madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/24/01 First and foremost, I�d like to dedicate this post to my mother, and wish her a happy birthday. Mom- if you are reading this, I want to thank you for the way you�ve supported me through thick and thin (no pun intended!). For my readers, I want to share with you an excerpt from an e-mail that my mother sent me awhile back. I�ve cut it out and pasted it in my journal, and I read it whenever I feel down. It says, �I love the way you write. I�ve always been your biggest fan, but you thought it was just because I was your mother. Even back then, you couldn�t fathom how much I loved you. It�s good to hear your feelings from your heart. It�s a good feeling for me to know that you�re my Heather, from my flesh and bones, and that I helped create you - and then you�ve turned into this beautiful human being.� When I read this my eyes just flooded with tears and I started laughing! What a gift to receive from a parent, words so kind and genuine. I was (and still am) overwhelmed by these words given to me by my special mom. (Thank you mom!) I am truly humbled by them. Speaking of parents, I think parents in general get a bad rap for their children�s weight problems. I know that I blamed my mother for the longest time. I was just certain it was her pressure on me to lose weight that caused me to defiantly eat. Of course, parents do play a role in shaping their child - there�s no doubt about that. But when does it become the child�s responsibility to use their own power to change bad habits? I don�t consider myself a child any longer. I am an adult. I am a wife. I am a lover, a friend, a companion, a woman. But it wasn�t until I realized that I had to stop blaming others for my own failures, that I could truly stop viewing my weight from a childish standpoint. But it�s so easy to point the finger. We are all products of our environment. How many weight loss stories begin with, �I have always been heavy - even as a child. My mother would snicker and ask me if I REALLY wanted that second helping of macaroni & cheese. Kids made fun of me. I was never picked for softball, I learned to use food as my comfort...� What makes us heavy - even as a child? At a time when children should be out playing for hours, burning off calories, I strain to remember what I was doing? Why did my brother chunk out at a normal age, only to mature into a lean football player-track runner? My parents managed to stay thin throughout my childhood too. There was something about ME that was different. Why did I sneak food after school? Why did I think of food, dream of food, and savor food with a passion that most kids were ignorant to? I guess these are the questions that only a shrink can answer...and I never stuck with mine long enough to get that far. But one thing my shrink did help me understand, was that I am the owner of all things in my life. I am the painter of the canvas of life. I am the architect of the building, the dealer of the cards, the molder of the clay of life. She helped me to learn to see my own power over things that I felt powerless to. She taught me to recognize that I�m not a victim. She made it possible for me to not be afraid of change, because I was ultimately in control of my own fate. I think she helped me, last summer, to begin making the internal changes that fueled the change in my lifestyle in December. I�d say that I�m eternally in her debt, but at $70 bucks an hour - I think she was compensated enough! The important thing to remember, is that we all have struggled. (some more than others) We all have skeletons in the closet, we all have baggage from our childhood. But don�t let that stop you from being the self-actualized person that you deserve to be today. On another note, I updated my weight chart for today. I did two things. First, I went out last night and bought a scale. It was damn expensive - $58!! It had a 10-year warranty, and a lifetime lithium battery and it was deemed a good brand by an Internet friend. I stepped on that damn thing about 20 times last night, and I got readings from 175lbs (!!) To 299lbs. At one point I went pee and weighed myself, and low and behold I dropped 3 pounds!! This scale would drive me to drink. I�m not sure what else I can do - without buying an industrial physicians scale for $300 dollars... So, the second thing I did, was ride my butt to the doc�s office today on the bus and weigh myself. After all, I couldn�t keep my adoring fans from knowing my actual weight, now could I? In truth, I just wanted to know because I felt like I was having a �fat� day... thank goodness I am off that little 2-week plateau! :) I also wanted to let you all know that I�ve bought & paid for this site til next July....so it looks like I�m here to stay for awhile. :) 12:33 p.m. - 7/24/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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