madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 10, 2001 I had a moment of clarity yesterday. In an instant, a shaft of light penetrated through the negative haze of my mind, illuminating truth. It was after I had stepped on the scale, for the third time, and realized that I had actually made it to my first goal weight of 299lbs. This moment was so intense that my eyes welled up with tears. All the destructive, unsupportive little voices in my head fell silent. I was hit with the stark reality that my work had, at least partially, come to fruition. My weight loss was undeniable. I know, you are thinking - �ya, so, she said this already.� But with regards to my weight loss, I feel like a horse pulling a carriage in downtown traffic. My path is clear. My directive is made known to me and I follow through. But, much like a horse with blinders on, I can only focus forward. As a horse cannot be distracted by traffic, I can�t be distracted (by food). I can�t feel pressured (to eat socially), or get spooked (by my own fears). Simply putting one foot in front of the other can be my only reality. So when I have moments when I actually see myself, for who I am, it�s a
For instance, I seldom look in the mirror and say, �WOW, Heather, look at all the wonderful changes in your body!�. Usually my defense mechanisms kick in, and its more like I look in the mirror and say, �WOW - you are still totally fat - even after all this hard work!� Although it is getting better with each passing month, I am a pessimist by nature. And my blinders are my unconscious way of avoiding self-praise. Like I�ve talked about before, I don�t accept com 12:28 p.m. - July 10, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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