madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/10/03 Today I looked in the mirror and noticed how long my hair is getting. It finally falls behind my shoulders when I wear it down and straight. My first thought was, “I need a haircut.” I haven’t had one in at least 6 months or so, and all my gray hairs are sticking out & my ends are looking straggly. But the little voice inside me screams “NO!! Don’t cut it! You always wanted to be thin and have long hair!!” I debate with myself. Its true, I’ve always wanted to be thin and have long, flowing, silky hair that I could casually toss over my shoulder while flirting. (ha ha no need to flirt now with a hubby anyway) But I’ve kept it short for years because – let’s face it – I weighed almost 400 pounds. The dream of being thin with long hair was kind of a mute point. I was never going to be thin, therefore only half of the dream could ever come true. Plus, I think it’s harder for a super-sized person to pull off long hair…especially if it’s thin like mine. Thin, long hair just kind of gets lost on an obese person. It ends up looking like a child’s pencil drawing of hair, while the body looks like a color photograph. (I’m making a generalization here, I know) Anyway…I just knew I’d be one of those fat people who couldn’t pull it off. Then, a few years back, I changed my life. I started exercising, I started losing weight. Suddenly, the whole idea of being thin with long flowing hair seemed like an accessible image for me. I don’t think any of this was contained in my conscious mind, but it was there, nonetheless, being calculated and considered in the depths of my psyche. Shortly after I’d lost about 40 pounds, I went to the hair stylist and told him to “trim” it. He chopped it off. It was too short. It was uncomfortably short. It was far too short for the long, thin, flowing hair image I had cupped in my mind’s eye. I didn’t panic though. At that time, I was confident and happy and full of possibilities. I was on the road to getting “thin” and if I just kept it up, I’d be thin right about the time my hair would be long. It was a perfect, infallible plan that was sure to bring me to the self-actualized representation of what I’d look like in the future. Oh, the best laid plans. Well, I guess you know the rest of the story. Half way to my goal, I look at my hair today and realize that its length has surpassed my weight loss! Now what? Should I cut it? But what if I suddenly wake up tomorrow, renewed and ready to lose again? What if maintaining my weight holds no more glory for me and I find myself determined to be thin at all costs? Then I’d have to start from square one… Of course the pessimistic side of me insists that this will never happen. The negative voice says, “You’re never going to get there anyway…you might as well cut it. It’s been a year and you’ve barely lost anything, so what are you worried about? Chop, Chop!!” Ho, hum…what to do… Honestly there has to be bigger and better things to be concerned about, right? (i.e. world peace, healing the sick, stopping poverty and hunger) But no, I’m concerned about whether or not I should cut my hair. * long pause *
You know what I just realized…just now…as I’m writing this? I just realized that even with the little head cold I have, I physically feel good enough to actually be worried about something other than disease and illness! Wow! You know, I’ve been sick for so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to worry about trivial things. This is a good sign…I’m returning to my “old” self! Ha ha! I think on that note, I’m going to sign off for the weekend. I hope you have a great weekend. Mine is filled with painting, unpacking, and hopefully (please for the love of God make it so) getting my apartment into a livable condition. Hugs, hugs and more hugs to all of you! 2:48 p.m. - 1/10/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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