madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/15/03 Ever noticed how your actions I was stubborn when learning to tell the truth. It took years of consequences to finally wake me up to the fact that telling the truth was simply easier in the long run. As a kid, I felt compelled to embellish, to enhance my experiences until I could impress friends and awe teachers with my stories. (Now I realize that simple, good writing has the same effect!! ) As a young teenager, I felt the restriction of my parents, and often lied to gain freedom. But none of this came without a heavy price, one that usually ended up costing me far more than the experience was worth. It wasn�t until my first year of college, that I really began to understand how important truth was. I was on my way to becoming a grown-up, and I was surrounded by intelligent more-mature individuals. I found that my need to stretch the truth served no purpose with these people, or at this point in my life. That was a huge turning point for me. It changed my interactions with friends, family, and people in general. It changed the way I conducted myself, the way I felt about life. I began to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me Goddess! It�s amazing how my relationships with people began to change when I was always honest with people! I began to build friendships on trust which turned out to be the most lasting and powerful friendships that I have to this day. It seems that the act of being honest had multiplied and showered me with positive consequences. It was during this time that I met my husband - who shoots straight from the hip - and it only reinforced my honesty. I�m still known as someone who is very honest and straightforward not only in my relationships but also in my work. Although I�m also told I can be a little abrasive with the truth. I guess I�ve never quite gotten the �tact� part of it down yet. (Ak!) But losing weight has been the final test of my honesty. Coming to terms with the reality of my size, without jumping off a bridge, has been difficult. Finding mirrors and looking at them, when I still weigh near 300lbs is a daily affirmation that I must continue to be honest with myself. I don�t always like what I see....but that�s the whole point. Because when we are being honest with ourselves, sometimes it takes courage. The strength you need to face something ugly, something that you�ve been lying to yourself about or in denial about, it will pay you back a thousand times over with positive consequences. I promise. My phone rang last night. It was a nice man who explained he�s starting up an orchestra to be directed by an acclaimed conductor coming out of retirement. He�s looking for a flute player. Not only this, mind you, but he�s not interested in the fact that the flute player might be a little rusty. Nor does the nice man care if the flute player doesn�t have a college degree in music, or mind the fact that she hasn�t played with a classical group in over 8 years. No. The most important thing to him, is that the flute player has an intense passion for music and that she be excited to perform with a group. I am this flute player. A year ago, if this same opportunity would have been given to me, I�m not sure I would�ve accepted. I was a different person then. I am still a little afraid of being on a stage with other �normal� sized people. I am still nervous knocking something down when weaving in between music stands, people, and fragile instruments gingerly placed on seats of chairs. I am still mortified that the dress code will require white shirt and black skirt - and I won�t be able to find one that fits anywhere in town. But I don�t care now. Because all these fears are irrelevant. I asked the Universe to bring music back into my life again... and she did. Now its time to be thankful. :) 12:42 p.m. - 8/15/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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