madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 7th, 2001 Okay, so first things first, you can check out my Before pics if you dare. They aren't pretty. I'll be posting my "during" pics in the next few weeks. I was reading an old magazine yesterday that someone had left in the lunchroom at work, and I ran across my horoscope. The date of the horoscope was November 2000, last year. It reads; "The tussle between who you are, and who you want to be continues. Serious choices must now be made. You won't feel comfortable until you have clarified your genuine goals. Just remember that it is not where you come from that matters, but where you are going." I put the magazine down after reading and re-reading the passage. It summed up my mental status in a few sentences. November 2000 was the month I started my food journals. It was the month I was seriously researching gastric bypass surgery as the final frontier to weight loss. I WAS at a crossroads in my life, yet again. Would I take the road less traveled by? Or would I trudge down the same old, familiar path that lead to the comfort of food? I had chosen the comfortable road so many times, there were deep ruts, worn paths, and muddy pools of stagnant water along the way. Yet I kept taking that road, over and over. I couldn't face the terrain of a new life with new choices, unknown territories, and strange places. "Its not where you come from that matters, but where you're going", the horoscope says. I had to forget the pain of the past. My mother was extremely unhappy about my weight, and she pushed and pushed me to lose until I completely pushed her out of my life for a time. I left home at 17, hoping to feel true freedom from the constant nagging of "do you really need to eat that?", the untoward glances, the true disappointment that she felt when she looked at me. The only true diets I ever went on, were under the direction and watchful eye of my mother. I remember the Cambridge powder diet when I was in 5th or 6th grade, and then a six-month trip to the Diet Center in my mid-teens. I lost a bunch of weight at Diet Center, but it cost my parents a fortune! I feel bad about that now, because I didn't follow the plan at all. My supplement pills piled up in my room in a box under my bed. I never drank water, exercised, or took my vitamins. I despised the daily visits to the Diet Center which included daily weigh-ins, and question after question about what I ate the day before. My Diet Center "pal" would grill me about my protein intake. "Did you take your supplements?" she'd ask. "Yes", I'd lie. "What did you eat yesterday?" she'd ask. I'd quickly make something up, and recite it happily to her...full well knowing that I might have only had an apple, a couple of crackers, and a chicken breast all day. But she loved me, they all did. I was one of the most successful clients in the Diet Center history. I weighed 187lbs when I went to Diet Center. I was 15 yrs old. I simply starved for six months and dropped down to 128. But then I started to bruise at the slightest touch. I was tired all the time. But I felt great fitting into a size 12 for the first time since middle school, and gaining my mother's tender approval. It was worth it to me. For those of you who don't know Diet Center - the "diet" is Nazi-like restrictive. You can't have any bread, rice or potatoes. You can't have sugar, or anything containing sugar. You couldn't have milk or cheese or frozen yogurt or any other dairy products. I could have 2 tbsp of powdered dry nonfat milk a day. You couldn't have oil or butter, or diet soda, or tomatoes, corn or squash. You can imagine, the amount of restraint I had shown for the last 6 months was incredible...especially for a teenager who's used to a plate of fries and a bowl of ranch dressing for a snack. Then one night, I remember spending the night at a friend's house when they were having pizza and something inside me just "cracked". Up until that point, I'd bring my salad with me wherever I went. But this time, I had a slice, then two. My stomach recoiled in terror of pepperoni, grease, cheese and bread. My mind went euphoric with pleasure - and guilt. I confessed the next day at Diet Center, and broke down in tears. I confessed everything to my counselor - that I hadn't taken any of the supplements, that I simply fabricated my food journals, that I never went on walks or did any of the other things that I'd told her I'd been doing. I sobbed that I was so sorry for lying, but I just wanted to make it work somehow. I wanted to be a success story and win back the approval of my parents, and I wanted to be accepted by my classmates and I wanted to be skinny. The look on her face was devastating. I was so ashamed. Christmas came. We traveled out of town for a week to my grandparents. Food was abundant. Everyone complimented on how beautiful I looked, how thin! But with each trip to the kitchen, I knew in my heart it was all over. I could barely button my jeans by the time we left. I reluctantly went back to Diet Center in January. I stepped on the scale. I gained 16 pounds in 2 weeks. And so the story goes. That was my first (and last) attempt at weight loss. When I graduated from high school 2 years later, I was 208lbs and climbing. I gained 30lbs the first year away from home in college. The cafeteria food was like a smorgasbord at every meal. My mother wasn't there to tell me no. Taco Bell and I found a friend in each other. "Its not where you come from that matters, but where you're going", the horoscope said. I felt like I was meant to have read this horoscope now - to recognize that I've chosen the road less traveled by, which has changed the course of my existence. I've chosen to be aware and take responsibility for my actions. To quit blaming the past and put it behind me. To forgive my parents for doing the best job they knew how. To finally forgive myself. 11:57 a.m. - June 7, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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