madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9/25/01 I haven�t updated much, thinking that most people are probably consumed with the state of the nation rather than weight loss web sites. But didn�t anyone missed me at all? Boo hoo! My e-mail has been quiet as a mouse..(no pun intended) First things first, I weighed in today....*2 pounds lost* for the grand total of 92 pounds gone forever!! As much as I hate to admit it, knowing that I had to weigh in on Monday really kept me in check with my eating over the weekend. And it kept me from having a few cocktails at the bar on Saturday night too. I�m sure I was the life of the party with my bottled water. ( Besides, nothing could match the feeling I had when someone I hadn�t seen in about 3 months stumbled all over herself when she saw me. We were ordering at the bar when she turned to me and said, �I know I just saw you in July, but I can�t believe it! Every time I see you, you look more and more beautiful.� This and various other compliments from friends made me feel so good, and that surpasses any feeling a few cocktails could�ve given me. And even stranger than this - I saw my ob/gyn doc this morning & had a pap smear. Pap smears used to be quite painful and tediously uncomfortable. But this was the easiest procedure I�ve ever had. Even my doctor commented on this by saying, �I can really tell the difference in your body - that went really well.� Okay, so it might seem kinda weird to share this with you all, but it just goes to show that EVERYTHING gets easier when you slim down....from pap smears, to wiping your butt, to revisiting sexual positions you haven�t been able to get in for the last 10 years.... ANYWAY!! Onto other topics, I�d like to re-visit �Old Country Buffet� again. For those of you who don�t know what its like inside, I�ll explain. Picture a restaurant where you pay for your meal at the front door, before you sit down. There are a zillion tables, but no waitresses, and the tables center around several buffet-style food bars. You grab a plate and start piling on the food. You get as many plates as you like, and you can go back as many times as you like. There are no limits here folks! When I frequented Old Country Buffet, I knew I would overeat just by walking into the front door. I practically couldn�t help but overeat what with the quantity of food offered, and the price you pay to get your plate. I always felt like I had to �make it worth it� when I ate there. So I tried to set a few rules when I went in.... Now, looking back, I see how far off I was in my thinking. I see why I weighed almost 400 lbs. RULE #1 - START OFF WITH A HEALTHY SALAD & SOUP TO CURB APPETITE Most people head for the salad bar first, which seems like a healthy choice at a glance. Unfortunately, as you approach you�ll usually find mayonnaise-laden potato salad, macaroni salad, a couple of tasteless fruit salads (half of which are drenched in non-dairy whipped topping), chocolate pudding and various pickled things with a big bowl of wilty lettuce thrown in for good measure. Of course you can�t eat the salad plain, so don�t forget a cup-sized ladle of fatty blue cheese or thousand island dressing, bacon bits, shredded cheese, salted sunflower seeds and/or some MSG croutons to top it off. If you are being very good that day, you could also find a few whitish-reddish tomato wedges, a withered flowerette of broccoli and a dry carrot for some color. I�d grab a cup of soup too, usually the �Cream of something or other� or the chili & load it with cheese & sour cream of course. RULE #2 - LIMIT YOURSELF TO 2 MEATS AND FILL UP ON VEGETABLES Now this rule seems simple enough, and practical. But the main problem, aside from the fact that every meat was fatty and/or deep fried, would be the portion sizes. The �main dish meat� bar is usually filled with meat of all kinds including roast beef, fried chicken, slices of baked ham, full link sausages, pork chops, turkey cutlets, battered-fried fish...you get the idea. So I�d grab two pieces of fried chicken figuring that was equal to one serving of meat, and add a couple of battered fried fish to my plate. Hey - fish is good for you I�d say to myself! I need my omega-3 fatty acids! There, two meats. I�d head over to the side-dishes and vegetable bar. This puppy is loaded with side dishes like macaroni & cheese, spaghetti & meatballs, various casseroles in all of their cornflake-topped glory, corn niblets swimming in butter sauce, carrots & peas marinating in hot oil, stuffing, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, 2 kinds of meat gravy, cornbread, rolls with butter & honey, and bread sticks...etc... and here I�d just go ape shit. I had no self control here and I�d begin by buttering two pieces of cornbread to much on while I filled my plate. (I needed the energy you know, being so tired from hauling my ass from table to table...Gawd!) I always put just a spoonful of stuffing, a bit of potatoes, a tad of mac & cheese on my plate, so as not to seem piggish. But I kept going back for more again and again. Stuffing is an addiction, its like crack. I mean, there is a reason stuffing is only served a couple times a year at Thanksgiving and Christmas....its deadly. And even deadlier when you pour cream gravy over it every time you head back to the buffet table....4 times! Usually, by this time, I would feel really full. I mean, I would feel sickishly full. But I knew I hadn�t eaten my $10 or $11 bucks worth of food, and I really had to make it worth it. So this is when the third rule came into play. RULE #3 - ONLY EAT ONE SINGLE DESSERT Often I would have trouble picking just one dessert, so I�d take a few �samplings� to my table promising to only have a bite or two off each one. This could include, but not be limited to, apple pandowdy, blueberry crisp, brownies, a slice of pie or gelatinous no-bake cheesecake. Or, if you have a hankering for some frozen hydrogenated oil cream...they have a self-serve �ice cream� bar with fudge topping, strawberry topping, sliced bananas, chocolate chips, granola, - you name it. I justified my �sampling� by saying to myself that having a few bites would only add up to one dessert in the long run....even though I�d usually scarfed down 80% of every dessert when all was said and done. Oh, and don�t forget I�d wash it all down with ten trips to the soda fountain for my choice of lemonade, sweetened iced tea, or the carbonated, caffeinated, artificially flavored sugar water beverage of my choice. And a smorgasbord was had by all. I used to frequent this establishment quite a bit in my college days. (It was actually a buffet just like it with a different name) I used to go with a few hippie friends of mine and their daughter. We�d literally go at lunch, eat, sit all the way through dinner and eat again!! We�d just nibble and drink soda and waste away the hours until we were either too sick to continue, or the manager would finally ask us to leave. The ironic part, was that I never once thought of my health, never. It never crossed my mind. I used to tell the story of eating all day to others and LAUGH about it. I thought it was hilarious. My, how times have changed. The Old Country Buffet is located in a little mini mall next to Jenny Craig, and a grocery store that I frequent. I pulled up there last Saturday, parked the car in front of the restaurant with the intention of walking the half mile to the grocery store. Yes, I�ve started doing that most of the time. Its good for me! :) I sat in my car drinking my last bit of water, when I noticed a couple approaching the doors of the restaurant. They were two older women, and one lady was very gently leading the other to the curb. She was small, but not frail. She looked fairly stable and healthy for her age. The other woman was large, well enormous really. From the car window, her legs looked like two fleshy whale bellies protruding from her dress. Her ankles and calves were easily as big around as a standard issue basketball, and her breasts swung from side to side like ripe cantaloupes on a rope. When they reached the curb, they both stopped. I could see the other woman turn her face around to see if anyone was watching. She was sweating heavily, and gasping for air. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt. I was a lurker, observing from the safety of my car....unable to tear my eyes away. The large woman turned to face the curb, paused, probably sizing it up. Then, seemingly with all her might, she hefted her right leg onto the curb. With one leg up, the other woman came to her left side, under her arm, and tried to help her with the other foot. I could see her knee buckle under the strain of it, and she quickly retracted. I shifted into gear, grabbed my purse, swung open the car door and stepped outside. �Can I help?� I asked quickly. The ladies either didn�t hear me, or pretended not to, as they didn�t respond. They made a second try for the curb. I heard the lady let out a grunt as she heaved her weight up onto the sidewalk. A great ripple shook her fat rolls as she made impact with the pavement, and her dress hitched up over her backside. Once on the sidewalk, she hunched over a bit, trying to catch her breath. Her friend straightened her dress, cradled her arm, and they began the slow descent to the front door... of Old Country Buffet. I realized I was just standing there, staring. My offer to help was obviously a moot point now, and I felt like an ass for gaping at this poor woman�s struggle. I slammed my car door, hopped up the same curb, and head to the grocery store. That curb was five, maybe six inches tall at the most, and I suddenly felt sick over the amount of effort it took for her to overcome it. And then, what made it worse, was to watch her go into Old Country Buffet....to eat. As I made my way to the store, I had a memory of myself when I first started walking 10 months ago. I would pant and heave my way around the block and dread every single curb, because it was so much hard work to get up and down them. I didn�t struggle as much as this woman did, but then again I was probably at least 30-35 years younger. I could�ve easily been her down the road. Hell, I still could be if I don�t watch it. Then I recall my many trips to Old Country Buffet, always sitting at a table because I couldn�t fit into the booths anymore. And I remember the hours of gorging myself until I was literally swallowing my own puke when I left. I wonder if she ate like that too, trying to fill a void that was never meant to be filled with food. I felt so sad for this woman, who at her age of at least 60, was probably never going to have that �epiphany� moment. Maybe food was her singular pleasure in a life filled with physical pain. Perhaps she was suffering of other illnesses too. But I�m sure her weight was a major contributing factor to her condition now. How long had she been overweight? How long had she suffered? Did she, like me, promise to only eat one dessert too? The grocery store was noisy and crowded and it tore me away from my thoughts. But I still felt strange, out of place somehow. Like the way you feel after witnessing a car accident or a random act of violence. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge might�ve felt on Christmas Eve when the ghost of Christmas future visited him. I felt like I had been whisked into my future and shown what my life would�ve been like, had I continued hurting myself. It was so painful to watch, it hurt. (this is the part where I�m supposed to rejoice, give generously, and have dinner with Tiny Tim) So when I got back to the car and loaded my shopping bags into the trunk, I closed the door and just sat there in silence. I closed my eyes and said thank you to the Universe for giving me the strength to change. I felt blessed for those special people in my life who have supported me 100%, who have never made me feel anything less than beautiful....even at 375 pounds. And then I opened my eyes, looked at the front door of Old Country Buffet, and vowed to never step foot in there again. The words �All you can Eat� are no longer a part of my vocabulary. 12:55 p.m. - 9/25/01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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