madermouse's Diaryland Diary

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Ten years.

A decade has passed since I ever wrote my first online entry� I pause for effect because OMG! Lol (actually I�m not sure�OMG� and �lol� were words when I first started my blog.  I don�t think that �blog� was a word yet! Ha ha ha..)

Ten years. A decade. Growth unimaginable has occurred in my life, and I had to go back and read some of my earlier entries to really feel the weight of how much I�ve changed. The only reason I thought of this journal, is because a new friend �googled� me and I suddenly thought of madermouse, my alter-ego, and all these many stories I�ve written.

I don�t know if anyone is still around to read this, I don�t really care. I mostly wanted to write because I�ve found something inside of me that deserves to be said, even if its just black text on white paper. So here it is:

Life is about more than weight.

There, I said it.

Caught in a storm of divorce to a man I was married to for 18 years, death of loved ones, uncertainty, fear, and giant leaps of faith - I�ve come to know what it feels like to be really happy.

Not just be really happy, but to love myself.

Anyone who is still around to read this, would know that I�ve spent years in a state of self-loathing. To admit I love myself, that there is more to life than weight�well, it doesn�t sound like me.

And sometimes I do wonder who I am? I do wonder how I got to this place, and looking back I realize that it took some major shifts for me to be happy.

My weight is still and issue, and I reached an all-time high of 385lbs before dropping down into the 340�s again. This is always going to be a game for me, and I hope I win someday. In the meantime, I�m going to enjoy playing � keep putting my bets in, play my hand the best way I know how, and keep working on my poker face.

10:38 p.m. - January 03, 2011

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