. To know that it is a natural process, to give it the time it deserves, and then to move on. That�s what I need to focus on now....the moving on part. If you have a little time, please go read this story about Daffodils. It seems particularly relevant at this point in my life right now..especially with Thanksgiving tomorrow. Take Care everyone, and Happy Thanksgiving. 1:07 p.m. - 11/21/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||