madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/27/01 I can�t stay off the scale!! Its like an addiction... day and night, evening and morning I�m constantly stepping on that thing! (and its only been a few days) Aaarrrggg!! And please tell me how, in the course of a few days, that my weight could fluctuate from 293lbs - 298lbs? It makes me want to focus on other things besides the scale - which is what every successful person who�s lost weight says. I�m also convinced that this could be viewed by a psychiatrist as obsessive-compulsive behavior. Hmmnnn.. For those of you who�ve been reading my journal you know I�ve been having some major hair loss. I went to a new Dermatologist this morning and came out there feeling a little better. She thinks there may be several causes - one was my staph infection last year which often results in rapid hair loss 3 months after the incident. It also lasts for a few months which would�ve put me into October. Then she believes that losing so much weight has f_cked up my metabolism, and possibly caused hair loss. This, of course, was not limited to possible cause from birth-control pills, and an endocrine system problem. In other words - I don�t really know much more than before I went there. But the plus side is this: she said she saw a lot of new little hairs sprouting up, so I�m still growing hair. This means I�ll probably not go completely bald -but just be extremely thin. Oh yeah, I�ll only be REALLY REALLY thin - not bald. What a fucking relief. Okay, attitude adjustment. There, all better. Now - onto more important topics. One thing that I�ve noticed, over the past few days, is that I�m not always the biggest person in the room anymore. In the grocery store, a woman ahead of me turned sideways to get through the checkout. I followed her - walking straightforward. Then today at the doc�s office, I hopped on the elevator to go back down to the parking garage. As the doors started to close, a woman yelled �Hold the elevator!� and stepped on with me. The elevator literally bobbed up and down with the weight of her. (and I) It made me remember that the elevator at my office used to do that when I got on. So I tested it on my way to my office. Guess what - no bounce! :) Its just weird not to be the heaviest person in every room, in every situation anymore. I�ve been that person for so long. Now, when I catch the eyes of a fat person, I see something inside of them that reminds me of myself. I see them shift uncomfortably, adjust their shirt over their stomachs, and lighten their heavy step. I notice they usually cast their eyes downward, towards the ground, to avoid eye contact. I still do this sometimes - especially if I�m in a small space with a really skinny, beautiful person. I can�t I can�t wait to be proud of all 297lbs of me!! I can�t wait to feel comfortable standing next to a 20-year old skinny minny, knowing that I�ve learned lessons she hasn�t even begun to be conscious of. I can�t wait to walk into every room with my head held high and know that I�m beautiful and sexy and every bit as good of a person as everybody else is. I really believe that I will come to believe and practice these things in my life. If I can change my body, my attitude, my relationship with food, my fitness level, my diet, my whole entire lifestyle - then I can surely change this. Right? I hope you all have a good weekend. Do something good for yourselves this weekend. Say �no!� to something sinfully bad for you, and say �yes!� to that extra 15 min of exercise. Be proud of yourself, at any weight, that you are making changes that will form and shape your new life forever. Feel comfortable standing next to anyone skinnier and prettier than you, and know you have something they don�t have. Hold your head high everywhere you go this weekend, and remember who you are.... a powerful, strong, and aware human being. 12:35 p.m. - 7/27/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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