madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/22/01 Of course, I weighed in on Monday. And so as not to leave any of you wonderful people in the dark any longer, here it is. Only 1.5lbs to go.....so close. It was so great to hear from all of you who�ve joined me in my October Challenge! The e-mails really made my day. :) I hope you are ready to read, because this is a long one.... I had so much fun this weekend! After my step aerobics class, where my psycho-instructor insisted on performing a routine she should�ve named �THE LEG CHALLENGE�, I limped to the Farmer�s Market and bought some vegetables. Roaming around the market was kind of sad, as this weekend will be the final market for the season. Say farewell to the sweetest fruit, the crispiest organic lettuce....and hello to Safeway, the good ol� standby. ( really, Safeway�s not too bad, its just not the same.) I came home, put the groceries away, took a brief look at my disaster-area bedroom, and headed out the door again. You see, I know I was supposed to clean my room last week - as per my promise to myself. But every time I went in my bedroom, the thought of giving away all those good clothes just made me cringe. So I put it off.....for awhile. Saturday night I spent with a group of my closest friends, around a huge bonfire, out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not no-where, but out in a field behind the barn on my friend�s property. I fed the horses a few carrots, played with the kiddos, ate food reluctantly... The food was wonderful - but absolutely calorie-laden. I had planned to bring a salad with me, but ran out of time before the party to make one. The food consisted of little smokies (mini-sausages) in BBQ sauce, Queso - which is a pot of melted Velveeta cheese and Salsa served with tortilla chips, chocolate cake, spinach dip made w/cream cheese & sour cream (which I admit was heavenly), polenta squares drizzled with tons of oil, and crackers, chips & white bread. I was starving, and did the best I could eating a smidgen of this and a smattering of that. And can I tell you something? The food was too rich for me....distasteful even. Now I don�t make these kinds of statements lightly, mind you. No siree! I was a butter upper, a cream gravy-er, a fried food-er....you get the idea. The more fat, the better. And not only did I cook with heavy whipping cream, butter, oil, cream cheese, sour cream, lots of cheese, tons of meat & sausages, but I sopped everything up with a slice of white buttered bread or baguette or biscuit. But I�m telling you, one bite of that sausage and I knew I�d changed. I said something out loud to the effect of, �One bite of that sausage and I know I�ve been on a diet for a year...� But it was more than that actually. It wasn�t that I�d simply, �been on a diet�. It was that my tastes had changed. I ate the full-fat cream cheese spinach dip and marveled at the way it clung to my throat and stuck to my tongue. The whole time I was eating it, I thought, �Gosh, this would be soooo much better if it was just a little lighter.� The polenta square, although very tasty, left a thin sheen of grease on my lips....something that I haven�t felt in a long time. I dunked a tortilla chip into the queso, put it in my mouth, and reeled at the saltiness of it. I had a sip of a friend�s White Russian cocktail - and gagged at the way the cream coated my mouth long after the swallow was gone... This is what you call proof in the pudding, folks. I know it takes a long time for your tastebuds to move away from McDonalds and crave Farmer�s Market vegetables instead. It takes awhile, and sometimes the change can be uncomfortable, painful even. And a lot of the discomfort is psychological...or at least it was for me. But it does happen - and I�m the living, breathing proof of it. Even pizza, the penultimate food on the planet, I now prefer a little lighter. I guess some would argue that if I�m still even consuming pizza, I�m not eating particularly healthy. I say to that - bugger off! Because a change is a change, and all the changes are adding up to something really good. And nobody else�s idea of what�s right for me has any bearing on my reality...period. (Whoah, I just had a smug bastard moment....) But I want you all to know that I did, FINALLY, go through my clothes. It was nice, because I had a good friend there with me to help me decide what I really should give away and what was still wearable. About half-way through, I came upon my favorite purple dress....the one I�m wearing in this picture. I used to feel pretty good in this dress, because it fit perfectly on me, and even had a tiny bit of room left over. I held it up in front of me. My breath stopped short in my throat. The dress was huge. It was gigantic. The dress was almost unrecognizable as it hung lifelessly from my outstretched arms. I moved over to the mirror to see myself as I held the dress in front of me. My reflection told the truth.....there was no me to be seen, but a few fingers and my face sticking out the top. That dress completely wiped me out of the image. I just stared and stared. That moment stagnated in the air the way a catfish smells in your kitchen, long after you�ve fried it.....lingering. I didn�t quite know what to say, because I was feeling all sorts of emotions at the same time. I was happy that I wasn�t that big anymore. I was angry that I let myself go like that. I was embarrassed, especially with my friend in the room, at the size of that dress. I was mortified, at what I must�ve looked like when I fit into it. My eyes watered up with tears. I looked at my friend and said, �This dress is soooooo big. Why did I let myself get soooo big?� I posed this question more to the room, than to my friend....knowing that there wasn�t really an answer. And then the teardrops gathered in my eyes until they became too heavy. Gravity drew them down my cheeks in fine, watery lines to splatter on my chest. I can�t explain how poignant, how achingly sad I felt at that moment....for the girl who was me. I knew, all along, how big I�d gotten. I lived it, breathed it, experienced every chagrining moment - hadn�t I? Looking back, I guess I was simply overwhelmed, when the difference of who I was - and who I am, was too gross to deny. And the shame of my enormity came rushing back on me, like a raging river. I wiped my tears then, and cleared my throat. I looked to my friend who�s eyes darted to the dress. He said, �Keep that one�. So I did. And the work went on. Before I knew it, the entire closet was clean and organized - with only clothes that fit me. My handy work resulted in a huge stuffed box and two bulging garbage bags of clothes to give away. I brought them into work today, to give to a lady�s daughter-in-law. I guess she�s at the point where she�s having trouble finding clothes that fit in the stores, so this gift will probably overwhelm her.....there�s lots of good stuff in those boxes. Lots of memories, too. I�ve cooked many-a- meal in those clothes. I�ve had many-a-gathering, walked many-a-mile, and done a lotta lovin in those clothes. But I�ve also left many-an uncomfortable-restaurant, squeezed into many-a-too-tight-booth, and ate until my depression swallowed me up and spit me out in those clothes. And when I look at it that way, letting go has never been so easy. 1:00 p.m. - 10/22/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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