madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1/10/03 Today I looked in the mirror and noticed how long my hair is getting. It finally falls behind my shoulders when I wear it down and straight. My first thought was, �I need a haircut.� I haven�t had one in at least 6 months or so, and all my gray hairs are sticking out & my ends are looking straggly. But the little voice inside me screams �NO!! Don�t cut it! You always wanted to be thin and have long hair!!� I debate with myself. Its true, I�ve always wanted to be thin and have long, flowing, silky hair that I could casually toss over my shoulder while flirting. (ha ha no need to flirt now with a hubby anyway) But I�ve kept it short for years because � let�s face it � I weighed almost 400 pounds. The dream of being thin with long hair was kind of a mute point. I was never going to be thin, therefore only half of the dream could ever come true. Plus, I think it�s harder for a super-sized person to pull off long hair�especially if it�s thin like mine. Thin, long hair just kind of gets lost on an obese person. It ends up looking like a child�s pencil drawing of hair, while the body looks like a color photograph. (I�m making a generalization here, I know) Anyway�I just knew I�d be one of those fat people who couldn�t pull it off. Then, a few years back, I changed my life. I started exercising, I started losing weight. Suddenly, the whole idea of being thin with long flowing hair seemed like an accessible image for me. I don�t think any of this was contained in my conscious mind, but it was there, nonetheless, being calculated and considered in the depths of my psyche. Shortly after I�d lost about 40 pounds, I went to the hair stylist and told him to �trim� it. He chopped it off. It was too short. It was uncomfortably short. It was far too short for the long, thin, flowing hair image I had cupped in my mind�s eye. I didn�t panic though. At that time, I was confident and happy and full of possibilities. I was on the road to getting �thin� and if I just kept it up, I�d be thin right about the time my hair would be long. It was a perfect, infallible plan that was sure to bring me to the self-actualized representation of what I�d look like in the future. Oh, the best laid plans. Well, I guess you know the rest of the story. Half way to my goal, I look at my hair today and realize that its length has surpassed my weight loss! Now what? Should I cut it? But what if I suddenly wake up tomorrow, renewed and ready to lose again? What if maintaining my weight holds no more glory for me and I find myself determined to be thin at all costs? Then I�d have to start from square one� Of course the pessimistic side of me insists that this will never happen. The negative voice says, �You�re never going to get there anyway�you might as well cut it. It�s been a year and you�ve barely lost anything, so what are you worried about? Chop, Chop!!� Ho, hum�what to do� Honestly there has to be bigger and better things to be concerned about, right? (i.e. world peace, healing the sick, stopping poverty and hunger) But no, I�m concerned about whether or not I should cut my hair. * long pause *
You know what I just realized�just now�as I�m writing this? I just realized that even with the little head cold I have, I physically feel good enough to actually be worried about something other than disease and illness! Wow! You know, I�ve been sick for so long that I�ve forgotten what it feels like to worry about trivial things. This is a good sign�I�m returning to my �old� self! Ha ha! I think on that note, I�m going to sign off for the weekend. I hope you have a great weekend. Mine is filled with painting, unpacking, and hopefully (please for the love of God make it so) getting my apartment into a livable condition. Hugs, hugs and more hugs to all of you! 2:48 p.m. - 1/10/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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