madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Big fat flounder April 19th, 2004 I woke up Thursday feeling somewhat �under the weather� like maybe I was getting sick or something. I tried to shrug it off. I attributed it to a bad night�s sleep or allergies. But half way into the day, I knew I wasn�t getting sick. Instead I felt that old familiar darkness creep over me. I was depressed again. I was depressed to be depressed again, after having so many good weeks filled with positives. I fought it off all day Thursday, telling myself this wasn�t happening. Telling myself that I was fine. But when thoughts of consuming a whole pint of Ben & Jerry�s played out in my mind after work, I went straight to bed. I�d just go to bed early and wake up and exercise and feel better. That was my plan. But see, when I�m this depressed, I never wake up refreshed. I wake up exhausted, barely able to swim through my day. I exist only to sleep. I crave the pillow beneath my head and look to the relief that dreaming brings. Sleep is the only way to be out of this body, away from this sack of flesh I carry around. It is the only way to be out of this mind, away from swarming thoughts of failure and goals unmet. At my highest weight, I was sleeping between 10 and 12 hours a day. And the time spent awake was my hell. This is when I usually turn to sugar for energy, for comfort. I know it is a viscous cycle of crash and burn. I know sugar is evil. I know all this logically, but I also know that it will provide these little pockets of feeling normal too. And so I gave into it, whole-heartedly, and dove into the deep end this weekend. Of course, if I just stopped at sugar, that would be fine. But depression has a way of sapping energy from other things: work-outs, relationships, personal hygiene. I haven�t exercised since Thursday, and I can feel it. My whole body is bloated, achy and tired. Many obese people use food to comfort themselves. And to break this cycle we are supposed to simply allow ourselves to feel the emotion instead of numbing ourselves with food. But I don�t know how this applies to me when I�m being depressed like this. I don�t know how to �feel� this emotion any more than I already feel it. As it stands, my depression is all-consuming. I am crying. I am devastated by the littlest thing. I am an emotional wreck. I am angry and frustrated and sad. I am sleepy and lethargic. I am barely able to move my body. I cannot focus. How am I supposed to simply �feel� this MORE? I have a full bottle of prozac sitting in my cupboard. I filled the prescription 6 weeks ago, but I�ve never taken a pill. I decided that I would exercise for a week straight and see if that helped. If it didn�t, I�d take the stupid pill. Guess what. Exercise helped. And in the past 6 weeks I�ve had good and bad days, but the good have outweighed the bad by miles. Yet here I am again, dealing with this same feeling. Here I am, wondering if I have to take that stupid pill to be normal. I�ve gained weight this week, like gangbustas. I think last week�s inch loss was a fluke. I�m supposed to weigh in tomorrow and take my measurements but I�m afraid of what that will do to me, mentally. I don�t ..... no..... I CAN�T handle it. So I won�t. I won�t weigh in tomorrow. I can�t see how far I�ve slipped. If I was 303.6 last week, what the hell will I be this week after no exercise and 3,000+ calories a day?? * shudder * And at the worst possible point, as if to really stick it to myself, I had to shop for new pants on Friday. Now even my biggest sweat pants are too tight on me. Shopping was excruciating. I had to re-live a moment in my past that I never thought I�d have to deal with again. I couldn�t find a single thing in Lane Bryant that fit me....not a single pair of pants, not a shirt. And so I just backed out of there, sort of dumbfounded and dazed and confused. And I went home and just bawled. I never thought I�d have to deal with this humiliation again. Have I just been kidding myself this whole time? I mean, the whole past month of �focusing on the positive�? Now I doubt myself. Now I wonder.... Have I just been pulling the wool over my own eyes? I am now fatter than I�ve been in 3 years. I am now fatter than my driver�s license states. I am now fatter than even my largest sweat pants. I am now fatter than 1 � seats on the bus. I am now fatter than my mind�s eye. I am now fatter than my office chair. I am now fatter than the stalls in the restrooms at my work. I am now fatter than the hallway. I am floundering, as I cannot stand to be in my own skin right now. But as I sleep for relief, I am slowly getting heavier... 11:05 a.m. - April 19, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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