madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stretch pants September 22, 2003 Stretch pants. I hate them. Sure - they are comfortable and stretchy and the elastic waistband doesn�t seem to care how much pie you eat on top of a big meal. But that�s the point � they�ve got no conscious, and consequently neither do I whenever I wear them. Over the course of my life, stretch pants have been both the bane of my existence and my saving grace. They�ve been the cause of teasing from other jean-wearing peers as a teenager and the product of snickers from partygoers at the bar as an adult. They�ve left me unfashionable, fat and out of place at an upscale restaurant. I was un-hip and un-cool in my 20�s�the very time I�m supposed to feel hip and cool and young. One of my proudest moments, after losing about 90 pounds, was ditching my stretch pants for the button-up kind. I bought my first pair of jeans and some cargo pants and wore them proudly like a badge of honor. In public I felt a little more normal, a little younger, a little more hip. At work I finally started to feel my age � 20 years younger than everyone else I worked with. I bought new clothes, clothes that were in fashion, clothes that flattered and had some style too. I came into work looking like a million bucks for about 6 months and my stretch pants retired into a box for storage. I never looked back. Well, that�s not true. I did look back a couple of times, just long enough to consider giving my stretch pants away. I had given all the rest of my fat clothes away with the exception of a few empire-waist dresses that still looked cute on me. But for some reason, I never did give away my stretch pants. I don�t know why. Perhaps it was my thrifty nature kicking in, as most of them still fit � the miraculous way that stretch pants still fit after losing (or gaining) 90 pounds. Or perhaps it was my psyche � unable to believe I would never need them again, unable to believe that I had lost weight permanently and I�d never gain it back. In three months I have gained 20.5 pounds. At first, my pants were simply tighter and a bit more uncomfortable, but totally wearable. And then they got tighter�and tighter. And then I had to stop wearing most of them because they wouldn�t zip up. When my under-wire bras began to cut deep into my sides, I dug out my old sports bra and reluctantly wore those again. (they makes my breasts look droopy and flat and not curvy at all) I�ve been limping by with very few clothes lately, mostly my empire waist dresses and sweat pants and a few skirts with elastic waistbands. But up until last week, I had even been able to fit into two pairs of pants that were baggy on me at my lowest weight so I wore those. But this weekend I tried those on, and they wouldn�t button. So today, with much swallowed pride, I dragged out the dreaded stretch pants box and put a pair on. I�m wearing them now, in all their black, slimming, comfortable glory. And I am so sad. It has been a difficult day for me. No, it has been a difficult year, two years. I don�t know which came first, the chicken or the egg � but this depression is kicking my ass. And the more weight I gain, the more depressed I am, the more I eat, the worse I feel physically and mentally, and then the cycle starts all over again. I eat to numb, to comfort. I even eat in anger and frustration. And some days are simply a smudge, a blur of eating and exhaustion and self-loathing and stomach aches. Other days I am a vision of self-control and awareness, only to blow it in the middle of the night with empty calories. I thought maybe exercise would get me out of this funk, so I started my �30-days of exercise� plan that I�ve used in the past to get motivated. For those of you who don�t know, it is a simple plan based on the idea that it takes 30 days to form a habit. So I exercise every single day for 30 days without defining the quantity or quality, and it usually results in me getting back in the habit of exercise. So far, I have 5 days under my belt�.a drop in the hat really, but it�s a start. Of course, even I know that exercise doesn�t stop the pounds from piling on when you�re still consuming 2700 calories a day. I�ve got to get my diet under control AND exercise before I can even hope to lose. It all seems so intimidating. I keep dwelling on the fact that I�ve gained 20 � pounds�I�m blown away by it. I keep remembering at 263 I felt so huge, so overweight. But now 263 seems like a million miles away, another galaxy, another solar system from my reality. And in the meantime, I've got to sit around in these stretch pants as a reminder that I've really fucked up. 12:11 p.m. - September 23, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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