madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/8/02 Sometimes I think I must've starved to death in a past life. What else could explain my self-destructive, unnatural craving for food? I search my childhood for clues...and there are a few. But even so, it seems my problems started long before I was molested, before I was put on strict diets by my mother, before I was teased by other kids and found comfort in warm bread...soft as pillows. For this reason, I wonder if I was deprived of food in a past life until my empty belly consumed my soul. Perhaps I was a prisoner, kept in a dank and rotting cell with nothing but a daily ladle of gruel to keep me alive. Possibly I was deserted on a tiny island, vacant except for a single palm tree - long past producing nuts. My parched mouth might've ached for the taste of anything but grit and sand and salt...and I just dried up the way a grape shrivels into a raisin under the scorching sun. I imagine being a small boy locked in closets, deprived of food for days as punishment for doing things normal children do. These impressions stamp my soul forever. I carry them with me - heavy as stones - to the next life until I learn what I'm supposed to learn. Only then can I lay this burden down and be done with it. Either past lives exist, or I'm just fucked up in the here and now. Either way - it all hinges on me and my choices.
The past 10 days worth of choices have been extremes. 5 beautiful, perfect-calorie, healthy days preceded three days of mediocrity. (My average for the week was 1750 though, not bad at all actually.) The three mediocre days were followed by a day of downright gluttony. Today is the gluttonous day. I've fallen prey to an office potluck with too much cheese available to this mouse. Cheese cake. Cheddar cheese. Shredded jack cheese for the chili. Nacho cheese dip and chips. Jalapeno cream cheese spread for crackers. It's a wonder if I'll ever poop again. On and off. That's how I'm doing. I think this is what people do who maintain their weight. They eat perfectly healthy Monday thru Friday, and then splurge on the weekends. Exercising doesn't seem to help one way or the other scale-wise. I think I'm doing just enough exercise to to maintain a healthy blood pressure and heart rate. Only 6 weeks until I see my parents. Unless I do some major starving between now & then, they're going to have to see me about 6 pounds heavier than the last time they saw me. That just sucks! But does it suck enough that I'm willing to be sacrifice my indulgent dinners on the weekends? Hmmm... what to do....what to do... 2:41 p.m. - 10/8/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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