madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 13th, 2001 Well, it all started last week, when I realized that I did my Leslie Sansone walk-aerobic tape without hardly remembering it. I was almost 1 � -miles into it before I �realized� that I wasn�t paying attention to the tape at all! I was thinking about my day. What was I going to wear? What was I going to take for lunch? What was my idol eating for lunch? Should I break down and buy a girdle?....yes, I�ve been thinking about that. But that�s another discussion for another day....(hmmph...a clearing of the throat)
Anyway, you see, this is a bad sign...on many levels. Because when you grow to know your aerobic tape so well that you can do it in your sleep - it ceases to be a challenge. Not only that, I�ve been feeling really b*o*r*e*d with my workouts. Boredom is an evil seed, germinating feelings of tedium and dissatisfaction, which eventually lead to a blossom of failure. This, I know is true. But, being 310lbs has its limitations, you know. Sure, I�m feeling better and stronger and healthier and all that crap, but there are a LOT of things I still cannot do. I�m still to heavy to ride a bike, too poor to buy one. I can�t run. I can�t do any aerobics that cause both feet to be off the ground at the same time....my ankles can�t take it. So I popped in Billy Blanks (?) Tae-Bo instructional video as an attempt to learn something new, to push myself. HA HA! Talk about push myself...I couldn�t even do half of the stretches! By the end of the first 10 minutes I opted to stop instead of having a heart attack. Okay, so, I�m not quite at that level yet - fine. I pull out a box of 80's work-out tapes that my mom sent me and pop one in the VCR. (yes, I�m desperate I hate the 80's) ) Ooohhh...its Gilad in Hawaii! I watch as his little muscular body bounces off the mat like a rubber ball, and his kicks rival a showgirl�s. The palm trees sway in the background, and sounds of the surf rustle behind him. The girls at his side smile in their bright blue barely-there french cut leotard w/matching leg warmers. They spring effortlessly into the air bounce after bounce, they clear 2 feet of air each time. I turn it off. Fuck. My thoughts drift back to water aerobics, which I used to do all the time. There is nothing quite like it - that water swirling around me, as I perform aqua jacks and frog jumps with the grace of a ballerina. Fat is very buoyant, you know, and I float like oil on water...literally. However, the only class I can make is at 6:00am, and I have to cross a bottle-necked rush hour traffic jam to get home after my workout. (The Ross Island Bridge is under construction, and the cars literally line up for 20 city blocks to get across it.) Can I face this everyday? How dedicated am I? I decide that I am, indeed, that dedicated...or at least that bored that I would face sitting in a traffic jam for 45 minutes after my workout. I dig out my size 32 swimsuit which I special ordered from a catalog about 6 months ago. Its so cute - and obviously made to conceal a large woman�s stomach and hips. I undress. It seems awful �roomy�, as my legs find the holes and I step in. My first clue was when I pulled up the suit past my ass and I didn�t have to fumble, pull or tug. It just glided up over my hips, and the straps came gently over my arms. I looked down at the suit, feeling positively bizarre. I was wearing a BIG, flowered pup tent. I shuffled to the full-length mirror to get a better look. The swim �skirt� was now a swim full-length dress, hanging literally past my knees. The built in shelf bra was now more like a shelf with a built in closet! A strap gaped, fell off my shoulder, and hung there innocently. I looked positively ridiculous ~ there was NO WAY I could go swimming in this suit! I stared curiously, intently, as this was a site unseen - a swimsuit hadn�t been too big on me for years. I was delighted. I combed the city for an affordable suit, in a So, that whole long story was just to tell you that I bought something in a size 26/28 and it fits! Its been at least 4 years since that�s happened to me. I even ventured into some shirts that size and found a few that I could actually wear. This was a red-letter day people! Now off to the pool with my sorry self - hopefully tomorrow. On another note, my web site provider - Homestead - has discontinued their free service. Can you believe this? So, I�m kind of stuck. They said they�ll continue to provide me with free web space for 1 month - and then I have to start paying. Now listen up folks - I don�t even have $$ to pay for cable t.v., or even Internet service! (I get it free through my work) I�m not sure what I�m going to do. So, I guess I have at least a month to share with you all. I�m hoping that something will pan out, and I�ll be able to work it into our tight budget somehow. 12:20 p.m. - June 13th, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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