madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/8/01 It�s a proverbial Monday for me folks, with a dark cloud the size of Texas hanging over my head. I tried to step around it, to run from it, to shake it off like a sudden chill....but there�s no escaping the fact that I have the blues today. And I�ve eaten the food to prove it. My bold, confident words spoken just days ago taste like mud in my mouth now. I stuffed my face at the Bridal Shower like a starving man at a banquet. Nothing could keep me from going back again and again for just �one more taste� of that breaded zucchini, or a �smidgen� of the chocolate fondue. I even carried a piece of pesto bread in my mouth on the way out to the car, to savor on the way home. I did more than eat - I consumed. Then came the guilt. I felt guilty the next day, for the first time in a long while. I think it has something to do with this October Challenge. Because lately, I haven�t been feeling guilty when I indulge. Lately I simply wipe the slate clean the next morning, and begin again like nothing happened. Doing this has really helped me feel satisfied and stay on track. Guilt basically sucks ass.....so I�ve been really trying to eliminate it from my whole lifestyle change. But Sunday I felt TERRIBLE! I felt so guilty, like I was somehow discredited by my own actions. How could I very well be an inspiration to others, yet gorge myself at a party like that? I kept thinking of all my readers and how I didn�t want to let them down. But mostly, I felt like I had let down myself by not making my own words true. And then I just sort of fell apart. Sunday night ended in 2 chicken strips, a whole small pizza ( a grilled vegetable non-fat cheese one, but STILL about 800 calories) followed by celery sticks and a tub of peanut butter. (Aaaarrrrgggg!!!) I think there�s actually a technical diet term for this. Its called, �What the Hell!� syndrome. The definition is something like, �A term used to describe the feeling when a person on a restricted diet decides they�ve blown it, so they eat more....thinking �What the Hell - I�ve blown it anyway!� I hate this feeling, because its lasted with me through today�s potluck at the office. I started the day with the best of intentions, even packing a partial lunch so I wouldn�t totally blow it. But the main dish was actually healthy (chicken breast, mushrooms, pineapple, water chestnuts & sweet & sour sauce) with no added oil and steamed white rice. So I helped myself to a bite-sized portion. Unfortunately, it all went down hill from there. Not fat-wise, all the food was extremely healthy, but sugar-wise it was LOADED. There were two trays of fruit, and I�m sure I put away half a pineapple by myself. I went back for more sweet chicken and white rice about 3 times, and topped the whole day off with a slice of birthday cake. I had a head rush, felt nauseous for about 20 minutes, and then crashed hard. So here I am, tired as all hell and I feel like I�ve been hit by a truck. The suck is, I deserve it. I should tell you the things I did that were good for me today too...because trust me I didn�t want to be good at all. I did 45 minutes of walk aerobics, and a 10 min tone up tape. This was a minor miracle in itself, because I was literally standing in front of the t.v. determining how many more minutes I could sleep and still make it to work on time. But I made myself do it because I thought it would make me feel better. I also ate 2 cups of raw vegetables and a fresh salad with olive oil dressing, two slices of whole wheat toast, and 3 egg whites today. And while these are all good things for my body, the calories of this on top of all the crap I ate, is more than I should have in two days. Ho, hum. Anyway, the last good thing I did was to maintain my awareness by going to the doctor�s office to weigh in. You can see my results here. Its not perfect, but I feel lucky to have lost anything with all the eating I�ve done. My week ends with a two-day wedding cake baking spree (Yes, I�m making two wedding cakes for my friend and driving them to the coast) One of the cakes is a normal two layer 9-inch Lemon Poppyseed cake topped with White Chocolate frosting. And the other is half sheet cake, marbled, filled with Bavarian Cream, and topped with Semisweet Chocolate Ganache. I�m going to have my hands full, but I know the bride will love them. That is, if I can get them to the beach in one piece. (The road to the beach is 1 � hours long and very curvy.) Once we are at the coast it�s an all-day barbeque (more eating) and a party in the evening. I have to keep telling myself that I wanted a challenge, and I created this for myself. All I can do is try, right? I can�t beat myself up if I don�t make it all the way to 100 pounds down. Plus, I still have 23 days left this month to do good. And on that note, I think I�ll close for today. Click here to see who else joined the October Challenge over the weekend! 12:57 p.m. - 10/8/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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