madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5/2/03 I truly feel sorry for anyone directly involved in my life yesterday. My poor nutritionist probably didn�t know what to do as I sat there, bawling my eyes out about my weight. We didn�t even get a chance to talk about some positive changes I could make or anything.... I just cried & pulled myself together, then cried some more. I managed to keep it together the rest of my work day, and for most of the night, until my husband tucked me into bed. Then I turned into a shuddering mass of tears and sadness and finally fell asleep out of exhaustion. But I�m feeling a bit better today. I don�t know why I feel so overwhelmed some days. I can usually feel it coming too, the night before. Its like something just �washes� over me and everything darkens (in my mind) and I just know that I�m going to be depressed. Its not easy to describe how this feels, or to put it into words... Anyway...
(later....May 3rd...journal continues...) I�ve been engrossed in a book entitled, �100 Hikes in Northwest Oregon� which was given to me by a thoughtful reader, Kris, off my Amazon Wish List. (Thank you Kris!! Please e-mail me so I can talk to you personally!!) Its strange, because I read each hike and try to imagine myself doing it....that�s something new for me. I�ve never fantasized about spending my spare time traipsing through the woods before - you know - too much effort and all. But this book has really got me to thinking about what is now within my grasp, and what I could push myself to do in the future. My biggest problem is WHO to do it with. My hubby�s health is moderate at best, and I don�t think he�d be interested. If worse comes to worse, I can plan on doing some of the easy (in town) hikes alone. Just me and my thoughts and my blood pumping, the sunshine at my back, and the sound of the earth crunching underfoot.....can�t anything bad come from that. You know, even though its happened quite a few times now, I�ll never get used to getting gifts from my readers. I�m the kind of person that ALWAYS gives something back when she gets...its just the way I was brought up. I never come to a party empty-handed, I never show up to a potluck with something I bought from a store, I borrow 50 cents, and I pay the person back a dollar... My mother was always a generous person, and that�s the way I was raised. So this is just really strange for me. I have to just say �thank you� and hope that the gift-givers are somehow, someway, getting something back from me... Its kind of unsettling, but it also teaches me something about myself. Faith. ;) I�ve debated on this, but since honesty is my #1 policy, I�ve decided to confess. I was given a sample of Herbalife today....and I took it. I�m torn, because part of me believes in fate and that everything happens for a reason, and the other part of me feels like loser for giving in and trying these pills. I didn�t go out seeking this product, and in fact was vehemently discouraging the use of any weight loss aid for the most part. But the janitors in my building went on Herbalife about a month ago, and they�ve been pressuring me to try it. They dropped off a brochure....I WAS NOT impressed. It was completely un-informative and didn�t explain the reason behind the use of any of the herbs in the product. I disregarded it. A week later they gave me an order form, with the items that �someone like me� should order...already pre-checked. (kinda presumptuous, don�t ya think?) I tossed it out. Monday they brought me an Herbalife pill carrier, an Herbalife water bottle and matching Herbalife ball point pen! I explained that I appreciated the gifts, but I wasn�t taking anything that has Ma-Huang or ephedra in it...sorry. So what did they do? They brought me a two day sample of the ephedra-free green and beige herbal tablets. And I took them yesterday, and this morning. And I feel guilty. And the worst part of it is, that I�m completely NOT hungry at all....so I know they work. And the �other� worst part of it is, that I went online to the hospital I work for, and researched every single herb used in the product...and found nothing that was considered �unsafe�. (since there are virtually no stimulants in it except a small amount of caffeine in the herb Yerba Mate) And I�ve had no side-effects, except for feeling totally not hungry, which makes it even worse because I had secretly hoped I�d have ill-side effects which would keep me from even considering taking such a thing. So now I�m left with my own wandering thoughts. I fantasize about this pill bumping me over my plateau and bringing me effortlessly into the 250's...the 240's...the 230's... Is it fate that I�ve been struggling for 4 months with my diet, struggling with my plateau, struggling with my emotions about it all and then a pill literally drops in my lap that helps me feel full, that has no harsh side-effects and seems to be the answer to all my prayers? Its all fantasy, I know. The reality is that I�ve been against taking anything from the very beginning, and the fact that I took these samples is only a testament to my frustration with the numbers on the scale, with my stagnation. The other reality, is that Herbalife isn�t cheap and I frankly don�t have the money to buy it even if it DID work. Thirdly, Herbalife is a pyramid scheme...something I�m not wanting to support in any way. whew! There. Talked myself out of it.... almost. But you know, by taking these pills the last two days, I did notice something about myself. I eat when I�m NOT hungry. Yesterday, I had absolutely no physical hunger for lunch...even to the point of being UN-naturally NOT hungry. (If that makes sense) Yet I still got my lunch out and ate it down. In fact, I thought to myself, �Now Heather - you aren�t even remotely hungry, you shouldn�t eat now.� But I went ahead and ate it anyway. Is that the most f*cked up thing you�ve ever heard? I do it a lot...eat when I�m not hungry. Its something I�ve been discussing with my nutritionist, because I think my �signals� are screwed up. Like when I am physically hungry, I�ll sit down - eat three bites of a meal - and I�ll get my �full� signal from my brain. I hear it loud and clear. But of course, after having eat only a few bites, I�m not going to get up and leave my plate of food!? This happens ALL the time. The same goes for the �hungry� signal. Last Saturday, I promised I�d wait as long as it took for me to be physically hungry before I ate...and it was like 5pm before I even started getting hungry. This was after I did a 4 mile walk in the morning too!? I bet all these years of using food as a comfort tool, I�ve screwed up my natural hunger and full signals. I wonder if I�ll ever get them back? Who knows. I guess I�ll chalk it up under the stretch marks, hair loss, and excess skin....just another one of my body�s casualties from being fat all these years. 2:10 p.m. - 5/2/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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