madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 12, 2001 Last night I pulled up to the birthday party, opened the trunk, and lifted the cake from it. It was a site to behold - literally the size of a medium pizza and almost a foot high! It was billowy white with whipped cream, speckled with toasted coconut, dotted with small purple flowers and punctuated with candied pineapple. It sat on a satiny deep purple base to offset the flowers. I felt good to be bringing this gift of labor to my friend. My thoughts were interrupted by a male�s voice saying, �Hey - skinny!� I turned around to find my friend, who hasn�t seen me for 2 months standing there grinning - and looking me over. I waived the compliment away with my hand and turned my face down. Realizing that I was going to just brush off his compliment, he turned to my hubby and said, �Look at her!! W*O*W! She looks great!� I blushed and used the cake as an excuse to exit the conversation....and so the night began. As I�ve said before, I�ve never been one to take a compliment. They make me feel uneasy. I don�t quite understand why, unless its just a Virgo thing. Or maybe I�m just fucked up in the head - which is a total real possibility. But somewhere in my realm, I�ve associated accepting a compliment with being big-headed and vain. I�m not sure when this happened in my life....as I look back I don�t remember ever being THIS bad about accepting them. But last night was a test. I mean, a HUGE test for me. Because after setting down the cake, the compliments came rolling in like long lost relatives after winning the lottery! In the course of the next 20 minutes I heard everything from �Look at you!� * �You are looking good, lady� * �HM, you look so great� * �Wow, have you lost weight?� * �I love that dress on you, it really accentuates the positive!� * �You look so healthy!�.....to a close girl-friend of mine whispering in my ear... �Mouse, you have the nicest boobs.� (!!Gee, thanks!!) Now, don�t get me wrong, I so appreciate all the comments. People who hardly ever see me noticed that I had lost weight, and it prompted them to say something. That felt so genuine and so great!! But why, then, did I feel so anxious? As the night when on, and the compliments continued, I began to feel so self-conscious of my body. I knew people were LOOKING at my body. I knew people were CHECKING me out and taking notice of me. I suddenly wished I had worn something a little looser, baggier. I suddenly wished I had worn a jacket at least, to cover my chest & arms & shoulders that I so daringly bared. Why did I wear this dress which showed off my figure & draw so much attention to me? My rational mind knows that this ridiculous, that my feelings are not normal. Wouldn�t any normal human being welcome the attention and kind words of her peers? Isn�t this what I wanted, for someone to really notice without being prompted? Yes, this is what I had really wanted. This is what I yearned for in the beginning, when the scale read only a measly 30 pound loss, yet I felt I had moved mountains. I longed to be noticeably thinner to acquaintances, and healthier to family and friends. I ached to be told that all my hard work was showing, and that I looked great. So why did I feel nervous, anxious, and embarrassed by all the attention? Honestly, I don�t know why. But it makes me wonder about my molestation as a kid by a babysitter....something which I thought I�d already hashed out and dealt with in therapy a year ago. It also incited me to remember an old feeling way back when I�d lost weight at the Diet Center. I remember coming back to high school and having guys ogle me, and grab me....and it totally freaked me out. I recall feeling this same nervous, anxious energy in the pit of my stomach. A feeling that went away once I got fat again. 12:30 p.m. - July 12, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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