madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/7/01 I�m suffering from a crushing depression. Its lasted for the last three weeks, but I�ve pretty much been able to deal with it. I hate this old, familiar feeling because it reminds me of my �old� self. It speaks to me of the Heather that couldn�t look in the mirror and see anything good. It smacks of the Heather who would sleep all weekend, getting up only to gorge on pizza and ice cream. It sounds off alarms inside of me, waking up old fears and bad habits. Its like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders and it�s a struggle just to wake up in the morning. My exercise has been nothing more than going through the motions, with no real energy involved. I stumble through work, mindless and silent. I muddle through cooking and cleaning, awaiting the moment when I can go to bed and forget my life. Sleep seems to be my only comfort. Why? I don�t know why. August has never been a good time of year for me. It seems to always bring financial troubles, and emotional depression. I�m not sure what it�s all about. But this is the first time in 7 months that I�ve felt so sad. I used to feel this way a majority of the time. My husband did find another job, so I should be happy. It doesn�t pay as well, but we�ll save money in gas and he�s already much happier. Food-wise, I�ve made both good and bad decisions. Most days I�m just going through the motions - grabbing whatever is at the house to take to work for lunch. Thank goodness I only buy healthy food, or I�d be in big trouble. I have had many, �I just don�t give a shit� moments the past 3 weeks - and consequently, my weight loss has slowed a bit. I didn�t post a weigh in yesterday, but I did go to the doctor and step on the scale. I�m down 1 pound from last Monday. I�m not going to post it though, because I�m changing my weigh-in days to Friday morning. It seems I�ll have access to the car every Friday morning, and it will give me a reprieve from stressing about my weigh-in all weekend. Yes, I actually think about it all weekend, and it keeps me from enjoying myself. So... we�ll see if this helps a bit. Although I�ve lost a pound, I feel like I�m in a stasis - stagnating like stinky pond water. I look in the mirror and see flies buzzing around my piggy self. I feel huge in my clothes, even when I can visibly see that they are loose. My skin palor is dull, lifeless. My hair is so thin that it HURTS to put it in a clip. I have dark circles under my eyes and I generally look like hell. I can�t remember the last time I got my hair cut & styled, or the last time I wore makeup, or dressed up for a night on the town. I feel the furthest thing from pretty. I feel old. I almost spared you all the entry today, knowing it wouldn�t be �uplifting� or motivating. But I realized that this is who I am, and this is supposed to be my safe place for expression. So, here I am. See you all tomorrow. 12:38 p.m. - 8/7/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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