madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/21/01 When I started this change in December, it took a long time for me to really see the differences in my body. Somewhere around 50 pounds lost, I finally saw less of me for the first time. I wrote about it in my journal. Here is an excerpt; "Yesterday I took out some pictures of me from Christmas 99' and October 00'. I stared at them. I glued my eyes to the images of me, recognizing each bulge, each swell, each puffy pooch of skin as a testimony to what I've been through, a map of my pain. You see, when I first got these pictures in the mail, from my mother, I shuddered at the sight of me. I was disgusted, angry, and flushed red with shame. I quickly hid them in a box in the office where no one else could set eyes on the grotesque monster that was me. So why was I torturing myself this way, reading these photographs in the way someone would devour a good novel? I sat alone in the office, with nothing but the walls whispering a hushed laugh, like rustling dead leaves against a tree trunk. I tried not to hear their mocking, but the teasing sounds of my childhood came rushing back to me. "Fatty! Lard?Ass! Boom?ba?da?da, Boom?ba?da?da!" But mostly it was my mother's voice I heard, asking me if I "wanted to be as fat as grandma?" I stared at my image in these pictures, and realized that I outweighed Grandma by a good 100 pounds or more. I was the manifestation of my mother's worst fears. Its strange, really, the way that pictures are a mirror too, a reality checker. I fingered each photograph, outlining my face and shoulders, somehow hoping to capture the reality that was me. I contemplated my appearance, my true?honest outer self without questions or defensive answers. I simply gazed upon my image, without judgement or criticism. And I learned something. I was pretty. I stood from the desk, with the picture of my full?face in my hand and carried it to the bathroom mirror. I held up the photograph beside my cheek and looked at my reflection. And there it was ? a difference. Not just one difference, but many differences! Each one spoke to me with the clarity of a ringing church bell on a Sunday morning! My eyes no longer resembled raisins on a cinnamon roll, they were round and green and brilliant! My cheekbones were more defined, and my cheeks weren't as swollen. My double chin was smaller revealing a neck which revealed shoulders that I never knew existed! My skin had a healthy glow that only comes from exercise and fresh vegetables. Only 50 pounds lost and I had actually changed myself. I smirked at my reflection, I couldn't help it! And then I broke out in a laugh, followed by tears of joy of pride of self?love. I really did this ? ME! It was truly happening, and I made it happen. I couldn't believe it." (Some of you may have read this excerpt in Fred's journal, entitled "Mirrors". I was discussing how mirrors can be both a friend and a foe simultaneously.) After seeing the differences in the mirror between the pictures, and my lighter?by?50lbs?self, I looked in the mirror the following morning. The differences were gone...disappeared, like they had never been there at all. I started to wonder if I had imagined the differences. ? It took a loss of 30 more pounds, and posting my pictures on this web site, for me to see the changes again. Suddenly putting on clothes in the morning felt like a breeze ? so many to choose from, and NOTHING was too small! I looked in the mirror on the 4th of July and exclaimed, "I like the way I look now!" to a friend. (He was slightly baffled, since I'm not the kind of person to just suddenly say "I LIKE MYSELF" I felt really beautiful and powerful for awhile ? a few weeks even. And the cycle continues. Lately I hear a little voice in the back of my mind saying ? "you're still really fat. Face it." And I can't seem to drown it out. The mirror is my foe, my enemy. And although my mood is not being affected by this negativity, I wish I had control over these old useless tapes I run in my head. I know they are unhealthy, and I honestly thought they were gone for good. But looking in the mirror lately has been a duty, a chore. I face my body with disdain. The same saggy boobs glare back at me each morning as I side?glance at the mirror before stepping into the shower. I wonder when I will feel thinner ? permanently? Will there ever be a time when I look in the mirror and see the differences again? I wish that time would hurry up...I'm getting older. 12:44 p.m. - 8/21/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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